Another day, another Reddit wedding drama. And this time it’s not the bride or groom with a big problem but the bridesmaids. In a thread posted this week, a woman was left in a moral quandary over whether it was acceptable to tell her co-worker that she didn’t want to be her bridesmaid even though she’d agreed to take on the role 10 days before.
Explaining the awkward scenario online, the woman wrote: I started work at a new job part time two months ago and became work acquaintances with a girl in the office who is getting married this year like me. For context, her weddingis two months before mine (start of April) and naturally we have gravitated towards each other at work over our upcoming weddings.
‘About 10 days ago she approached me with a proposition for her wedding,’ she continued. ‘One of her bridesmaids could no longer come to her wedding (for reasons I can’t recall) and she asked me if I would be a bridesmaid. Her bridal party is small, with only x1 bridesmaid, a maid of honour and a teen maid. I was taken aback when she asked me and felt pretty awkward, put on the spot and felt ever so slightly pressured to say yes when she asked me even though she emphasised there was no pressure.’
‘The following day [when] I came to work, she approached me and asked what my decision was, and I said yes,’ the (now) bridesmaid continued. ‘She told me that everything was already organised including my dress, accommodation, hair and makeup and the only thing I would need to get is shoes.’ Seems simple enough right? Just turn up and smile? Wrong.
‘Now that I’ve had time to think about it more than a week I realise now that I won’t be very comfortable to do this,’ the OP explained. ‘Not to mention if any potential costs appear that she expects me to pay for I will have to decline as I have my own wedding ahead.’ This is a legitimate concern as bridesmaids spend approximately $1,200 per wedding, according to a study by WeddingWire{
‘I might feel differently if her wedding was on the weekend, but her wedding is on a Wednesday in the mountains away from the outer city suburbs of where I live,’ the OP added. To get there, the OP would be looking at staying over the night before, with a 6am wake up call to get glam, and a late night before work the next day… We can feel the headache building now.
‘It feels a little weird to be doing that for someone I barely know,’ she admitted. ‘I’m starting to feel guilty like I’ve strung her along for the last 10 days, as I know how stressful wedding planning can be and that she mustn’t have anyone else to ask to be her bridesmaid if she had to ask me….AITA [Am I The Arsehole] for backing out now or should I honour the decision I made? How and what should I tell her if I’m going to back out?’ she nervously quizzed the internet for help.
There has been some serious dithering on the OP's part after a potentially hasty response, which isn’t great. But, according to the etiquette authority Debrett’s, the OP just needs to back out ASAP if she’s going to ditch: ‘Being asked to be a bridesmaid is a great honour, and the decision to accept the role should not be taken lightly,’ Advisor Liz Wyse told Grazia.
‘You should only back out in extreme circumstances (eg illness, bereavement), never because you’ve have had a better offer, or can’t spare the time. If you are forced to excuse yourself, then you should give the bride a full explanation and – if parents are involved in hosting the wedding – write them a formal, letter, apologising for the inconvenience you will cause and stating the reasons for your decision.’ That seems intense, but some grovelling is definitely going to be required to get out of this one.
In fact, Britain’s top luxury wedding planner Mark Niemierko thinks the situation might actually be unsalvageable: ‘A bridesmaid resigning is not an issue,' he told Grazia. 'But, obviously, you’re probably going to lose that friendship. It will come with consequences. There is no good way to do it just like there’s never going to be a good time to dump someone or fire someone. You just need to get on with it.’