At least once a series, something happens in Made In Chelsea that leaves me with no choice but to part-quote F Scott Fitzgerald’s almost certainly apocryphal conversation with Ernest Hemingway. ‘The rich are different from you and me.’ Their biology is different from ours. Louise announces Sam is about to be an uncle – because she’s getting a dog! ‘I was literally like my dreams are coming true,’ mumbles a disappointed Sam. Dude, be real with us. Your dreams involve Las Vegas, and Biscuits scooping up your winnings and giving them to a man he meets in a car park while a girl in a bikini comes out of a big cake. You just want to go on that creepy uncle.org website and buy a load of noisy toys with unsuitably small parts. Ahem.
We’re played the most heinous version of Last Christmas ever heard by human ears, and I include the one I sang to the man in Charcoal Grill at 1AM last Friday in the hope that I might get fifty pee off my cheesy garlic bread. (I failed.) Still, the scene is set for a series of romantic disappointments. Miles and James Taylor, carrying their Christmas tree as though it’s the Third Stooge, are so excited to catch sight of new girl Eliza that they nearly drop their senses of entitlement. Miles asks if she’s single and then lists every beverage in the world, in case she would care to drink any of them while he stares at her and shreds paper napkins. ‘AS A GROUP!’ yells James Taylor. To be fair, the desperate is so pungent it’s almost masking the stink of creepy. Liv considers getting Digby a promise ring ‘to symbolise my intention not to be a bellend again.’
Tristan invites James Taylor and Miles for a Christmas back garden barbecue, South African style. ‘THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT TO MY CHRISTMAS,’ says James Taylor, in this instant the voice and face of Brexit. His tone suggests that this time next year, when the country is a starving, miserable combination of Bluewater car park and 28 Days Later theme park, his family shall be eating the only remaining bag of Aunt Bessie’s frozen roast potatoes, and he won’t regret a thing. Miles and James Taylor establish they both fancy Eliza – duh! – And Tristan says ‘She’s not a prize, she’s a woman. Don’t be too aggressive. Be nice.’ Depressingly, this is the best and most moral thing anyone has said in sixteen entire series. Why is Tristan friends with them?
Habbs returns Sam’s Cartier necklace, leaving him distraught. Oh, but there goes the door! Perhaps she’s come ba…ah, no, it’s Biscuits, who has brought carollers and is singing all over their pa-rup-a-pum-pums. Biscuits brings it in. ‘You’re fucking great, you’re amazing in every way.’ We have missed these two - this is the greatest love of all. Also, I might record Biscuits saying this so I can use it as my alarm. Elsewhere Habbs is around the corner from Harrods and having a flirtation with Max, the vaguest man in the world. ‘I’ve got about five siblings to buy presents for,’ Does he not know the number of people in his family? Let’s hope he’s rounding up, to avoid disappointment on the day. Biscuits reiterates his desire to make Sam feel ‘loved and confident’ at Christmas while correcting his French girlfriend’s pronunciation of joyeux Noël’. One person at a time, eh, Biscuits?
The gang are cramming in the Christmas activities at breakneck speed – we must dash and dance to the skating rink, where Miles and James Taylor are pursuing Eliza with slightly less dignity than an asthmatic dachshund lumbering after a chain of link sausages. Still, on that theme, Louise has her puppy, a King Charles Spaniel called Kuji. If you need help pronouncing it, it sounds exactly like Cujo, the murdering dog from the famous Stephen King novel and horror film, but with an ‘I’ on the end. Very sweetly, Ryan has asked Liv to take a ‘family portrait’ for the Christmas card. I’m glad they are all friends again but even the dog looks bored.
Back on the rink, Habbs skates with Max and harshes Sam’s mellow, before everyone rushes off for more mandatory festive fun! A soloist is doing an astonishingly beautiful job on O Holy Night. Harry remarks on her talent before whispering loudly to Digby about the state of affairs with Liv. James Taylor passes Eliza a note that says ‘You look cute’, and to her credit, she rolls her eyes so hard that they only just stay in her head. Then Biscuits gives Habbs a friendly telling off for making Sam sad at skating, while roaming around in front of the altar! What is this church? Has no-one ever told them what a church is? Do they think it’s just a yoga studio where you can fart audibly and keep your shoes on?
Finally, having worked through the obligatory festive outings with the minimum of grace, the Chelseas are allowed to do what they have been longing to do – dress up, get drunk and stop being polite to each other. There are some, erm, cracking incidental shots, where everyone is behaving as though they have never before seen a paper hat or novelty toy. Sam gives Melissa a box for Habbs – of course, it’s the necklace. Of course she cries. We’re crying too. Digby and Liv have an intense and strangely sensible talk, in which she tells him she was going to buy him jewellery, but then she had a think and decided to just be a better human instead. ‘Jumping into a relationship is not where I’m at,’ says Digby. Ah, this is the M&S voucher of Christmas episodes. Not gonna lie, this is exactly what I need – yet it is somehow awfully anti climactic. Thank goodness Biscuits brings it out of the bag. He takes Sam outside and presents him with some adorable, matching his and his jewellery, delivered by an owl. All I want for Christmas is some reassurance from the animal rights people that this fine, feathered creature will be afforded some dignity and protection after the Christmas episode. And please let the owl not have more Instagram followers than me. Thank you, Santa. And thank you Chelseas. May your stockings be from Wolford, and I hope the Queen gives you a shout out in her speech.
Hero of the series
TRISTAN! TRISTAN DID DONE SOME FEMINISM and I am swooning hard. Please, please work your magic on Miles and James Taylor
Villain of the series
As it’s Christmas, I’m going to be generous and award this to the scary clown from last week. Seriously, why are clowns?