Season three of Selling Sunset was released on Netflix last Friday and I, like everyone in the world it seems, spent my entire weekend binge-watching it. The real estate, the outfits, the drama – nothing disappointed, except one storyline I just can’t get out my head: the disgusting reaction to Chrishell Stause’s divorce.
In case you need a reminder, the season’s end follows Chrishell finding out her husband, Justin Hartley, wanted a divorce when he filed papers in court the morning after an argument. She says she was blind sighted by how quick it all happened, and by the fact TMZ reported on it the same day she found out. Instantly, her friends and fellow agents jumped to her aid, except two: Christine Quinn and Davina Potratz.
‘There’s two sides to every story,’ they kept repeating. And they’re right, there is two sides to every story - there’s just no need to keep harping on about that as if Chrishell is somehow playing the victim. But that’s not even the worst of it. ‘When I met him he was really nice,’ the pair continued to state throughout the final few episodes. ‘Yeah, he was always nice to me,’ they said.
It’s a trope that has been used against women a thousand times. As if how a man treats strangers, or the friends of his partners, is indicative of his behaviour towards a woman he’s been in a relationship with – or married to – for years. The ‘but he was always nice to me’ card isn’t just meant to invalidate a woman’s experiences of her partner, it’s meant to silence her.
In Davina and Christine’s mind, Chrishell can’t possibly be telling the truth about her experience with her husband because he was polite to them during one conversation. Charming even.
Except it’s not that simple, is it? We’ve seen time and time again that men who appear to be charming or polite on the outside can be wholly different people at home with their wives. That’s where their comments go beyond mean, the outcome of a series of long vendettas against the new girl, and into dangerous.
‘But he was always nice to me’ is the calling card of those who deny that men can be abusers if they are seemingly put together, respectable individuals in public. Those who are abusive rely on their public perception to hide their true behaviour indoors, and victims are forced into silence for fear that if he seems nice to everyone else, no one will believe he’s not really.
This reaction perpetuates an environment where women feel they can’t speak out.
To be clear, that’s not to say Chrishell experienced any abuse at all in her marriage, nor to say Justin was abusive. However, we can’t ignore that this exact reaction to Chrishell’s divorce perpetuates an environment where women feel they can’t speak out about their negative experiences of a man for fear of being disbelieved.
Ultimately, Davina and Christine have absolutely no insight into Chrishell’s marriage. They admit that themselves, in fact they use that against Chrishell to imply that she’s lying about her experience. But that doesn’t just give them no right to comment on it, it makes their intention to invalidate her hugely damaging.
This show is clearly being watched by millions since it sits in the Netflix top three shows watched today in countries all around the world. How many women are sat at home watching this seeing their own experience of being invalidated by friends, family or colleagues played out in front of them? How many women are secretly desperate to confide in friends about a horrible home life, only to watch a reaction like this and have their fears confirmed that no one will believe them?
It’s time we put an end to the ‘But he was nice to me’ narrative and realise, whether you have one conversation or 100 with someone’s husband, whether you’ve known a certain couple one week or one year, you can never truly know what goes on in someone else’s marriage. Our instincts should never be to discredit women’s experience, but rather, believe them.
Read More:
Selling Sunset's Christine Quinn: 'Season Four Is Delayed Til 2021 Because of Covid'
Selling Sunset: Everything You Need To Know About Chrishell Stause
Selling Sunset: Everything You Need To Know About Maya Vander