Anyone for tennis? This week Melissa, Miles, Habbs and Harry are pushing the hyper whiteness of Made In Chelsea to its logical extreme by knocking a few balls out on the lawn. Habbs and Melissa score a comfortable victory (I too have faith that one day, SW19 will have its own Habbs Hill) and Miles chooses to congratulate them by pointing out the shortness of their skirts, bringing everything back down to the level of a Carry On film – Carry On With Your Obnoxious Sexist Bellendry. The conversation turns to the Liv and Digby drama. Will she dump him, or will she manage to sustain the misery of the situation until the series finale? Liv and Digby’s relationship has definitely entered the ‘quiz show’ phase, where everyone watching knows the right answer, and is screaming it at the screen while Liv looks puzzled and says ‘Um, was it King George VI in 1938?’ She is not picking up Digby’s pained voicemails. Dude, learn the rules! It’s only OK to leave voicemails when your relationship is going very well, or if the person you’re trying to contact is your own child. Send a Whatsapp voicenote like a normal person!
Did you know Louise is writing a book! She’s writing a book! She’s made Sam a cup of tea – ‘I know you don’t normally drink tea…but I’m meeting the publishers!’ I do hope the book is filled with similarly exciting sentences that don’t really fit together! Sam is so distracted that he wouldn’t notice if Louise’s book was being made into a movie, with the role of Ryan being played by Chuck Norris. He’s hung up on Habbs! He wants to ask her on a date! You can tell he really, really likes her because he’s shifting his weight from one foot to the other and his eyes are darting all over the place. He’s either crazy in love, or he hasn’t been to the loo since he got through passport control.
Louise’s meeting with the publishers is painful. They want her to do a speech, and she would clearly rather eat a breakfast made from Big Macs and Baileys that have been smooshed together in a blender. ‘You can explain a bit about the book and say thank you to all of the people who have supported you and worked on it,’ explains one of the publishers. Ah, so this is what it’s all about. It does seem slightly unfair to force a panic attack on poor Louise just to make her say ‘and I couldn’t have done it without Jane Q. Editor!’ Louise is so flustered that at one point she asks whether Sam could do it.
Toff’s romance with James Taylor has been stymied by his oyster allergy. Somewhere out there is a woman who has a fetish based around seafood and anaphylactic shocks, but Toff is not that woman. She’s not wildly enthusiastic about James, but quite excited about having picked out a name for her future dog, Lord Barkingtons. ‘He’s got such a great lineage that he can only be addressed by his full name and title.’ Ollie is into it. ‘Lord Barkingtons is the best name I’ve ever heard in my life!’ And so say all of us.
Liv pops over to Digby’s, for a pre break up chat. We know it’s serious because she doesn’t stop outside to Instagram his blossom, she goes straight in. Digby is furious about the picture of Liv in the pool with Miles, embracing. Was she topless? No, Liv was in a long sleeved polo neck and Victorian ruff out of respect for your suffocating toxic masculine insecurity, you tool! ‘What crap have people been putting in your head?’ he whines. ‘I believe we have a way better relationship than anyone. We can make it work…it’s all down to you.’ I am waving so many red flags that I got distracted for a second and accidentally started celebrating Chinese New Year. This is gaslighting. This is abuse. This is a man trying to manipulate his girlfriend by telling her that she doesn’t know her own mind, and she is responsible for his feelings. Fuck that shit, and fuck you Digby. After this, I never want to see you on my screen ever again, and I long to see this addressed properly. This is not a healthy relationship. If Alex Mytton and Harry Baron can identify it, you know it’s seriously wrong.
Sam has scored a date with Habbs! He’s taking her bowling, and telling her that for him, the Sri Lanka holiday was ‘filled with butterflies’. You know a man is smitten when he’s borrowing chat up lines from Mariah Carey. Toff turns up with James Taylor, who is not in the mood for a cosy foursome. ‘I’d rather keep you here at the bar, so we’ll stay here and drink and have fun.’ Happily Toff is having none of it. ‘I might just go over and have a little chat,’ she says, skipping off while she pays for a drink. Follow your heart, and if your heart wants to be on someone else’s date because it looks more fun than your own, it’s time to get back on Tinder.
Harry tries to talk to Digby about Liv, and gets nothing for his trouble. ‘You’ve put those thoughts in her head. I know that me and Liv are fucking great together,’ snarls Digby, just as many cult leaders before him have said ‘Don’t listen to your pals, who keep going on about this “outside world”! I know what’s best for you! You’ll be happiest in the basement!’ Desperate Louise is auditioning Boulle to do her speech. I suppose the Hamlet soliloquy really is the best way to promote a wellness book. A kilo of kale a day will stop you from shuffling off this mortal coil for a bit – and if you’ll permit me to switch up my plays, it will certainly make your bowel movements ‘full of sound and fury, signifying nothing’.
Digby has a run in with Miles, and ends up bellowing ‘I was in here getting some fruit for the morning, and you come in here telling me how to run my relationship!’ Then a romantic restaurant reconciliation is ruined by Mytton’s voice note, saying ‘I hope you’ve done what you need to do.’ See, Digby? Voice notes! People listen to those! ‘I’m willing to give this relationship a go because I know we have something special,’ whines Digby. Willing to give this a go? How about I love you and you are amazing and I promise to stop driving you away by being a controlling monster?
It’s time for Louise’s launch! Ollie is trying to support her by referring to her speech as ‘a conversation…with the room.’ James Taylor tries one last time with Toff, but makes several mistakes, bringing over a glass of something that looks as though it was scooped from the top of a pond, and wearing a polo neck that might have been picked from a catalogue called ‘leisurewear for the permanently itchy’. Digby is still up to his nonsense, telling Liv that they’re having problems ‘because of all the negative stuff you’ve been saying, you need to talk to your friends and tell them to drop it.’ Obediently, Liv attempts a PR exercise in damage limitation. ‘I don’t think she’s being honest with herself,’ says Harry, sadly. Even if Digby was being lovely to Liv, I’d still want her to dump him for wearing a cardigan that looks like a sofa throw.
Louise makes a speech! Hooray! Well bloody done! Louise’s Mum finds Habbs and tells him that when he goes in the sun, he gets red blotches everywhere! This does not put Habbs off, and they have a smooch! Yay! It’s a good time to be a Thompson!
Hero of the week
It’s got to be Louise. We could hear the break in her voice, and she still faced her fears. Public speaking is truly terrifying, but when one woman does it, they build a space for all of the other scared women to speak up and be loud. I hope she’s extremely proud.
Villain of the week
Down with Digby and his manipulative, weaselly, whiny, ways. I hope he leaves his favourite jumper in an Uber, and goes to some distant lost property office in Zone 9 and pays a £30 release fee only to discover that the next passenger was sick on it. I hope he stubs his toe, stumbles in pain and then stubs a toe on the other foot. I hope that the next person to come to his flat says ‘what’s that weird smell?’ and he fills it with horrible Glade plug ins and lives in a state of stinky paranoia until the lease is up.
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