Pixels Over Presence: Why Lockdown Reliance On The Digital World Has Left Mothers Feeling Overwhelmed And Alone… And What To Do About It

Anna Mathur, Psychotherapist and mum of three shares a lightbulb moment prompted by a mishap at a mini golf course. Why, at a time we need to be more open about how we feel, has it never felt so tough?

Mum looking at phone

by Anna Mathur |
Published on

For more parenting stories, advice, tips and memes, check out Grazia's new parenting community on Instagram, @TheJuggleUK

UK restrictions lifted just enough for a family trip to crazy golf. Excitement levels soared at the thought of doing an actual thing that didn’t involve another schlep around the development.

Ten minutes and two holes in, my four-year-old hurtled into the slime-lined ‘pirate sea’. My husband waded in and hauled him out. All three kids wailed in chorus. One drenched, one bereft at the game being cut short, and one because…. well, why not? We began a soggy procession back to the car.

I posted Instagram stories about the chaos, receiving a cascade of messages proclaiming ‘I’m glad it’s not only me’.

And herein lies a problem.

How have we got to this place where we feel alone with trips that begin in gratitude for freedom, and end with folding screaming kids into carseats?

If the normality of those common motherhood moments has been warped by the distance forced upon us this last year, or edited out of the snapshots we do see, no wonder we feel alone in our anxieties, feelings and challenges.

No wonder we feel unable to verbalise intrusive thoughts about falling babe-in-arms down the stairs, or disclose cost of parental burnout, or desperate fantasies about having an injury (not life threatening but enough to be looked after and forced to rest). No wonder we conceal the red hot mother rage that boils up from chronically unmet needs, or the pain of splintering relationships.

Why do we feel like this?

We’ve had less contact with friends, more contact through a screen, through a filtered lens. This pseudo connection fuels comparison, often concluding our behind-the-scenes a failing. We are hard wired to believe what we see and it takes a lot of effort to convince our tired minds otherwise. Whilst we’ve been making inroads forward in openness around mental health, for many of us this last year of digital overwhelm has clouded perspective of what is real, and what is simply a screenshot of a bigger story we aren’t privy to.

This is easier when we are face to face with others, hearing the exhale of exhaustion as someone flops onto our sofa, catching the expletive whispered under a breath in a tense moment. We witness the flickering edges of a wavering smile. We hear the sincerity in the words, ‘Can I help you?’, we see the piles of washing shoved behind a door, unopened mail on the sideboard.

We see more of life unfiltered when screens are removed. Connection feels deeper and warmer without faltering WIFI or misconstrued WhatsApp messages. It feels safer.

What can I do to feel less alone?

Challenge yourself to step beyond the ‘I’m okay’ when speaking with friends.

Where possible, choose presence over pixels.

Limit social media use or switch up who you follow. Seek those who are open and honest.

Rest where you can! Delegate, cut corners, head to bed earlier. You need energy to bring coach yourself through moments of comparison.

Remind yourself that you’re viewing life through a lens. The beautiful soul-connecting mess of humanity is lost through screens and filters.

If you feel you’d benefit from talking things through in more depth with a professional, contact your Doctor or The Counselling Directory.

Whilst you may feel alone, you are not alone. Neither with the family chaos, or the unnerving intrusive thoughts. The shared soggy kid stories build the foundation upon which we can grow in slow confidence to share the stuff that requires vulnerability, the stuff that really needs to be shared rather than shrouded in shame.

For many years I feared that openness would push people away from me. Yet as I’ve grown in confidence, I’ve found the opposite. Often the things we feel alone in, are the things that could unite us most of all.

Anna Mathur is on Instagram @annamathur

For more parenting stories, advice, tips and memes, check out Grazia's new parenting community on Instagram, @TheJuggleUK

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