One thing we've learnt from Made In Chelsea is that the rich are different. When they wish to confront their enemies, they invite them out to lunch. We’re living through an era of unprecedented strangeness, and there is only one truth that can be proven incontrovertible during this difficult time. If you live within half a mile of Fulham, you shall never have the opportunity to enjoy a meal in a restaurant. It’s impossible to go out for eggs on a Saturday morning without someone leaping out from under the table and providing a garnish of unsolicited advice and home truths. If anyone suggests going out for a 12 course tasting menu and complimentary wine flight, you’re better off feigning busyness and staying at home with the curtains drawn, stapling your eyelids to your cheeks and sprinkling chilli flakes over your loo roll. You’d have a nicer time. So it’s a shock to everyone that Diana and Melissa’s lunch begins and ends with courteous enquiries about health and wellbeing, and at no point does anyone have to remove a shard of wine glass from their companion’s forehead. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t want you to think I hate you,’ says Melissa, generous and mature as a free cheese buffet. ‘But Habbs, for some reason, is not having my back…’ For that is the other Rule Of Lunch. There is always a target, but they’re not necessarily invited.
Diana might be new, but she’s been exceptionally well briefed. She skips off to Lunch 2 with Habbs and Biscuits, and gives Habbs a full report of every single mean thing Melissa has said about her. Whatever we might say about Harry (and there’s plenty) there’s no denying that he’s very good at saving energy. He now has four people who are fully invested in carrying out a fight that he inspired, and he’s free to lie in bed in his pants eating Croatian brand Cheetos, watching Jake Paul videos on his phone. Also, Harry has lied and manipulated himself into a position in which he has a house to himself, because Habbs simply can’t bear to share any more. Machiavelli himself couldn’t have planned a better holiday.
Tabitha and Miles have, as the young people say, ‘gone there’ again. She says it was a snog, he describes what happens in a way that is entirely ungentlemantly, and Tabitha tells Ollie she feels a bit guilty because she’s been seeing a boy in London. I feel a preemptive pang in the way one might when they’re standing by a post box with a letter still in their hand, and no phone. Or a sensation not dissimilar from opening the door of the lift, walking confidently forward and suddenly realising that all that lies beneath your feet is cables and cobwebs. It’s Sam Prince, isn’t it? Tabitha has fucking well been fucking Sam Fucking Prince. A boy with so much unearned confidence that he makes Martin Shkrelli’s self esteem look a bit wobbly. A boy whose intellectual prowess is such that he might struggle to make the qualifying round of Celebrity Catchphrase. La Coeur a sa raisons, I suppose, but Tabitha’s couer is slightly less reasonable than the Cookie Monster in the Bake Off tent.
Liv’s MacGuffin, sorry, dance class, is so torturously dull that the instructor manages to do Hamlet’s entire final monologue with her eyes during her three seconds of screen time. However, we do learn the best worst dance tip of all time. Liv’s Dad told her that the only dance step one really needs is the ‘towel drying’ move. It almost works if you’re Donald Duck. But lying down damply for half an hour with one eye on your phone and the other on Netflix is never going to be ‘the new dabbing’. The only redeeming feature of the dance class is that Lovely Ollie Locke gets involved, a precious bright spot in a dark and fighty world.
Miles gets wind of the fact that Tabitha is sweet on Sam Prince. While we might be baffled by this, it’s really none of Miles’ business. Let’s examine our facts. Miles has been doing bits with Tabitha, in a deeply disinterested fashion, only really bothering when he’s drunk, and finding her interest in him tedious. Tabitha has told no-one about her burgeoning passion for Sam Prince, because they’re not exclusive, it’s very early and she deliberately didn’t make any kind of commitment because she knew she was going on a big sexy holiday. Tabitha’s growing feelings for Sam Prince make Miles’ life much easier. He can walk away, knowing she’s not excessively keen, and he’s not hurting her feelings. So what does Miles do? He resolves to tell Sam Prince at his earliest convenience. Obviously it’s that or get fired from the show, and Miles is too new to take the moral high ground, but I long for someone on MIC to do the right thing, or at least display slightly more integrity than a bowl of custard. Even Sam Prince’s hairdresser is morally suspect. The poor boy has turned up with frosted tips.
In a desperate attempt to stay relevant, Harry Baron has a go at some fake news. ‘Habbs is saying I’m an arsehole! I’m not an arsehole! Admittedly I’ve done things that have been arsehole worthy.’ To be fair, arseholes have a point and purpose. Digby complains that your friends are always the ones who ruin your relationship, by being cruel and obnoxious and pointing fingers when your partner is weeping about the fact that she’s not allowed to leave the house, or wear clothes that show her neck. Friends are the worst.
To prove the point, Habbs tearfully confronts Harry about their earlier showdown. ‘You think I’m an arsehole for lying? If you’d been supportive, we wouldn’t have this issue right now,’ snaps Harry. It’s like watching a sobbing Ophelia being berated by someone in a short sleeved shirt and clip on tie for accidentally going home with a company Sharpie. I think the closest thing to a real emotion that Harry has ever experienced is ‘slightly peckish’. This harrowing episode ends with Miles and Sam Prince both confronting Tabitha, Miles insisting that she’s lying, that she did have sex with him, and here are her earrings to prove it. I have seen MGM dance sequences that make more logical sense. Although MIC has served as a very useful public information film, showing the full and horrible consequences of having sex with Miles. If you value your emotional and mental health, do avoid this one man STI.
Hero of the week
Liv’s Dad, for the information that will make every single wedding DJ’s work slightly more tolerable. As soon as you hear the first strains of Agadoo, just pick up your imaginary towel and get to work!
Villain of the week
Miles, because he is young and dumb and so devoted to blood sports that he ruined two people’s holidays because his ego got slightly dented.
NOW READ: All The Made In Chelsea Relationships You Totally Forgot About...
Reality TV couples you forgot about - stacked
1 of 31Made In Chelsea: Jamie Laing and Louise Thompson
Remember when Jamie and Louise dated (much to Spencer Matthews' dismay) in 2012? Louise then left Jamie for Spencer, causing a very traumatic love triangle indeed. Poor Jamie.
2 of 31TOWIE: Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger
Mark Wright and Lauren Goodger's romance played out in the first couple of seasons of TOWIE, and it even involved a very short-lived engagement! However, after dating on and off for 10 years, the pair later ended their romance and Mark went on to marry actress Michelle Keegan.
3 of 31The Hills: Jason Wahler and Lauren Conrad
She chose him over Paris, but that didn't stop Lauren Conrad's romance with Jason Wahler coming to an abrupt end. Following their rocky romance, the pair split and Lauren later married William Tell.
4 of 31Love Island: Kady McDermott and Scott Thomas
Before she joined the cast of TOWIE to date Myles Barnett in 2018, Kady McDermott appeared on Love Island in 2016, where she found love with Ryan and Adam Thomas' brother Scott. Things didn't work out when they left the villa, with the pair announcing their split in 2017.
5 of 31Made In Chelsea: Binky Felstead and Jamie Laing
Binks is now a mum to baby India, but remember when she dated Jamie Laing?!? After years of friendship, the two found it difficult to transition to an actual relationship, so decided to call it a day.
6 of 31TOWIE: Lydia Bright and James 'Arg' Argent
Before he started dating Gemma Collins, James 'Arg' Argent and Lydia Bright were one of TOWIE's golden couples. After being on and off for years, the pair ended things for good in 2016. Meanwhile, Lydia gave birth a baby girl, Loretta Rose, in February 2020.
7 of 31Love Island: Sam Gowland and Georgia Harrison
His on/off romance with fellow Geordie Shore star Chloe Ferry came to an end for good (we think) earlier this year but Sam Gowland first hit our TV screens on Love Island 2017, where he left the villa with former TOWIE star Georgia Harrison.
8 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Jamie Laing
Jamie and Lucy were together for a bit and would even walk their dogs together. Not one for holding back, Lucy Watson has called the show 'incestuous' and she 'no longer wants to waste time with people like Jamie and Proudlock'. Ouch.
9 of 31Made In Chelsea: Ollie Locke and Chloe Green
Topshop Heiress Chloe Green joined the MIC lot in 2011 to date Ollie Locke. Ollie had previously dated Gabby who he broke up with to explore his feelings for men, only to then end up with another woman. It did not go down well...He's now loved-up with husband Gareth Locke.
10 of 31TOWIE: Lucy Mecklenburgh and Mario Falcone
Before Lucy started dating former Coronation Street actor Ryan Thomas, she actually introduced Mario Falcone to TOWIE viewers as her boyfriend. Despite Mario proposing to Lucy on a luxury yacht, things didn't go to plan and their romance ended for good in 2013.
11 of 31Made In Chelsea: Lucy Watson and Proudlock
Ah yes, Lucy and Proudlock. They were the most swoon-worthy couple in SW3... oh, until Lucy found out that Proudlock was dating other women.
12 of 31Love Island: Rykard Jenkins and Rachel Fenton
After meeting on the show in 2016, Rykard and Rachel lasted 18 months in the real world, a lot longer than most Love Island couples!
13 of 31Made In Chelsea: Rosie Fortescue and Hugo Taylor
When Hugo was dating Millie Mackintosh in the show, he hooked up with her best friend Rosie. Millie then raised her glass to a party full of guests and said 'cheers to friendship'. However, Hugo later reconnected with Millie and the pair MARRIED in July 2018. Almost two years later, Millie gave birth to their first child, a baby girl, in May 2020.
14 of 31TOWIE: Charlie Sims and Ferne McCann
These two were actually together for SIX YEARS! But after Charlie decided to quit TOWIE, he later publicly dumped Ferne on Twitter, with reports suggesting he made her choose between him and the show.
15 of 31The Hills: Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge
Ever since Justin Bobby and Audrina split on The Hills, fans of the popular show have pleaded for them to rekindle their romance, even more so after Audrina announced she was divorcing her husband Corey Bohan.
16 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Lucy Watson
Spenny took Lucy to Paris in 2013 and we almost believed he had given up his womanising ways. We were wrong and he admitted to cheating on Lucy with several women. Spencer is now happily married with Vogue Williams and the pair have two adorable children together.
17 of 31TOWIE: Joey Essex and Sam Faiers
Another TOWIE couple which led to a failed engagement. Despite Sam and Joey dating from 2011, the pair didn't make it down to aisle, ending their relationship in 2014.
18 of 31Made In Chelsea: Spencer Matthews and Louise Thompson
Louise joined the show as Spencer's (very despairing) girlfriend. Spencer being Spencer, couldn't stay faithful and resulted in a fair few teary scenes between the pair.
19 of 31TOWIE: Gemma Collins and Charlie King
Perhaps one of the strangest couples ever to grace TOWIE, The GC dated Charlie King in series four, but Charlie later announced he was gay on live TV.
20 of 31Love Island: Tyla Carr and Jonny Mitchell
After breaking Camilla Thurlow's heart, a lot of Love Island fans forget that Jonny Mitchell later coupled up with Tyla Carr.Of course, the romance didn't last when they left the villa!
21 of 31Made In Chelsea: Alex Mytton and Binky Felstead
Binky and Alex were love's young dream (kind of) for two years until his constant cheating became unforgivable. It all worked out well though as she now has the cutest little baby girl with JP and is loved up with boyfriend Max Darnton.
22 of 31The Hills: Heidi Montag and Jordan Eubanks
Before she met, married and had a child with Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag actually dated a guy called Jordan Eubanks on the show. Their romance was played out during season one, before they split.
23 of 31TOWIE: Jess Wright and Ricky Rayment
Potentially one of the messiest break-ups in TOWIE history! After Jess and Ricky dated for two years, things seemed to be going well until Ricky was accused of texting other women. After the split, the pair ended up having a bitter Twitter war. Jess later found love with William Lee-Kemp and got engaged in March 2020.
24 of 31The Hills: Jayde Nicole and Brody Jenner
As well as his 'fake' relationships for the show with Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, Brody's romance with Jayde seemed pretty serious in 2008. Despite getting matching tattoos, the pair split in December 2009.
25 of 31TOWIE: Lauren Pope and Kirk Norcross
Series two of TOWIE saw the lovable Lauren Pope hooking up with Kirk Norcross. Despite the pair getting his and hers nose jobs', the pair split just weeks after.
26 of 31Love Island: Montana Brown and Alex Beattie
They were one of the hottest couples ever to grace our screens, but things didn't work out for Montana Brown and Alex Beattie when they left the villa in 2017. In fact, their romance lasted just six weeks.
27 of 31Geordie Shore: Vicky Pattison and Jay Gardner
Her time on the show may be best remembered for her turbulent relationship with Ricci Guarnaccio but Vicky Pattison's first Geordie Shore relationship was actually with Jay Gardner back in series one.They were attracted to each other as soon as they stepped in the house but decided they were better off as pals after a series of rows.
28 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Megan Barton-Hanson and Demi Sims
Love Island's Megan Barton-Hanson and TOWIE star Demi Sims hit it off when they both appeared on Celebs Go Dating in 2019. Despite dating for a short time, the pair's romance was over before the series even ended.
29 of 31TOWIE: Bobby Norris and Harry Derbidge
He was one of the show's OG cast members but Harry Derbidge took a break from the TOWIE scene in 2011 before reappearing three years later (in some VERY skimpy swimwear) as Bobby Norris' boyfriend. It all ended in tears though when Harry confessed to sleeping with his ex on holiday in Tenerife.
30 of 31Celebs Go Dating: Charlotte Dawson and Frankie Cocozza
They sign up to date us normal folk but those Celebs Go Dating lot just can't resist breaking the rules and getting it on with each other, can they? In 2017, Charlotte Dawson hooked up with X Factor bad boy Frankie Cocozza but it didn't last once the show ended and she's now loved-up with rugby player Matt Sarsfield.
31 of 31Geordie Shore: Holly Hagan and James Tindale
She might be loved up with footballer fiancé Jacob Blyth now but back in series three of Geordie Shore, Holly Hagan enjoyed a fling with co-star James Tindale. Unfortunately, she was left heartbroken when he returned to the house for series four with a girlfriend.