There's a saying, 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.' Well, the 2020 update should be, 'Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean you didn't piss your friend off with that WhatsApp'.
Yes a quick chat 'in the office' (on Teams) today, revealed we're all feeling a bit/totally paranoid about our friendships. Are they mad at us? Did they mean that WhatsApp to sound that way? Should we have checked in on them? Are they feeling patronised that we did check in? What does it mean that we didn't manage to catch up between lockdowns? What does it mean that we would've happily met them for dinner, but actually don't fancy it if we're now in Tier 2 and it has to be in a cold park? Is our friend sick of meeting us in a park with our kid in tow because we've run out of childcare bubble options? THERE IS SO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.
Is it just us? Tell us if it's just us...
An article on American website The Cut also expressed the feelings everyone is having, including this tweet which pretty much summed it up.
We feel VERY SEEN.
Of course, there's times in our lives when we all feel a bit like this anyway. But it seems to be more than ever thanks to the various stages of lockdown and social restriction we've been under this year. And it makes sense I guess. We can all track these feelings probably very closely to a graph of when we've not been doing so great in general. And 2020, well, it's not doing so great in general.
'I’ve turned into a bit of a paranoid psycho recently, worrying that people are mad at me,' Sam admitted. 'Because so much is over message now there’s so much room for misinterpretation – did they not realise I was joking there? Did they realise that was sarcasm? Whenever someone doesn’t reply within a few hours I re-read over my messages thinking how I must have offended them, or what I might have forgotten to ask them about. The second they do reply I realise I was completely mad and overreacting to worry in the first place. But because we’re not seeing anyone as much anymore, we don’t really know how people are doing or what they’re really thinking, which leaves room for your imagination to turn your life into a world of pain.
READ MORE: Friend Shedding: How The Rule Of Six Has Made Us Recalibrate Our Social Circle
'I’ve also found myself feeling offended that someone hasn’t been in touch to hang out recently, then I realise they probably haven’t been in touch with many people because NO ONE CAN HANG OUT ANYMORE, and there’s loads of people I haven’t been getting in touch with either. But something about being at home, away from friends and parties and gatherings, is making me trick myself into feeling like everyone else is having fun out there without me and that maybe I'm not as close to some of my friends anymore.'
Britney told me the rule of six in general has made her specifically feel worried. 'I was chatting to a friend the other day who was telling me about going to a party and feeling bad that they could only invite half the group,' she says. 'It was only then that I started thinking, "Oh yeah, am I going to be in that group?" I feel like I'm looking at social media now trying to see what people are up to. Like, are people out and I'm that seventh person, not getting invited? Previously I feel like people would always be really open and try and get people involved for fear of leaving people out. Now it's like people have a definite excuse to get away with just seeing who they want and leaving others out, by saying, "Sorry, there could only be six of us!"'
Now, with many areas moving into tier 2 and tier 3 levels of lockdown, maybe some of those fears will be taken away. If no-one can mix households indoors, then that's nothing to worry about. But then, maybe those gatherings are just still happening illegally without us. And there's still the messaging to worry about instead...
Some are concerned that they are being left out or that somehow they are losing touch, in many ways covid has triggered an extreme form of FOMO
Relationship therapist and Counselling Directory member Pam Custerssays that the one thing we don't need to feel paranoid about, is whether we're alone in these thoughts. They're expected if anything.
'As we move into lockdown much of what we have always taken for granted is uncertain, not least our friendships,' she said. 'So much of life has been stripped back, especially social interaction. Many of us are working from home so the normal after work impromptu social events are no longer happening. The usual house parties are a thing of the past and gone are the days that you can drop in for a coffee with a friend. The impact of all these restrictions has caused many to feel like they are being left out.
'Many of my clients talk about not following up with friends because there is very little to talk about. The usual talk about holidays, weddings or office dynamics are simply not available. This puts pressure on relationships as it requires us to share things that are of a deeper nature and so we leave it longer between calls or plans to meet. Clients in my practice are all talking about only spending time with a very small select group of people as they are either consciously or subconsciously trying to not see people because they are not sure how much their friends are keeping covid safe.
'Whilst clients have spoken about their social life shrinking they are all delighted when they hear from friends. Some are concerned that they are being left out or that somehow they are losing touch, in many ways covid has triggered an extreme form of FOMO. In reality your friends are probably feeling the same as you. Make the effort to contact your friends. Even if it's for a zoom call, a walk or to share a take away coffee. They will be equally delighted and you can be sure that they think you are having a grand time. This is a moment when we need to share our vulnerabilities and take the step to reach out and you will be pleasantly surprised.'
As always it's best if you're feeling worried to not only be open with your friends, but look at your own behaviour and how that could be interpreted too. There's lots of things we hope will be different as we slide into a second wave - but let's take that initial March spirit of looking out for each and being kind, with us again.