Last night’s Love Island restarted an age-old debate: Can a person who cheats, ever really change? It’s a sensitive question for anyone who’s fallen foul of a cheating partner, with answers depending heavily on whether you’ve been the cheater, cheatee or fortunately managed to avoid ever falling into one of those boxes.
For Love Island’s Jess Harding and Ella Thomas, the answer is simple. ‘Once a cheat always a cheat,’ Jess declared in the middle of a tense game of Never Have I Ever after Zachariah Noble admitted to cheating on two of his previous partners when he was younger. ‘A leopard never changes his spots.’
Zach attempted to defend his behaviour as youthful misgivings, adding ‘I like the person I’m becoming; I’ve matured – no excuses… I look forward to the day where I’m with somebody I don’t want to cheat on.’
Ella didn’t take that too kindly – nor do we blame her to be honest – asking, ‘If someone can justify cheating then who’s to say they won’t cheat again?’ To Jess’s agreement. Now, the girls later went on to apologise to Zach for being judgemental during the challenge, but the debate had begun online, nonetheless.
‘Am I the only person who thinks Ella and Jess are in the right?’ one viewer tweeted to thousands of likes. ‘Like why are people acting like cheating is normal?’
‘Tbf, “once a cheat, always a cheat” is the wrong attitude to have,’ another disagreed. ‘Molly is right, Jess is wrong. People can and do change.’
So, what’s the conclusion then – can a leopard actually change its spots with some intense self-reflection and maturing? We asked some self-confessing cheaters what they think and Lily*, 28 from London, certainly thinks so. ‘I cheated on my first boyfriend when I was 18,’ she tells Grazia. ‘It was two weeks into the relationship, and I was just being drunk and stupid, so much so my partner at the time understood and let it go. We were together for two years after that and I never once thought of cheating, nor have I since with new relationships. I absolutely think people can change.
‘So much goes into why you are the way you are at a certain point in your life,’ Lily continues. ‘Insecurities, trust issues, past relationships, or just general immaturity. It would be depressing to think that over the course of our lives we don’t grow and change depending on how much we’re willing to reflect and make changes.’
I was craving validation in my early 20s.
‘I was definitely craving validation from men when I was in my early 20s,’ agrees Jamie*, 31 from Manchester. ‘I would’ve cheated in a heartbeat but a decade later and I can’t recognise that person at all. I think as you grow up, learn more about yourself and experience your own pain and traumas, you absolutely change as a person and that impacts your relationships and the way you behave in them.’
For others, the growth hasn’t been quite so – as Whitney would say – giving. ‘I’ve cheated on every partner I’ve had and if I’m being brutally honest, I don’t really trust myself not to,’ admits Hollie*, 30 from Essex. ‘I’ve had so many toxic relationships where in the process of it breaking down, I’ve drunkenly got with someone. That’s no excuse, it’s just the truth.
‘I would love to be in a relationship where cheating never enters the equation, but it just hasn’t for me yet,’ Hollie continues. ‘In the moment, I never think it’s that serious because the cheating doesn’t mean anything about how much I care for the person I’m with and all my partners have cheated on me too. That’s why I’m single to be honest, at least until I meet someone I know I can have a healthy relationship with.’
*names have been changed