The trouble with Made In Chelsea is that whenever anyone goes on a trip, two subsequent episodes are devoted to rehashing that trip, more or less in real time. Unless, mysteriously, it’s the summer series, in which all events seem to pass in a sealed vacuum, and they’re never alluded to in the real world (Ahhahahahahahahahaha!) Anyway, we know we’re in for a replay of last week’s Canada holiday. A re-eh, if you will. (That joke works better out loud.) Will Miles learn from his selfish, impulsive actions? Will the lions on Dynasties enter into a constructive and supportive dialogue with the hyenas? Will I get to Christmas Eve with any advent calendar chocolates left? Probably not.
Habbs’ birthday is coming up, and Sam wants to play it cool as it’s their first celebration together, so he’s got her the new Jonathan Coe and a Colin the Caterpillar. Kidding! He is giving her the special birthday gift of best friendship with Louise! Also, a Cartier necklace. (Your correspondent had a little look on the website, because she liked the idea of giving herself the gift of Cartier. There is nothing online that costs less than a thousand pounds.) Louise seems delighted to be invited to Habbs’ birthday, perhaps because she knows she needs to get in with the next generation in order to have her contract extended. She’s the Dame Maggie Smith of SW3 – she might play our steely dowager duchess today, but if people lost interest it would be all too easy to send her off with an attack of the vapours if the occasion called for it. ‘Now you’re back from Canada, we’ll have double dates!’ she tells Habbs, who looks slightly ashen. Perhaps because she’s imagining long, protein heavy dinners with Ryan, and picturing him tearing at a whole Nando’s chicken with his bare hands.
Digby seems pretty chilled aboutLiv’s drunken kiss with Miles. Ah, wait, that’s because he didn’t know about it. Sam spills the beans a little too casually, and Digby leaps up and paces menacingly outside Miles’ front door. (Is he still sharing this front door with Habbs and Emily? This part of plot seems to have been forgotten this week.) Digby is FEWMIN’. ‘I’m FEWMIN…G,’ he says, remembering just in time that he isn’t Danny Dyer and that he might get into trouble if he picked Miles up by the collar. ‘You’re meant to be my best friend!’ As far as we know, Digby and Miles have known each other for a little less than a year. Does he have no real, none telly friends? Digby’s lack of proper, solid pals is more heart breaking than the drunken betrayal. ‘You only care about yourself,’ chunters Digby, which is true. He’s delivering some solid home truths. Let’s hope that Miles is mentally there to receive them. Spiritually, he’s a blinking, gurning mess of Yodel ‘Sorry you were out’ cards.
Habbs brings Louise out for an awkward, giggly, birthday dinner, with her other ‘best friends’ Emily and Melissa, who are pretending to have forgotten that they hate each other. Louise tells Habbs that she is welcome to climb over the garden wall any time. ‘My home is your home.’ Why must all of the Thompsons be so terrifyingly keen? Is it genetic? Did they spend their childhood holidays failing to read social cues, grinning blithely as people ran from them at hotel breakfast buffets?
Liv is hiding from Miles and Digby, and appears to get a taxi all the way to Henley. To be fair, when Digby rings her up to berate her, she’s quick to tell him ‘it was both of us, it’s not fair for everyone to be going in on Miles the whole time.’ This doesn’t appease Digby. His hair looks like a stock photo from a poorly organised seminar about mental illness in the workplace. He’s running away to New York. Why? Who does he know there? Has anyone told him that cronuts are now available in the UK?
Sam is desperate to meet Habbs’ Dad, and Louise takes him shopping for a new outfit – Thompsons, chill, please! We know this will end in tears! Unbeknownst to either, Habbs has been weeping uncontrollably to Emily about the fact that she’s got the ick. Her Dad never turns up for lunch, but we meet her delightful Mum, who unlike her daughter, uses every vowel in the alphabet. How did she produce a child who sounds so posh that viewers are constantly worried that she’s in the middle of a stroke? Or struhhhhhhhhhhhhhck?
Habbs finally breaks down at Ollie’s book launch (The Islands Of Fandye, a whale of a tale – possibly literally) and weepingly tells Sam that she actually can’t even. She’s squeaking with distress, it’s as close as we’ll ever come to watching Minnie Mouse having a breakdown on Loose Women. Louise rushes over, gleaming with self righteousness and venom. ‘She’s a USER, Sam! I HATE HER!’ It’s a shame she has an open invitation to hang out at your house then, Louise. I think that life is going to get very Alexis vs Krystle between now and Christmas, and I am here for it.
Hero of the week
I have a huge amount of respect for Liv for acknowledging that she is equally at fault in the Miles saga – and even more respect for Habbs’ Mum for bringing a welcome breath of fresh TOWIE air to the stuffy dining rooms of Fulham.
Villain of the week
Absolutely irrationally I am going to award this to James Taylor because every time I see him on the screen, I gnash my teeth, and if I wasn’t spending all my money at the dentist’s I could buy a Cartier necklace too