Pixels Over Presence: Why Lockdown Reliance On The Digital World Has Left Mothers Feeling Overwhelmed And Alone… And What To Do About It

Anna Mathur, Psychotherapist and mum of three shares a lightbulb moment prompted by a mishap at a mini golf course. Why, at a time we need to be more open about how we feel, has it never felt so tough?

Mum looking at phone

by Anna Mathur |
Published on

For more parenting stories, advice, tips and memes, check out Grazia's new parenting community on Instagram, @TheJuggleUK

UK restrictions lifted just enough for a family trip to crazy golf. Excitement levels soared at the thought of doing an actual thing that didn’t involve another schlep around the development.

Ten minutes and two holes in, my four-year-old hurtled into the slime-lined ‘pirate sea’. My husband waded in and hauled him out. All three kids wailed in chorus. One drenched, one bereft at the game being cut short, and one because…. well, why not? We began a soggy procession back to the car.

I posted Instagram stories about the chaos, receiving a cascade of messages proclaiming ‘I’m glad it’s not only me’.

And herein lies a problem.

How have we got to this place where we feel alone with trips that begin in gratitude for freedom, and end with folding screaming kids into carseats?

If the normality of those common motherhood moments has been warped by the distance forced upon us this last year, or edited out of the snapshots we do see, no wonder we feel alone in our anxieties, feelings and challenges.

No wonder we feel unable to verbalise intrusive thoughts about falling babe-in-arms down the stairs, or disclose cost of parental burnout, or desperate fantasies about having an injury (not life threatening but enough to be looked after and forced to rest). No wonder we conceal the red hot mother rage that boils up from chronically unmet needs, or the pain of splintering relationships.

Why do we feel like this?

We’ve had less contact with friends, more contact through a screen, through a filtered lens. This pseudo connection fuels comparison, often concluding our behind-the-scenes a failing. We are hard wired to believe what we see and it takes a lot of effort to convince our tired minds otherwise. Whilst we’ve been making inroads forward in openness around mental health, for many of us this last year of digital overwhelm has clouded perspective of what is real, and what is simply a screenshot of a bigger story we aren’t privy to.

This is easier when we are face to face with others, hearing the exhale of exhaustion as someone flops onto our sofa, catching the expletive whispered under a breath in a tense moment. We witness the flickering edges of a wavering smile. We hear the sincerity in the words, ‘Can I help you?’, we see the piles of washing shoved behind a door, unopened mail on the sideboard.

We see more of life unfiltered when screens are removed. Connection feels deeper and warmer without faltering WIFI or misconstrued WhatsApp messages. It feels safer.

What can I do to feel less alone?

Challenge yourself to step beyond the ‘I’m okay’ when speaking with friends.

Where possible, choose presence over pixels.

Limit social media use or switch up who you follow. Seek those who are open and honest.

Rest where you can! Delegate, cut corners, head to bed earlier. You need energy to bring coach yourself through moments of comparison.

Remind yourself that you’re viewing life through a lens. The beautiful soul-connecting mess of humanity is lost through screens and filters.

If you feel you’d benefit from talking things through in more depth with a professional, contact your Doctor or The Counselling Directory.

Whilst you may feel alone, you are not alone. Neither with the family chaos, or the unnerving intrusive thoughts. The shared soggy kid stories build the foundation upon which we can grow in slow confidence to share the stuff that requires vulnerability, the stuff that really needs to be shared rather than shrouded in shame.

For many years I feared that openness would push people away from me. Yet as I’ve grown in confidence, I’ve found the opposite. Often the things we feel alone in, are the things that could unite us most of all.

Anna Mathur is on Instagram @annamathur

For more parenting stories, advice, tips and memes, check out Grazia's new parenting community on Instagram, @TheJuggleUK

READ MORE: 8 Tips That Could Help Stop You Shouting At Your Child

READ MORE: The Danger Of 'You've Got This' When It Comes To Parenting

READ MORE: How To Know If You Have Parental Burnout - And What To Do About It

Gallery

Best Parenting Books

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, By Carla Naumburg PhD1 of 30

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, By Carla Naumburg PhD

Pragmatic about helping you work through your sh*t to be a more present and positive parent. Increasingly relevant to today's parents, who are more overloaded, overwhelmed, and overworked than ever before, Carla Naumburg has the antidote to the feelings of complete despair and rage. With some humour too…

There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', By Kate Silverton2 of 30

There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', By Kate Silverton

This Sunday Times Bestseller details the secret to tackling tantrums, tears and laying the foundations for your child's mental health. In There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', mum to two young children, journalist and children's mental health advocate Kate Silverton shares her groundbreaking new approach to parenting under-fives that helps to make family life a breeze!

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes, By Melinda Wenner Moyer3 of 30

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes, By Melinda Wenner Moyer

As Melinda's children grew, she found that one huge area was ignored in the realm of parenting advice: how do we make sure our kids don't grow up to be assholes? How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes is a researched, evidence-based guide that provides a fresh, often surprising perspective on parenting issues, from toddlerhood through the teenage years.

Why Did No One Tell Me?: How to Protect Heal and Nurture Your Body Through Motherhood4 of 30

Why Did No One Tell Me?: How to Protect Heal and Nurture Your Body Through Motherhood

For too long, women have been told that debilitating conditions following pregnancy are normal and something they have to just put up with. Emma Brockwell is on a mission to change this. In this guide, Emma combines her expertise as a specialist women's health physiotherapist with personal experience to create a warm and informative handbook to help pregnant women and new mums take control and care for their changing bodies. Find out how to:

The Gentle Discipline Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith5 of 30

The Gentle Discipline Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

In The Gentle Discipline Book, Sarah Ockwell-Smith debunks many commonly held beliefs about punishment and motivation and provides an alternative approach that will empower you to discipline your child in an effective way and with respect. Gentle discipline is not about mollycoddling your child or being a pushover - it means understanding your child, having realistic expectations of them, and responding to their misbehaviour appropriately. It focuses on teaching and learning, not punishment or rewarding.

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame6 of 30

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

No Bad Kids is a collection of Janet's most popular and widely read articles pertaining to common toddler behaviours and how respectful parenting practices can be applied to benefit both parents and children. It covers such common topics as punishment, cooperation, boundaries, testing, tantrums, hitting, and more.

When The World Feels Like A Scary Place, By Abigail Gewirtz7 of 30

When The World Feels Like A Scary Place, By Abigail Gewirtz

This book by prominent child psychologist Dr Abi Gewirtz, brings solutions to a problem that is only going to get worse - how bad things happening in the world affect our children, and how we can raise engaged and confident kids in spite of them. Through conversation scripts, talking points, prompts and insightful asides, When the World Feels Like a Scary Place is an indispensable guide to talking to our kids about the big things that worry them - making us calmer parents with more resilient children.

Queen Bees and Wannabes8 of 30

Queen Bees and Wannabes

A revised and updated version of Rosalind Wiseman's groundbreaking book for a new generation of girls. Packed with insights about technology's impact on Girl World and enlivened with the experiences of girls, boys, and parents, the book that inspired the hit movie Mean Girls (YES REALLY) offers concrete strategies to help you empower your daughter to be socially competent and treat herself with dignity.

How Toddlers Thrive, By Tovah P. Klein9 of 30

How Toddlers Thrive, By Tovah P. Klein

Leading toddler expert Dr Tovah P. Klein reveals why age two to five is the most crucial time for a child's brain development and how parents can harness this period to have a lifelong positive effect on their children's lives. With chapters on everyday routines, tantrums, managing change and avoiding toddler shaming, this smart and useful guide promises to inspire you to be a better parent. Sarah Jessica Parker says: 'Tovah taught me how to resist the temptation to fix everything, and instead give my children the opportunity to learn how to problem-solve for themselves.'

The Montessori Toddler10 of 30

The Montessori Toddler

This book promises to not only help you become a more effective parent but actually change how you see your children. Written by Montessori educator Simone Davies, this book shows you how to bring the educational values of a Montessori classroom into your home-while

Parenting The Sh*t Out Of Life11 of 30

Parenting The Sh*t Out Of Life

From Grazia columnist Anna Whitehouse aka Mother Pukka and Matt Farquharson aka Papa Pukka, comes the Sunday Times bestselling account of parenting told from both perspectives, and a handy guide (kind of) on how to raise a small human. The must-read for all parents and parents-to-be - and possibly the best (or worst) baby shower gift you could ever give a prospective mum or dad...

What Mummy Makes12 of 30

What Mummy Makes

Promising 130 recipes that will suit six-month-olds AND the rest of the family, this book could save you a lot of hassle when it comes to dinnertime…

Sex, Likes And Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, By Deana Puccio And Allison Havey13 of 30

Sex, Likes And Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, By Deana Puccio And Allison Havey

Based on their professional work with young people, parents and teachers – and their experiences with their own children – Deana Puccio and Allison Havey give you the tools to talk to children who are digital natives with experiences wildly different from their parents'.

I Am Not Your Baby Mother14 of 30

I Am Not Your Baby Mother

A thought-provoking, urgent and inspirational guide to life as a Black mother. It explores the various stages between pregnancy and waving your child off at the gates of primary school while facing hurdles such as white privilege, racial micro-aggression and unconscious bias at every point. Candice does so with her trademark sense of humour and refreshing straight-talking, and the result is a call-to-arms that will allow mums like her to take control, scrapping the parenting rulebook to mother their own way.

The Calm And Happy Toddler, By Dr Rebecca Chicot15 of 30

The Calm And Happy Toddler, By Dr Rebecca Chicot

You think a newborn is the hard bit… and then you meet your little toddler. This book promises to help you, gently, through tantrums, night-waking, potty-training and all the fun stuff that goes with having a toddler. Dr Rebecca Chicot has a PhD in Parenting and Child Development from Cambridge University.

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen16 of 30

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen

Tried and tested communication strategies to survive - and thrive - with kids ages 2-7. Users have rated this book for having a helpful toolbox of tricks that are easy to understand and carry out.

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-Free Parenting, By Dr Laura Markham17 of 30

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-Free Parenting, By Dr Laura Markham

Most parenting books focus on changing a child's behaviour, but this book says the truth is that children only change when their relationship with their parents changes. In Calm Parents, Happy Kids, Dr Laura Markham introduces an approach to parenting that eliminates threats, power struggles and manipulation, in favour of setting limits with empathy and communication. Bringing together the latest research in brain development with a focus on emotional awareness (for both parents and children), it will appeal to all parents who don't want to force their children into compliance and lose their temper, but want to keep calm and help their children want to behave.

15-Minute Parenting 0-7 Years: Quick And Easy Ways To Connect With Your Child, By Joanna Fortune18 of 30

15-Minute Parenting 0-7 Years: Quick And Easy Ways To Connect With Your Child, By Joanna Fortune

This also comes in a version for 8-12-year-olds and posits that just 15 minutes of mindful playtime each day in your and your child's routine could change behaviour. Created with busy parents in mind, psychotherapist and parenting expert Joanna Fortune has devised a simple but effective method to build quality playful time together at home, structured around 15-minute games that can be easily incorporated into your existing daily routine.

The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play19 of 30

The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play

With a foreword written by Fearne Cotton and written by Russell Brand's wife and mother to his two children, this book has star ratings. But it's also hugely useful and full of games and tips to keep children preoccupied in ways that don't involve screens, which everyone knows is very much half the battle of parenthood...

French Children Don't Throw Food20 of 30

French Children Don't Throw Food

Part travel book and autobiography, this book shares journalist Pamela's parenting tips she learned from living in France. And, for added glam, it's set to be made into a film, starring Anne Hathaway...

The Whole-Brain Child21 of 30

The Whole-Brain Child

Designed to help children of different ages, this pioneering, practical book for parents, neuroscientist Daniel J. Siegel and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson explain the new science of how a child's brain is wired and how it matures. Different parts of a child's brain develop at different speeds and understanding these differences can help you turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child's brain and raise calmer, happier children.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), By Philippa Perry22 of 30

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), By Philippa Perry

Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. She lives in London with her husband the artist Grayson Perry, and they have a grown-up daughter, Flo. Billed as a book for parents and children (and those who aren't yet parents), this book comprehensively covers lots of different stages of life and has a host of celebrity fans from Nigella Lawson to Fearne Cotton.

Your Baby Week By Week23 of 30

Your Baby Week By Week

The book to shove in your pregnant friend's hands and tell them to only read week by week. A helpful manual of things your baby might and could be doing, week by week. As with all books, best taken with a dose of salt too – use the helpful bits, ignore the unhelpful/ones you can't quite face (i.e. the sleep bits…)

Nobody Told Me24 of 30

Nobody Told Me

If it's weaning or sleep-training schedules you're looking for, this might not help exactly, but this book of poetry will make you smile. And probably nod your head a lot. And sometimes cry, and sometimes feel understood. Which goes much further than you'd think.

The Second Baby Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith25 of 30

The Second Baby Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

This guide examines the specific issues that can arise with a second pregnancy and birth. From the common concerns about siblings, such as how to prepare your firstborn for what's to come, to how to cope with the practicalities of life with two young children. And the feelings parents are likely to experience, too - because it's easy to forget about this part.

Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds26 of 30

Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds

Raising a teenager can leave you feeling like a parenting beginner all over again. Children in the 'between' stage change daily, leaving parents struggling to understand the child they once thought they knew. In Between by parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith uses biology, psychology and sociology of adolescence to give readers practical parenting advice that you can use to help your child through the tricky transition from childhood to adulthood.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk27 of 30

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

Parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide effective step-by-step techniques to help you improve and enrich your relationships with your children. Read this guide to learn how to break a pattern of arguments, cope with your child's negative feelings, engage your child's co-operation, set clear limits, express your anger without being hurtful and resolve family conflicts peacefully.

The Danish Way Of Parenting: What The Happiest People In The World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids, By Jesica Joel Alexander And Iben Dissing Sandahl28 of 30

The Danish Way Of Parenting

What makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and how do Danish parents raise happy, confident, successful kids, year after year? This upbeat and practical guide reveals the six essential principles that have been working for parents in Denmark for decades:

Baby Knows Best29 of 30

Baby Knows Best

Baby Knows Best is a comprehensive guide that shows parents how to respond to their babies' cues and signals; how to develop healthy sleep habits, why babies need uninterrupted playtime and how to set clear consistent limits. After reading as parents you will be more relaxed and also have more confident, self-reliant children.

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys30 of 30

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys

Calmer Easier Happier Boys sees parenting expert Noel Janis-Norton explains simple strategies for the unique challenges of raising motivated, cooperative and confident boys. Using the stellar techniques Noel has developed over many years of working with families, parents can get back in charge. Living with boys can become calmer, easier and happier.

Just so you know, whilst we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website, we never allow this to influence product selections - read why you should trust us