‘Why don’t you write letters to one another?’ laments my dad whenever talking about the dating landscape for his 20- and 30-something children. ‘We always wrote letters to one another, much more romantic.’
Perhaps, but it’s 2019, Pops, not 1919, so we have to make do with dating apps, aubergine emojis and wondering how many kisses to put at the end of a message. Is one small kiss too curt? If you put three big kisses does that imply you want to marry them? It’s a confusing jungle out there these days, so here are a few rules to help along the way..
1. Stop Ghosting People
Either text someone back or stop engaging. Our phones are never more than three feet away from us, whether awake, asleep or on the loo. (Come on, we all do it.) It’s bad manners to ignore someone’s message for long stretches of time when you’ve almost certainly seen it. ‘Maybe he had an accident last night? Maybe he got hit by a train or fell into the river?’ moaned my friend Emily, after she was stood up recently by a man called David who’d been messaging constantly until the day of their first date, when he suddenly ghosted her. I wished he had fallen into the river, but I suspect he was just a dick. Reply or let them down gently. And avoid rugby players from South London called David.
2. Stalk With Caution
Don’t give away that you’ve googled them. is may seem obvious, but I once went on a date where, every time I started telling a story, my date – let’s call him Tim – would interrupt with, ‘Oh yes, I know about that because you’ve written about it before, haven’t you?’ there’s a line between interested and creepy. Tim overstepped it.
3. ...Especially On Social Media
Likewise, be careful about social media stalking. Don’t accidentally let slip something in conversation that you learned from looking at their Instagram photos of a Greek holiday three summers ago. It’s also worth making sure that certain members of your family understand it’s easy to get caught out online. ‘Who’s Carol Watkins?’ a friend’s date recently asked her, after they’d been out a few times. ‘My mum. How come?’ she replied. ‘Because she’s looked at my LinkedIn profile 21 times in the past week,’ he said. So best check your parents’ LinkedIn settings, too.
4. Stop Worrying About Seeming Too Keen. You're Not.
If someone asks you out that day and you’re free, why not go? Forget that ancient ‘don’t say yes to a Saturday night date after Wednesday’ rule. Don’t worry about seeming too keen or too available. Dating apps have accelerated the process. Go out, see if you have a nice time, and if you don’t, well, there’ll be someone else online you can divert yourself with.
5. Don't Bang On About Brexit
6. It's Backwards To Expect A Man To Pay For Everything
Money. I’m talking about heterosexual couples here, because certain girlfriends of mine have curiously old-fashioned ideas about this. Yes, it’s kind if he insists on paying for the first date, or the first couple of rounds. But after that you’ve got to step up and offer, and not just slowly reach for your purse in that lame, fake way when the bill comes. We can’t scream about the pay gap if we’re expecting them to pick up the tab every time.
7. Always Clear Your Search History
Think about your phone’s search history. Here’s a cautionary tale: on my first date with a former boyfriend, we were discussing cars because I sometimes write about them. He wanted to show me the model of a particular Porsche, so I picked up my phone and started tapping in ‘Po...’ only for Pornhub to pop up as the first suggestion. (In my defence, I was reading Emily Witt’s Future Sex at the time.) It was an ice-breaker and became one of those coupley stories we o en laughed about, but at the time I wanted to run from the bar and fling myself under a bus. Should you have anything embarrassing on your phone – searches for weird medical conditions, searches for his ex-girlfriend, Pornhub links – clear it.
8. Don't Be Afraid To Ask If You're Exclusive
Don’t presume it’s exclusive. We date like Americans now. People may have serial dates lined up, and it often feels more like a job interview than anything more romantic – ‘Fancy a coffee on Sunday afternoon?’ But if you’re really into someone, brave the conversation before assuming it’s just the two of you.
9. Be Mindful With Your Nudes
Unless you really, really trust someone, keep distinguishing features – eg, your face – out of naked selfies.
10. Remember That We Live In The Age Of The Screenshot
Bear in mind that anything you send someone – a message, a screenshot, a picture – can be shared. Who else heard the recent, infamous voice-note of the posh woman berating a man for not texting her after a one-night stand? ‘What would your mother think? It’s disgusting behaviour!’ scolded the posh woman in a furious voice-note that rambled on for well over a minute and went viral. Poor thing.
11. Stop Worrying About Having Sex On The First Date
The old sex-on-the-first-date-chestnut. Don’t tie yourself in knots over this. If you’re getting on with someone, if you’re having a lovely time on a first date and think that maybe you would like to go home with them, then why not? Safety rules apply if it’s someone you’ve met via an app, but I see little point in coming over all demure if you really like them. Don’t overthink this one.
12. It's Not A Numbers Game
If you’re feeling despondent about dating, don’t listen to those who tell you ‘it’s a numbers game’. We all know someone who found their great love via Bumble after 562 previous dates, but this doesn’t have to be you. Don’t endure dozens of tedious dates in dingy bars that leave you depressed. If you feel like a break from dating, do it. Dating isn’t like council tax, it’s not compulsory.