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Made In Chelsea 15.11: Biscuits Is On Sporty Form, Liv Is Folorn And Sophie Gets The Horn

Sometimes an episode of Made In Chelsea comes with more questions than answers, and as a long suffering fan, you’re perpetually wondering whether you’re supposed to be solving a riddle, or whether the part of a particular scene that would have made everything make sense simply didn’t survive the edit.

And so it is during this final episode of the series, which starts with Sam lying back looking satisfied, before joining Habbs for a sexy shower. . Are they in a hotel, or has Habbs got a deal with that paid for an incredibly swanky en suite? How come we have such a candid view of the couple, but the camera lens isn’t covered in tepid water and bright green Original Source Tea Tree And Mint? Why can we only see their shoulders? Are Habbs and Sam Never-Nudes, showering in cut off jorts like Tobias Bluth? Not one of these queries will be resolved for me over the next hour. I feel as frustrated as Mark Francis if he were stranded at Cobham Services at 4AM with nothing open apart from Greggs.

Because this episode is less logical than Gwyneth Paltrow’s steaming regime, we now jump to Biscuits, who is forcing Boulle and Alik to run around an athletics track while wheezing and recounting his past rugby victories. Biscuits complains of feeling ‘self conscious’ in his new relationship with Ell, before doing a bellowing impression of Alik that’s entirely lacking in self awareness. It’s so good that Alik storms off in a huff, leaving Biscuits unsupervised as he plots his trajectory to Ell’s heart. Yup, more sports. Biscuits truly believes the best way to show Ell how he feels about her is to gather his sweatiest friends, put some shorts on and show he can conquer all men in feats of strength.

Ollie is the opposite of Biscuits in this respect. While Biscuits always looks as though he would ride a bull through a hedge for a dare, if he hasn’t just done so, Ollie always gives the impression that he stepped out of the shower about four minutes ago, and that he would have cleaned himself extremely thoroughly even if he had to fight Habbs and Sam for the loofah. I would buy fabric conditioner if the bottle promised me that it would make my clothes smell fresh and Locke-like. Ollie is helping Toff plan a twisted tea party. He’s planning to reimagine A Midsummer Night’s Dream in glitter. Sophie has offered to make some buns. I have a spooky feeling that she will have lost interest in the catering on the day of the party.

However, she still has Miles helping her, even though there is no mention of her mysterious leg injury and she seems completely healed. Sophie has summoned Miles and Ell, as the token cast Europeans, believing their baking ability will be superior to the efforts of the rest of the cast. I’d like to think that this is a last minute attempt to stir up some positive feeling about the EU. When we go, there will be no more tarte tatin or sachertorte. However, I’m a bit troubled by the way that Sophie is so keen to embrace national stereotypes, no matter how delicious they might be, and I suspect that most of us only really feel properly patriotic when we’re watching The Great British Bake Off – and we feel that jam and custard are as much a part of our national identity as apologising to shop mannequins. Sophie’s plan goes awry when Miles gets super flirty with Ell, showing her how to crack an egg in her hand with a flick of the thumb. Oh, my. Also, when Ell and Miles start speaking actual French to each other, it soon becomes apparent that Sophie isn’t quite the polyglot she believes herself to be, and seems to be muttering ‘Croissant’, ‘bonjour’ and ‘Renault Clio’ just to fit in.

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While Ollie attempts to rent a unicorn, Sam and Harry have summoned Liv for a Digby themed Council Of War. A Council of No More. Liv is at the ‘radical hair cut’ stage of break up doom, and she’s thinking of going pink. This is the sort of life advice that you can only learn by getting it wrong – never get a haircut when you’re feeling racked with sorrow. Don’t drink when you’re sad, don’t shop when you’re sad, don’t get a tattoo when you’re sad and don’t agree to live on an ashram for 18 months with someone called Spyder when you’re sad. Hair grows, I suppose. Someone called Tabitha turns up. Apparently she’s an old school friend of Liv’s and seems so made for MIC that I’m not entirely sure she’s real. Haven’t I seen her in the window of Peter Jones at Christmas, wearing ice skates and balancing on one leg? Sam tries to make Liv delete Digby’s number, and she weeps volubly. Do not let her enter the hair salon!

Mytton sees Digby and tries to make him believe that he and Liv are better apart. It’s like watching a scientist try and fail to have a televised debate with a Bigfoot truther. Biscuits organises his sports day, shouting and sweating while Ell looks bored, looks at her phone and looks into Miles’ beautiful face. As Boulle says ‘the way to a woman’s heart is not to organise a sports day, she’s just left school, she’s probably had enough of sports days for a few years.’ There’s a tea party summit in which Sophie announces she’s outsourcing some custard, then, during a sulk after Ollie and Toff go off to try some different cakes, finds herself left alone with Ollie’s ringing phone, and cancels his unicorn. This is the most wicked thing that anyone has done in the whole seven year run of the programme. Sam has dyed his hair quite a dramatic pink – a shade that can only be called ‘School Disco Punk’ out of solidarity with Liv. However, not only has Liv gone for a much more subtle shade, she’s having a sneaky lunch with Digby! She’s witnessed by Tabitha, who must be taking a break from pointing at a big marrow on page seven of the brochure from the Chelsea Flower Show.

It’s time for Toff’s twisted tea party! Liv is looking desperately forlorn, but it’s hard to feel as sorry for her as we ought to, because she’s come as an Ann Summers peacock. You just can’t inspire pathos when you’ve got a load of feathers stuck to your bum. Sam has a go at her for consorting with Digby, and Digby turns up, which leads Sam to turn all Love Island and shout at Digby about how he should feel ‘mugged off’. I’m with Sam, on account of his poor hair.

Biscuits finally realises that the best way to show someone you love them is to tell them. You don’t need to have a sports day. Ell says the sanest thing that anyone has ever said on Made In Chelsea, ever. ‘I might seem pretty chilled, but I just want to let you be you.’ English isn’t even her first language, but she expresses herself better than almost anyone else on the programme.

In a move that Elton John would balk at, Sophie comes dressed as a unicorn, having cancelled the one Ollie organises. Ollie is extraordinarily gracious about it, when I would like to yell at Sophie until I was a little ho(a)rse. (Sorry.) But the money shot, the preposterous and spectacular image that the whole of this series has been built around is seeing Liv’s sad, brave, lip quivering expression clashing violently with her red feathered sex horns. That’s more rare and precious than a fleet of pink haired unicorns turning up and telling everyone that it’s so good to get out of London.

Hero of the week

It’s got to be Sam, for being such a good, kind, ride or dye friend, Ollie, for being a creative visionary and for not braining Sophie with a cake stand, and Liv (or whoever put her in that costume) for giving me the laugh of a lifetime. Also, a special mention for Ell, who speaks so much sense.

Villain of the week

It’s got to be Sophie, who redefined ‘selfish narcissist’ with her unicorn cancelling costume. It’s tantamount to standing up during the ‘objections’ bit of the wedding and yelling ‘I do!’ or organising your own singing birthday telegram in the middle of a christening. Booooo

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