I Filtered My Bumble Dating Profile By Star Sign And This Is What Happened

The news broke early this morning and left the online dating community shook: you can now filter by star sign on Bumble. Cue sheer panic for Scorpios and Geminis, absolute elation for everyone else who can now filter them out of their life. No, but seriously, this has taken the dating world by storm, with many jumping to filter for particular signs that should – if you believe in horoscopes – be a great potential match. At least, that’s what I did, and boy was it a journey.

How do you filter by star sign on Bumble?

The feature is an advanced setting. That doesn’t mean you have to pay, but it does mean it’s one of your two filters on the app, so if you’re already filtering for non-smokers or serious relationships only, you’ll have to sacrifice something. This is where your commitment to astrology is really tested. What do you care about more? The fact they’re liberal leaning or that they’re known to carry a grudge (@Libra’s)?

Luckily for me, I haven’t used any of my filters yet, because apparently, I’m just letting any old Tom, Dick and Harry appear on my feed. Immediately, I go to filter by Aries, Leo, Sagittarius and Libra- because Google tells me they’re my best match (which I'm already questioning, since all of their weaknesses are my biggest pet hates). Before you can filter, you have to declare your own star sign, so you’re basically agreeing to mutually assured destruction.

As an Aquarius – humanitarian and independent while also aloof and uncompromising, apparently (honestly, not apparently, this describes me to a T) - I’m well matched to people who are idealistic, cheerful, passionate and gracious. I’m already excited by this potential. Then again, these signs also encompass people that are indecisive, impatient, self-centered and promise more than they can deliver. Cool, I guess I’ll just be an unpaid therapist for the rest of my life then. Nonetheless, in the name of love, I soldier on.

What happened next destroyed my faith in love and astrology. My first potential mate is ‘karaoke king’ Matt*, an Aries. Theatre is his life, as is Nutella, and he’s a professional spider killer. He’s 6ft, supposedly, and looks like the little brother of an upper-class family that got sent to boarding school because he’s so annoying.

Then comes Jamie*, a Libra. I’m taller than him, but he doesn’t mind, he ‘can handle it’. Don’t worry about threatening his masculinity with your extra two inches, ladies, he’s clearly got all his baggage handled. Srid is looking for someone to travel with, party with and do absolutely nothing with. One thing is clear, I want absolutely nothing to do with him.

Sam*, another Libra, is next. An account executive, he’s ‘just looking for someone who can appreciate a good burger’. The cool girl monologue from Gone Girl runs through my head immediately. He might be the most aesthetically pleasing of all the men I’ve seen so far, but he’s on the opposite side of the political spectrum to me and I’m honestly relieved: this feels like a legitimate deal-breaker to me.

I scroll through a ton of Aries and Libra’s before finally getting to a Sagittarius, which I think tells you a lot about the male talent on Bumble. I’m hit with a mass of potential, he’s actually really fit. But then, I scroll, and that’s all he is. Nothing in his bio except ‘all roads lead to Cheltenham’. His Spotify playlist suggest to me he also does Ket every weekend and wears sunglasses at raves. I find the final straw in the political leanings tab, when I again see he’s not my cup of tea.

One swift swipe and I realise it’s now. Bartholomew* ‘lives in south ken’, he’s from Hampshire, but has ‘Grenada flag emoji heart emoji peace sign emoji <-- if you know you know’ in his bio. I know, Max, I know it’s a left swipe for you my friend.

My final swipe before giving up completely and getting on with actual life, there’s a glimmer of hope. Bill is 6ft1, he’s active and is Irish, an accent I think we can all get on board with. But then his profile looks like it was made by googling online dating for dummies, he makes the same joke about Brexit I’ve seen a gazillion times on various profiles, his first picture he’s holding a puppy and his bio includes his Instagram handles.

Click through for the best Bumble opening lines...

Despite having swiped right for this type of guy a million times and instantly regretting it when they open with a peach emoji, I do it anyway, narcissistically, hesitating as I expect an instant match. My faith in love crashes back down to earth when it doesn’t happen. Wow, Bill, even after I was willing to let go of the shit EU banter.

Alas, my first foray into star sign dating was not as revolutionary as I expected. What I am grateful for though, is the ability to filter out any dodgy signs that don’t align with mine. A someone who previously dated a Gemini for three years before realising we were the least compatible couple of all time, this is music to my ears. Plus, I’m still listening to the Cheltenham Tory’s Ket playlist and actually loving it. So maybe there is something in this star sign filter after all