Being single can be amazing, but it can also be hard going at times - and rarely more so than on 14th February when Valentine's Day rolls around - literally an entire day dedicated to celebrating love and people in couples. Even if you’re surrounded by loving friends and family, it does sometimes feel like an entire day has been spawned to make you question the entire direction of your v. happily single life. Why else would Galentine’s and Palentine's have taken off with such force?
You only need to look at Revolut's Valentines Day advert this year to see the it. Appearing in tube stations across London, the mobile banking service's advert asked 'to the 12,750 people who ordered a single takeaway on Valentine’s Day – you ok, hun?' causing outrage at the outdated single-shaming message.
But what if you don't just feel a bit irked about being single for one day in February? What if you really, truly hate it? How can you learn to love being on your own? Chidera Eggerue, known online as The Slumflower, whose debut self-help book What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough received rave reviews, is inspiring thousands of women to practice the self-care they preach on Instagram and learn how to feel fulfilled in their own company.
It's a long, enduring journey learning to love being alone, and it's one Chidera is constantly trying to engage women in. With that in mind, we spoke to her about all the questions we should be asking ourselves if we're not comfortable being single, and boy are they important...
1. What is it you think you’re missing?
‘We’ve all heard the saying “the grass is greener on the other side”, and even the additional saying “well, the grass is greener where you water it!” but what about some of us who don’t have grass or water?’ says Chidera, ‘What about some of us who are alone? If we imagine that the grass is a relationship and the water is emotional availability, why don’t we water our relationship with ourselves?’
2. Have I celebrated myself today?
‘Overlooking your greatness is the leading cause of impostor syndrome, which is why most of us believe we don’t deserve joy - even after we have worked tirelessly for it,’ says Chidera, ‘But it’s also important to think about how often we disregard our own company because of the belief that we aren’t good enough, interesting enough, funny enough. Listen - for the world, you will never be enough but for yourself, you will ALWAYS be enough.’
3. Who convinced you that your company will never complete you and why do you believe them?
‘Romantic films have definitely screwed us all and I think most of us have figured,’ says Chidera, ’Films, as misleading as they are, are actually a reflection of the society they were created in. We all participate in a capitalist system that thrives off our fear of being alone. It’s all a hoax.’
4. Are you lonely or are you bored?
‘Boredom is the ideal breeding ground for bad decisions,’ says Chidera, ‘When I’m bored, I challenge the feeling by asking myself: in what ways am I going to override the conditioning imposed on me that my time only has value if it is spent with or on someone other than myself?’
5. Why are you so scared of yourself?
‘The short answer is fear of the unknown,’ says Chidera, ‘If you don’t know yourself, you will continue trying to find yourself in other people who are desperately searching for themselves in others too. Imagine being an active part of a corrosive cycle that drains you, when you could instead, confront yourself and keep taking baby steps until you finally feel ready to meet yourself!’
6. What if this particular stage of my life requires my solitude for it to be effective?
‘I’ve decided that my 20’s are dedicated entirely to me,’ says Chidera, ‘This doesn’t just mean treating myself extra nice and being more positive with my outlook. It also means separating myself from people I have formed loving attachments to, so that I can grant myself the chance to create the most important attachment of my life, which is the one with myself.
‘It’s absolutely terrifying to distance yourself from people you love without them being emotionally prepared for the separation,’ she continues, ‘because it means you have to hurt people’s feelings. But sometimes, you don’t need to wait for relationships and friendships to turn sour to take your leave. Sometimes, you just need to hit the hard reset on your life. In hindsight, it’ll benefit them too. I promise you.’
7. Do I place my self worth in how much other people need me?
‘Some of us have an unhealthy relationship with the concept of feeling needed by others,’ says Chidera, ‘This behaviour comes from somewhere valid and that’s probably your childhood, where at some point down the line, you learnt that you weren’t good enough unless someone depended on you.
‘This can put a strain on your life because it means for the most part, you will actively seek people who are “needy”,’ she continues, ‘but the problem with this is that the needy person often knows how to weaponize this trait to their benefit even if it hurts your feelings. If we don’t take the time to heal, we will continuously end up in scenarios that reveal our wounds.’
8. Am I running away from myself?
‘Yes. You are running away from your potential, you are running away from your healing,’ says Chidera, ‘You are running away because it’s terrifying to know that you can do better but it’s easier to settle for a version of yourself that is unhappy and coasting through life with no solid sense of direction or intention. It’s okay to be scared. The world is horrible and our demons are mean. But it’s more important to be brave for your inner child who needs you.’
9. In what ways can I make my home better to enjoy being alone more?
‘View your room or house as YOUR safe space,’ says Chidera, ‘Adorn it, love it and treat it like it’s the closest you can get to heaven on earth. This might also mean inviting people over less frequently in order to really concentrate the energy of the environment. Allow your living space to exist with intention.’
10. How does my inner child feel?
‘Scared? Neglected? Ashamed?’ asks Chidera, ‘It’s all okay. But I think the child inside you needs to hear you say “you are beautiful. You are loved. You are seen. Dear inner child, I believe you.”