Whenever she saw James* in the canteen, Lucy*’s stomach flipped and her cheeks flushed. But Lucy isn’t a schoolgirl. She’s a 42-year-old mum of two.
‘I’ve been with my husband Tom* for 16 years, and married for 12. I worked part time when the boys were young, but two years ago I began working full time at a large company. I was paired up with James, who is the same age as me, also married with young children, and we hit it off right away. We have the same sense of humour, same views, and similar backgrounds with all these funny little coincidences in our families.
‘Before long, I developed feelings for him, and we began messaging each other outside of work. Work stuff at first but then jokes, and then long back and forth exchanges that went on all evening. My stomach would flip every time my phone pinged.’
It’s a dilemma being played out in the latest season of And Just Like That. In one scene, Lisa Todd Wexley, a happily married 40-something mum of three famed for her oversized jewellery, played by Nicole Ari Parker, confesses to Charlotte, ‘I have a work crush. That’s OK, right?’ Charlotte replies, ‘It’s just a crush, right? It’s not the end of the world.’
So, is it OK?
‘It’s normal to have physical attraction to others even when we’re in a relationship, we’re only human,’ says Sarah Louise Ryan, a relationship expert and therapist. ‘However, if the attraction feels more than physical, perhaps emotional, then it would be time to ask yourself what’s happening in your marriage.’
As an analogy, Ryan compares long-term relationships to a tyre. ‘We must do our best to keep the energy, which is the air, in the tyre,’ she explains. ‘If there is an attraction, attention and connection leak outside of the relationship. In other words, air escapes out of the tyre. And the further it deflates, the harder it is to repair.’
The allure of what feels 'forbidden' dissipates in day-to-day life
Sarah Louise Ryan, relationship expert
As the latest AJLT storyline shows, Ryan says many romantic connections are formed in the workplace. 'And this includes affairs, because we spend so much of our time there.’
Little wonder that a recent study from the Society for Human Resource Management found that more than 50% of those surveyed admitted they had fancied a colleague at some point.
Lisa*, who is 38 and single, admits that she was one of them last year, when she went through a break-up and developed a crush on a colleague who was married with a young child. ‘I felt so guilty, but I couldn’t help it.’ Looking back, she thinks he enjoyed the attention and encouraged her feelings.
‘I spent so much time thinking about him, I neglected my work. My sleep suffered and I ignored so many red flags – like him messaging me late into the evening, or when he was on a family holiday. I’d then torture myself by looking at his holiday photos on social media.’
In the end, she was headhunted by another firm and felt relieved when she left and contact between them fizzled out. ‘I saw him last year at a mutual colleague’s drinks and I couldn’t believe I’d ever fancied him.’
Ryan says that while workplace crushes may seem exciting at first, most don’t stand the tests of real life when, and if, they’re taken outside the office. ‘This is because the allure, mystery and eroticism of what feels “forbidden” dissipates in the monotony of day-to-day life. More often than not, you’ve fallen in love with the idea of someone.
It’s important that both people in a marriage take responsibility for any energy that seems to be exiting it, and to work towards reconnection to forge a stronger bond in order to mitigate any future crushes or connections.’
Which is exactly what Lucy did last year. ‘I never told my husband about my workplace crush,’ says Lucy, ‘but I realised it wasn’t going to end well for our family if I continued with it. Instead of fixating on James, I worked hard to remind myself how great Tom was: kind, funny, a brilliant father to our boys and, ultimately, my best friend.’