If Gwyneth Paltrow'slatest Instagram post tells us anything, it's that a) you won't ever receive a boring Christmas gift from her (no socks in sight; far too pedestrian), and b) you don't want to open her gifts around your family.
The Goop founder took to Instagram last night for a video on 'brushing up on holiday etiquette', in case we'd 'forgotten after taking the holidays off last year' (unlikely, but thanks, Gwynnie). Naturally, an Englishman narrates the video, because this video is very sophisticated and very serious.
Before the guests arrive, we're told to 'set the vibe with some mood lighting.' Gwyneth lights her candle - you know, the one that smells like her vagina, and exploded on a man who subsequently filed a lawsuit, and tells us 'ah, that's the scent.' Is it, though?
The highlight of the video, though, comes as Gwyneth packs gift bags for her celebrity friends. There's a bag for Adele, Stephen Colbert, Taylor Swift, as well as a joint bag for Kim K and Pete Davidson. Each product is picked straight from Goop's website, and some of the contents are more personal than the others...
First slipped into Adele's bag was the DTF Supplement (if you're not clued up on the acronym, take a look at Urban Dictionary). It's designed to support 'women's sexual desire, mood and arousal' (a not-so subtle nod to her divorce, perhaps). An increased libido could be yours, too, for $55!
Next up - in Adele's or Stephen Colbert's bag, we're unsure - is the famed candle that smells like Gwyneth's orgasm. The candle, which is actually called 'This Candle Smells Like My Orgasm', is scented with grapefruit and rose, balanced with neroli and tea. It's actually one that is inviting and moreish; one that Adele or Colbert might actually want to burn (if they turn the jar around).
Taylor Swift was a lucky recipient of the Ultra-Plush Self-Heating G-Spot Vibrator. Whilst Paltrow says it can give you a 'really G time' (and it should do for $89), Gwyneth can be seen weighing up whether to put in a red scarf or the vibrator. It's fair to say Taylor would probably be more appreciative of the scarf (especially if it's the lost one from All Too Well). It's the thought that counts, right?
Gwyneth didn't let us see what she had in store for Kim and Pete. Perhaps, for the new couple, the Lover's Kit (featuring two intimate massage oils) would be a safe bet. A way to break the ice, right?
Thanks for the gifting inspo, Gwyneth.
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