How does a millennial say ‘I love you’? In our culture, there is a cheap, effective and nourishing way to demonstrate your devotion – you just have to produce an avocado. Made In Chelsea's Digby knows that he’s got to pull something big out of the bag in order to make it work with Liv, so he begins the episode by surprising her in bed and bringing her a breakfast of heart healthy monosaturated fat.
Liv appreciates the gesture but adds ‘I’m probably not going to eat it, pointing out that Digby has forgotten to bring up any mayonnaise. Is she being an ungrateful cow, or simply punching a hole in the fourth wall? Would Neighbours be a better programme if everyone said ‘Oh, I don’t want this, there’s no ketchup,’ before abandoning their plates of untouched food and dashing out of Harold’s Café to go and talk to Susan because they’re worried that Karl is going to try and form another pop group? Liv’s eyelashes also demand that we suspend our disbelief, unless she glued them on in her sleep. Anyone who has ever had eyelash extensions knows that you spend a hundred and fifty quid to wake up and discover that each eyelash has come to resemble a tiny Marx brother in the night.
Biscuits’ brand new Gallic girlfriend Ell, who was last seen well over a month ago, pops up to meet Boulle. ‘What first attracted me to you?’ says Biscuits, who doesn’t seem to be able to speak French but can speak English as a foreign language. Creepily, Boulle suggests that it is because Ell is still just about a teenager and Biscuits is pushing 30. Urghhhhh. But then, Ell apparently likes Biscuits because he dresses like Justin Bieber. The fact that some people are old enough to date but young enough to see that as an advantage makes me feel positively decrepit. Still, Biscuits is pretty sad and insecure about playing Tithonus to Ell’s Aurora, so Boulle offers him a go on some royal jelly. Which is no way to talk about Prince Philip.
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Sophie has broken out and demanded a separate storyline, having her leg strapped up because a champagne cork caught her on the Achilles tendon. This sounds, at best, implausible – this particular posh injury is on brand, but it seems to defy all the laws of physics. We can imagine Sophie, in a bedsit in Teddington, thinking ‘What will get me more screen time? Maybe I’ll tell them that a gang of lobsters cornered me and took my phone! No, this could lead to the arrest of some innocent lobsters.’ Mark Francis and Victoria come to see her. They do not bring a single grape. Can you think of any scenario in which you’d be poorly, and pleased to see that pair? Unless you have an extremely rare disease that can be cured by a sub par impression of Oscar Wilde, a bout of bed bound MRSA would be slightly more welcome than a visit from Chelsea’s very own Joan of Snark. Even though Sophie was felled by champagne, Mark has no qualms with ringing for more. ‘Pass me that atrocious looking bell,’ he sneers. It is a very normal looking bell.
Just as desperate and slightly less dignified is James Taylor, who has decided that he can get a storyline about being incredibly rude to Habbs about her nascent romance with Sam. He forces her to admit that their first erotic encounter hasn’t been earth shattering, but wise Habbs points out that it was after a big night, and ‘you always have to have sober sex’. ‘I don’t think it will last,’ says James, even though no-one asked him, and no-one cares. I would rather be trapped in an Uber with no air conditioning, driving from Crystal Palace to Wembley, listening to Nick Ferrari on LBC taking phone calls from the nation’s most enthusiastic racists than hear James Taylor’s opinion on literally anything, least of all what he thinks about Habbs’ sex life.
Not content with simply being irritating, James Taylor finds Sam and tells him that Habbs said he was bad in bed. Now he has ruined two people’s evenings! Well done, James Taylor! Give that chap a spin off series! Sadly, I will not be watching because I’ve got to catch up on old Ceefax pages I videoed from 1993.
Liv goes out boozing with Mytton and gets so drunk that she can’t stop using the strange, eighties expression ‘in the sack’. Digby forms a troubling alliance with Ryan, who tells him ‘Liv needs to stop saying things like “I miss my old friends”’. Ryan might have got Louise to renounce everything she loves and knows for protein powder, but I don’t think this will work with Liv, who won’t even eat an avocado unless it’s got bacon on it. Liv believes that all of her romantic issues could be solved if Mytton was somehow melded with Digby, which is no weirder than Biscuits’ plan to resolve all of his relationship anxiety by immersing himself in a cloud of Boulle’s bees. Sam overhears Biscuits trying to arrange a hair transplant, but he’s more preoccupied with how to hang onto Habbs. ‘Having sex with a girl for the first time is like being in the cockpit of a plane when it’s crashing,’ says Biscuits, and a nation of women do a simultaneous, terrified pelvic floor clench.
Sophie has persuaded Miles to wheel her around, and Miles agrees, convinced this is the beginning of a five year plan that ends with Sophie agreeing to some pity sex. Habbs has just learned why Sam hasn’t spoken to her for days, and rings James Taylor to shout at him. ‘I seriously couldn’t care less,’ huffs James Taylor, which is an odd thing to say when he clearly does care, having taken the time and trouble to spend several days on a sustained campaign of meddling. Happily, this very irritating problem resolves itself because Habbs realises how much she likes Sam, and they have a lovely snog. In your face, James Taylor! In other love news, Harry asks Melissa to move in with him, and Sophie appears to have taken to her ‘little brother’ Miles in a faintly pervy way. And Ell loves Biscuits just as he is, which is adorable but annoying for him because he has just spent several thousand pounds on hair plugs.
Liv rushes to the country to see her parents and have a big cry. Digby turns up and Mummy Bentley calls him ‘Diggers’, the sort of nickname that can only be borne of panic, when you have to evacuate your own sitting room because your daughter needs to dump her boyfriend in peace. ‘I’ve been a true gentleman’ huffs Digby, when a gentleman would never turn up at someone’s house without phoning ahead. ‘You need to figure out what you want,’ he repeats, when Liv is telling him very, very clearly that she wants to break up with him. Finally, he gets the message, although I have a horrible feeling that what happens next week is going to render all of this hard work completely pointless…
Hero of the week
It has to be Habbs for doing what no-one on MIC ever does, even when it has been proved as the only way of keeping a relationship going. She rose above the rumour spreading and told Sam how she felt! Biscuits is highly commended for bravery, and going into the pit of bees.
Villain of the week
Obviously it’s James Bloody Taylor, although his sad, bad work makes me miss Spencer Matthews! Once our villains were truly Machiavellian, now they’re just a bit crap.
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Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked
Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.
Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.
She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.
Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.
Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.
Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.
His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.
Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.
Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.
Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.
After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!
When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.
These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.
Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.
Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.
Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.
Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.
Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.
After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!
Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.
Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.
Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.
As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.
Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.
They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.
Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.
Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.
He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.
They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.
She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.
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