I’m Nikita, but I had to leave the process after E4 said I breached their code of conduct, after an argument at the first dinner party.
OK, so I’m not defending my actions. I know I’m a bit of a Marmite character, not everyone’s going to like me, and that’s OK. I’m loud, forward and direct, and I can lose my temper. But people saw me a bit of a villain - because shows like that need the good guys, and the bad guys. During the filming process, which happened months ago, I didn't think I would be portrayed in that light. (But in fairness to Channel 4, their aftercare has been incredible. I’ve been called up every day by the welfare team as the show’s been on air, and the psychiatric tests - to make sure you can handle the aftermath of being on the show - were stringent.)
A lot of people might think me - and the other women on the show - were just in it for the fame, but that isn’t the truth. To be on Married At First Sight, you have to want to get married. All my life, I’ve wanted to tie the knot. With one of my boyfriends, he probably thought I was nuts with the amount I used to mention it - like where we were going to have our stag and hen do, where we were going to get married, the dress I was going to wear; I had it all planned out. I was absolutely heartbroken after we split. So, when I was asked on Instagram if I wanted to audition for the UK version of MAFS, I thought: yes! This is it! I can get married!
I’m sad it didn’t work out on the show, but it hasn’t put me off the idea of marriage completely. I now just realise I don’t have to be in such a rush. The truth was, me and Ant were just very different people. Our honeymoon looked like the honeymoon from hell. It might have made good TV - but what viewers didn’t see is, that, for most of that holiday, we got along. It was the dream! We were staying in a hotel which cost literally thousands a night - we were staying in different rooms, but we met in the morning, and then we’d just sunbathe all day, and eat amazing food at the resort’s many different restaurants in the evening.
But of course, everyone only saw the huge argument that we had, which was prompted by Ant getting agitated about me asking him if he thought I was attractive. (As I said on the show, this is just a part of my personality: like it, or leave it.) When I was annoyed, I threw a paper coffee cup at him - which Ant later laughed off, he was totally fine. We sat and joked about it the next day.
But I was then accused of being violent. I’m not defending my actions, but domestic violence is a big deal, and I don’t think it’s something you can compare to throwing a paper cup. I’ve been through it, so I know: I was in an abusive relationship. For the first two years, it was perfect - then, after a close family member died, and we moved house, it became hell on earth. We used to argue a lot, but then towards the end of the relationship he became abusive and aggressive.
I lost all my confidence towards the end of that relationship, I’d be so low I wouldn’t even bother to get changed or wash. Afterwards, I pretty much moved in with my friend [Geordie Shore's] Bethan Kershaw, who had also just been through a break up. Going through that together made things much easier, I know it sounds silly - but we used to listen to motivational podcasts, listen to audio books, and meditate. Having her support is genuinely the only reason my confidence started to build back up again.
What has also upset me, after appearing on the show, is the trolling my family has had to endure as well. People have been calling my dad - the loveliest man ever - horrific names, and told him he’s dragged me up. And trolls have even said that my grandma would be turning in her grave watching me on MAFS. Yes, MAFS might be an entertaining reality show, which at times might seem far-fetched, but people need to remember that we’re all human, with feelings and families.