Despite all the incredible films that are coming out this year both in the cinema and on our favourite streaming services, sometimes there's nothing better than settling down with one of your favourite rom coms of days gone by.
Watching your favourite couples on their romantic journey always used to be an enjoyable activity, but in recent years it's actually been pretty eye-opening.
As we revisit the nineties and noughties classics we grew up on with our now adult eyes, it’s hard not to notice how wildly problematic half of them are. And particularly, when it comes to love at least, the best romantic movies are often the worst offenders.
As overall films, classic romantic comedies might be beating out today’s crop, but when it comes to the couples they revolve around, half of the relationships in our most beloved rom coms are actually super toxic.
Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones's Diary
Mark Darcy is the epitome of a toxic man dressed up as a ‘good guy’. All you really need to know is that he makes Bridget feel like s**t almost all the time, purely because of his own communication issues and insecurities, and no matter what his excuses are, the outcome of his actions matter, regardless of intention.
Over the years of their on/off relationship, he abandons her multiple times, prioritising work and ultimately making her feel inadequate and unloved. This is a woman he knows is insecure as hell, by the way.
And yet, we yearn for them to be together every time. Really, it’s because Bridget loves him and we want Bridget to be happy, but we also never really find out WHY she loves him. It seems that she only really likes him because he likes her, we don’t ever see the qualities he has that match her charm, humour and tenacity, all the while being equally attractive – if not more – with a great job and her own flat.
At least Daniel Cleaver knew how to have a laugh, we’d rather have 10-years of being Friends With Benefits with him, to be honest…
Sebastian Wilder and Mia Dolan, La La Land
Ryan Gosling as Sebastian in La La Land is literally the parody “feminist f**k boy” character that comedians do. That guy who wants you to know how cultured and intellectual he is and patronises you in the process all while acting like he’s such a liberal feminist. Stop pushing jazz on Mia, Sebastian, she said she doesn’t like it!
Rewatching this film more recently, we actually breathed a sigh of relief when *spoiler alert* the pair didn't get together.
John and Jane Smith, Mr & Mrs Smith
Yes Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are both genetically blessed, but Mr and Mrs Smith is so toxic.
When we were younger we used to think the scene where they beat each other up and destroy the house was so hot. But now we watch it and wonder ‘Why?’. It just glamourises domestic violence and definitely isn’t the type of relationship we should yearn for, like the writers want us to.
Mr and Mrs Smith will also always be a bitter viewing for us as the film that allegedly broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
80% of Love Actually
This one’s not exactly a shocker, but Juliet (Keira Knightley) and Mark (Andrew Lincoln) alone are enough to make anyone queasy. Why is this grown man in love with a woman he hasn’t had one real conversation with? It seems we’re meant to think it’s romantic that he’s in love, despite the fact all he’s done is built up an idea of a woman he barely knows in his head, purely because she’s attractive.
But seriously, if a man falls in love with a woman he doesn’t speak to, spends her wedding recording close up shots of her and then turns up at her door to admit his love for her, that’s not romantic, it’s stalking.
The same weirdness also goes for the Jamie (Colin Firth) and Aurelia (Lucia Moniz) storyline, they literally do not speak the same language and spend the whole film blundering through awkward small talk. So, why are we so excited when he proposes to a woman he’s not even had one conversation with? Once again, he loves the idea of her, but he doesn’t actually know her well enough to be in love.
Supposedly one of the best romantic Christmas movies, we hate to break it to you, but love actually isn't all around us.
Charles and Carrie, Four Weddings and a Funeral
According to psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member Beverly Blackman, this iconic rom com is too FILLED with toxic tropes.
‘A movie full of unhappy singles, all with attachment issues, in a sea of apparently happy weddings. As the audience, of course we want Charles and Carrie to get together - we are rooting for them from the moment they meet. But why?’ she asks. ‘Charles admits he is in awe of anyone who can make the commitment of marriage and that he couldn’t do it. All of his ex-girlfriends have a long list of rude comments he has made about them – which they tell him during one wedding – and it’s clear from the start that while he may have charm, he has no ability to emotionally connect. ‘
Charles (Hugh Grant) and Carrie (Andie MacDowell) begin a no-strings-attached sexual relationship – which is toxic in itself because it’s technically an affair – and not only does Charles begin to confuse physical intimacy with emotional, but he shows himself to be emotionally avoidant with every available woman he dates.
Charles likes Carrie because she toys with him, plays hard to get if you will, and she too seems to be completely devoid of developing emotional connections. It’s only when Carrie disappears and reappears at Charles wedding to a woman completely unsuited to him that he decides to humiliate said woman at the altar and ask Carrie if she would agree NOT to marry him.
‘The only way he can commit is by having an exit route planned if he needs it; one suspects Carrie might need it too,’ says Blackman. ‘The happiest relationship in the whole movie, and one whereby the emotional and loving connection is so beautifully and convincingly portrayed without so much as a visible affectionate gesture, is that of Gareth (Simon Callow) and Matthew (John Hannah).‘
Danny Zuko and Sandy Olsson, Grease
‘A lot of [toxic] behaviour between the lead characters Danny [John Travolta] and Sandy [Olivia Newton-John] is romanticised,’ says Counselling Directory member Karen Schumann. ‘Firstly, Danny brags to the boys what he has “done” with Sandy, whilst she remains polite and respectful. He then dismisses her when then meet as she isn’t cool enough for him.
‘Later in the film he forces himself on her in the car at the drive-thru, then goes off with a more popular woman at a school dance. After all that Danny has done to her, at the end of the film, Sandy decides she needs to change herself in order to be with him! As viewers a lot of his behaviour is ignored and we find ourselves longing for the couple to be together, despite him being disrespectful, forceful and chauvinistic.’
Zack Siler and Laney Boggs, She’s All That’s
‘This film's plot is that a high school jock tries to save his reputation by making a bet that he can turn an unattractive girl in to a prom Queen!’ says a baffled Karen Schumann. ‘Laney [Rachel Leigh Cook] is seen to be unpopular at school because of her looks and she is mocked. The idea that a woman should be the centre of a bet is pretty grotesque in itself, let alone being made fun of because of how she looks. Zack [Freddie Prinze Junior] is forced to spend lots of time following her around to “get to know her”, and then once she is deemed “pretty enough” they seemingly fall in love. Even when Laney finds out about the bet, the idea of them falling in love is so romanticised she forgives him.’
What does that teach us then, huh? That all is fair in love and war? Because just an FYI, it isn’t. If a man is comfortable mocking you to his friends until you ‘glow up’, not only does he have zero respect for you, but he’s also bound to make you feel insecure at every turn – God forbid you gain some weight or use the wrong foundation shade…
Alexis and Tank Turner, My Best Friend’s Girl
‘This is another movie where the woman is used as a sort of bet,’ says Karen Schumann. ‘Dustin, the guy Alexis [Kate Hudson] is currently dating wants to “secure” her as his girlfriend but she isn’t sure. To make this happen he hires his colleague Tank [Dane Cook] to be awful to her, so that she can see how good he is!
'This not only tricks Alexis, but places her in a humiliating situation, and she is used like a pawn in game. Tank then starts to fall in love with his colleague's girlfriend and rather than open up to her, continues to lie to Alexis until the end, lying to Dustin too. The deceit, dishonesty and treatment of all parties in this film are dismissed in the name of love.’
Allie Nelson and Noah Calhoun, The Notebook
The Notebook is often hailed as one of the best romantic movies of all time so what we're about to say may be bordering on rom-com blasphemy: Allie and Noah are awful together.
Their very dramatic relationship is based on one summer fling, and spawns into Noah [Ryan Gosling] being obsessive and resorting to sweeping unwanted gestures because he can’t take no for an answer. Despite her refusal to date him, he persists, even warning he is ‘done asking’. All of this transpires in him threatening suicide until she agrees to go out with him. And that’s just the first toxic act wrapped up in a romantic gesture.
What Noah really aptly portrays is how dangerous the ‘thrill of the chase’ mentality is – PSA if you have to ‘chase’ someone to get them to date you, they don’t want to date you… you’re just harassing them – because it results in Allie [Rachel McAdams] being pressured into dating him for fear of him doing something reckless in response, an act she no doubt would be blamed for because she didn’t just ‘give in’.
Throughout the film he’s verbally abusive to Allie, they get into physical altercations in public and constantly argue. 'It's not going to be easy it's going to be hard, we're going to have to work at this everyday but I want to do that because I want you,' Noah tells Allie during one fight. Reality check, Noah, if the relationship is right, it SHOULD be easy - especially when you've spent a total of three days together for the first time in years.
We’re meant to believe this conflict, the 'hard work' is actually what a passionate love looks like, that they're eratic and explosive incidents are borne from that 'passion' with scenes of their fights intertwined with those of them making up. And what did we grow up believing as a result? That breaking-up and making-up is the height of true love because while you clearly can’t stand to be together, you equally can’t stand being apart. Honestly, if we met Noah now, we’d run for the hills before he sucked us into his vortex of toxicity.
Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet, Romeo & Juliet
Although technically not rom-com at first, the relationship between Leonardo Di Caprio's Romeo and Claire Danes' Juliet was a romance we idolised nonetheless. And no offence Shakespeare, but WTF.
This story might’ve taught us a lot about the detriment of family feuds, but not so much about relationship goals. First of all, Romeo and Juliet are not in love, they’re infatuated with each other. They barely know each other for a start, and they agree to marry hours after meeting.
As is the case with a few of these supposedly romantic stories, Romeo pressures Juliet into falling for him after she admits it’s ‘too sudden’, and guilts her into isolating herself from her entire family simply because he wants her to himself.
But the biggest lesson from this is story is that a lack of communication – quite literally – kills relationships. The fact that both of these young adults die just because Romeo didn’t receive Juliet’s message that she intended to fake her own death to be with him is indicative of how young and naïve they both are. If you’re planning something that dramatic, is it not surely incumbent you make sure the man you’re supposed to be in love with is aware you’re not actually dead?
Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox, You’ve Got Mail
Yes, we know, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan SHOULD be the perfect couple, but You’ve Got Mail is certainly not their perfect pairing.
This film about a couple that hate each other in real life while secretly being in love online – apparently both catfishing each other – has all the makings of a toxic relationship. Why? Well, for a starters because their relationship is built on lies – in ‘real life’ and virtually.
Not only does Joe conceal his identity as the corporation hoping to destroy Kathleen’s independent, when he realises that she is the woman he’s been falling in love with online instead of telling her, he taunts her. Then there’s that entirely icky scene when he shows up at her house unannounced, forces his way in without consent and as she lies sick in bed he sits close to her and touches her lips… creepy much?
All in all, we’re meant to forgive this non-consensual weirdness, his penchant for lying and narcissist outburst because he’s decided he loves her and she does him. And after all, in all of these rom coms, love seems to conquer all of blatant incompatibilities and creepiness, right?
We apologise if we've completely ruined your list of the best romantic movies by pointing out the cold, hard truth, but there are still some incredible rom coms out there where the leading couple are actually relationship goals. We're talking My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Big Sick and the highly-underrated Down With Love to name just a few.