If a woman were ever to make a proclamation about dating that guarantees them an outraged reaction online, the following quote from influencer Sofia Franklyn: ‘I’ve asked the last three guys I’ve dated for their bank account information on the first date', embodying the thoughts of multiple women who won't date across the salary divide.
Making the admission on her podcast, Sofia With An F, 31-year-old Franklyn all but broke the internet. ‘I only want to date a wealthy guy who has money,’ she explained. ‘I have a job, I’m very successful, so I think I have every right to be like, “Are we on the same level, or am I wasting my time?”’
Her admission was echoed in a recent episode of Married At First Sight UK, when 36-year-old Porscha Pernnelle expressed concern that the man she was about to meet at the altar might not match her salary expectations. ‘Can you imagine if he’s broke?’ she said to her bridesmaid before the ceremony. ‘I’ll be really upset, especially if he’s got no ambitions to get richer.’
The salary divide has been subject of viral debate ever since; some commentators applauding the women for being upfront about their financial dealbreakers, others lambasting them for caring so much about something as ‘superficial’ as salary. Unsurprisingly, misogyny has seeped in: Franklyn was dubbed a ‘gold digger’ on Fox News – although Franklyn specified her concern was that a potential partner matched her own level of wealth.
Of course, money – or the lack thereof – impacts many aspect of our lives. ‘I wouldn’t date someone who earns less than me because I’ve worked hard to enjoy my life. I don’t want to have to pay for everything just so we can travel together or eat in nice places,’ says Charlotte*, 37, from Bristol.
For Abigail*, 32, from Manchester, it’s about having similar values around money. ‘It’s about finding someone who works as hard as me and values financial security in the way I do. I have certain goals for my life that require a decent salary to achieve.’
But is it really fair to be so dogmatic about the state of someone’s finances when we are all struggling through a cost of living crisis? ‘It’s not necessarily about earning a lot,’ says Jessica*, 39, from London, who also says she wouldn’t date across the salary divide. ‘It’s about being in the same bracket, so you’re not confronted with situations where one of you has drastically bigger budget, if you’re buying a house together, getting married or sharing the financial burden of a child.’
There is perhaps some benefit to being upfront about money from the outset. According to research by Starling Bank, financial secrecy is a growing problem in long-term relationships. A third of engaged couples don’t know if their partner has any debt, while 14% of those in a committed relationship don’t know what their partner earns. The result, according to the research, is a rise in ‘financial infidelity’, where couples keep money secrets from each other, often with negative consequences.
So, is being blunt about your financial expectations from the off a better way to date? Demanding they whip out their banking app on a first date might be a bit extreme, but making money a totally taboo topic isn’t wise either. Let’s ditch the ‘gold digger’ label and get comfortable with having honest conversations about money with a partner before it’s too late.