My Back-To-School-End-Of-Homeschooling Bucket List

Kids back at school in England on Monday 8 March you say? Halle-frikkin-lujah! One mother-of-three reveals her back-to-school bucket list.

Back to school March 8

by Louise Burke |
Updated on

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When I catch my reflection in the mirror, I get a fright. I’m pale, drawn and displaying more wrinkles than I would have predicted 12 months ago. I see grey hairs. I see dark circles. And I see a small person in the background ready to fire a paper aeroplane at me fashioned out of their maths worksheet I dutifully but painfully printed out at 11.47pm the night before. Arghhhh.

This lockdown life has gone on for too bloody long. It’s been tough on us all one way or another but it’s really screwed those of us with kids at home to feed, clean, teach, entertain and cuddle around the clock while we desperately hold down a job. But not long now until the the kids are back in school! So I keep reminding myself after every plea for a snack or a class Zoom glitch.

Ever since the official return date for schools was leaked in the news (never saw the point of the PM briefings), like many parents, I have been fantasising about the days when my house will be free of my three children - one eight and twins who are five. Free of lethal bits of lego hiding in my impractical Berber rug, free of piles of paper puppets crafted out of a Twinkl print out cluttering the kitchen table and free of discarded empty toilet rolls that have a habit of gathering by the bathroom sink.

Obviously I love my children, but after 12 long months of life not as we’ve ever known it, I am brimming with giddy excitement about their return to school FIVE WHOLE DAYS A WEEK. Something I will never ever take for granted ever again. (Dear God, let us hope it lasts.)

As we all know, the wfh-homeschooling combo does not work from home. And while it makes me shudder to think of the disastrous impact the pandemic has had on women’s careers and worth (something us mums might save to discuss as we illegally ‘linger around the school gates’ maybe?), I can’t help but take this moment to fantasise about life without my child’s feral face directly in mine calling out my name all day. Here, I share with you some of my new life goals…

ENJOY THE SILENCE

Having an eight year old and two five year olds with you the entire waking day can be overloading on your senses. Navigating the three of them simultaneously around phonics, the Roman invasion and 3-D shapes is a bit like having three death metal tracks on full whack playing at the same time in your head. Otherwise known as mental torture. You know it, right? So after dropping off at school that first day, I’m going to head back to my quiet - silent - home. And I’m just going to sit alone with no one climbing on me or tugging at my elasticated waistband. Imagine being able to go for a wee in peace too. Bliss.

EAT THREE MEALS OUT

I can not and will not eat another cheese sandwich (not until the weekend at least when we regroup). I want to eat food that has not been prepared by my own weary hands that now resemble the skin texture of Harry Potter’s elf Dobby. I’m fed up of playing cook and waitress making multiple meals all day long. And clearing up. Forget it, I’m dining out (even if it is on the park bench until cafes and restaurants open on April 12).

GET RID OF THE LAZY LOCKDOWN WARDROBE

Joggers and sweats for the school run, yes, but in my new-normal fantasy life, I’m skipping about in a lovely floaty spring dress (a nice Kitri number is on its way as I type). I’m going for colour but a cut with plenty of room round the waist to accommodate the lockdown love handles. Friends might even start to recognise me in the street again.

ATTEND TO THE TOPIARY

If I’m going to be wafting around in said floaty spring dresses, I’m going to have to tend to my gorilla legs. And while I’m at it, I might as well do an all round trim ’n tidy. Home alone, I can now do this. I just need Veet and valium. Or maybe I’ll just google laser removal instead.

HAVE A DAYTIME NAP

Yes I know we have looooooads of work to catch up on to get us back in the game again, but surely you’re not needed in every meeting? Go on, turn the camera off and nod off. Surely that comes under self-care? For the flexi workers among us, block out an afternoon for Netflix and crisps on the sofa. I will finally be catching up on Married At First Sight Australia, only six months later than the rest of the world.

PLAN A GIRL’S NIGHT OUT

March 29, April 12 and June 21 are the next important dates in our calendars. They’re basically the social stepping stones to getting inebriated - it begins with a drunken garden gathering of six, then you can up it to drinking at an actual bar where masked-humans pour your drinks for you (dreamy), and finally you can go all out on June 21. Get those nights out locked in now. Feeling panicky about integrating back into society? Take a breath - this is your chance to have REAL FUN WITH FRIENDS again (getting carried away with caps just at the thought of it). Just don’t peak too soon and be home in bed fully-clothed with a hangover by 9.30pm.

READ MORE: What Are You Going To Wear When We Can Socialise Outside Again? Here Are Some Ideas

SANITISE MY LAPTOP

Okay, so it’s not got all the jazzle of a girl’s night out, but the day I open my laptop not to find smudged brioche finger marks across my screen, pencil shavings stuffed in my speaker and doodles on my mouse pad, will be a happy one. Not to mention an organised and filed desktop without a scattering of schoolwork PDFs (don’t get me started on my photo stream of my kid’s drawings I’ve had to upload - although I have marked some favourites). There was no room for organisation in lockdown, but it’s making a comeback. And it’s not just the laptop that’s getting Hinch-ed. The whole house needs a deep clean.

TAKE PLEASURE IN CONVERSATION WITH A GROWN-UP

Can you even begin to imagine starting a sentence and reaching the end of it without being interrupted 456 times? Better than that, you’ll only have to say it once without repeating it five times. It’s ok, you’re not going mad after all. What we and our kids have endured this last year is not normal.

REIGNITE THE FLAME WITH YOUR WFH CO-WORKER

You know the other person lurking in your house who’s often staring into a screen like a zombie in headphones? Yeah him/her, your partner aka your horny wfh co-worker. Saying you’ve got nothing left to give isn’t as valid an excuse any more…

BOOK A HOLIDAY

Sod it, I’m booking that summer holiday abroad in August. The one with the pool by the beach. Because I want both. I want options. I want sunshine. I want sand between my toes. I want menus. I want cocktail happy hours. I want laughter. I want to feel like me again. I want us to feel like us again.

READ MORE: Should I Actually Book A Holiday Abroad Right Now?

Gallery

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