Forgive me for typing the words that should see me sacked from Grazia, but last night Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt reunited on screen for the first time since 2001... and I DID NOT LIKE IT.
Am I the only one? Did anyone else feel...(icky? weird? uncomfortable? like the bad guy in a dystopian novel making people do stuff?)... while watching Morgan Freeman narrate Brad Pitt's character wanking over the imagined image of touching Jennifer Aniston's character's breasts?
If you've not watched it yet, you're probably feeling veeery confused about what in fresh hell I am talking about. So let me explain.
Alongside loads of A Listers like Julia Roberts, Morgan Freeman, Henry Golding and Matthew McConaughey Jen and Brad were helping to raise money for Sean Penn's emergency relief organisation CORE and REFORM Alliance.
To do so, SOMEONE decided it would be good for them to do a virtual table read of the classic 1980’s film Fast Times At Ridgemont High, all playing different characters. Brad played Brad Hamilton and Jen played Linda Barrett.
But, given that I've seen no other clips of anything else that happened, I think we can all agree that the big draw was Brad and Jen, back on 'screen' 'together' again for only the second time ever. The first being when Brad starred in an episode of Friends in 2001.
Ok fine. So far, so exciting.
Except, I dunno, I've only just unclenched my fingernails from my palms and uncurled by toes after watching it?
The internet seems divided, some think (like Matthew McConaughey, who is WETTING HIMSELF the whole way through exactly as you'd expect him to, and is probably the funniest bit about the whole mess) it's hilarious. Some are on my side and want to 'crawl in a hole and die' as one social media user said.
Why so uncomfortable and WHY HAVE I HAD TO WATCH THIS then?
Firstly, I guess seeing grown adults read out a fantasy scene, including script notes, is always gonna be slightly cringeworthy.
But, honestly, it maybe does feel a biiiiit weird seeing Brad and Jen flirt on screen while he's going through a divorce from Angelina Jolie - the woman he left Jen for and then had kids with. I KNOW they are doing characters, they're actors, it's a joke, it's for charity. They seem very fine about it. I'm just tryna figure out my emotions here! Anyway, I'm guessing Ange and the kids probably haven't donated.
Or maybe it's just that Morgan Freeman is narrating the whole thing and saying things like, 'Brad is jacking off' or 'Her breasts seem even bigger than usual, her nipples are hard, poking through the string maroon bikini' and then... 'Lord have Mercy!' That's... not ideal.
READ MORE: What Does Your Reaction To The Brad And Jennifer Reunion Say About You?
There's also the fact that I KNOW THEY'RE ACTING FOR CHARITY, but that they're not in costume or anything and Brad's character is called Brad, so Jen has to peer over her wire-rimmed glasses and say things like: 'Hi Brad, you knew I always thought how cute you were. I think you're so sexy. Will you come to me?'
It all just feels TOO MUCH - like an episode of The Office cringe, but times a million. Too much of a set up, too much of their mates sat around like, 'I double dare you', like you're at a senior school party being dared to do something you know is going to stay with you for life. Jen's face having to constantly seem not bothered in case everyone speculates endlessly...
And the four-way shots of men giggling at wanking jokes is just a bit... too??
There was such excitement over that SAG Awards picture last year and the growing proof that Brad and Jen are kinda fine now - and at the time we wrote about what it says about people that they've found that just SO exciting.
But, yeah, actually, after following their relationship and break-up over decades, it is exciting, the idea that Brad and Jen would be reunited on screen. And YES IT IS FOR CHARITY I KNOW, but if we were going to get one shot at that, there's a million things I'd rather have seen them do than act out a very pre-me Too, 'It's ok cos it's from the 80s guuuuys' scene.
In case any producers are listening, here are some things I'd like to see Brad and Jen (realistically) star in... a film where they play hurt, but friendly exes that are doing their best to make it work post-divorce for the kids, a film where they're old flames from High School that meet at reunion and think about whether they should've stayed together but ultimately know it wouldn't have been right, a film where they're BFFs and one is in love with the other (Brad obvs, he deserves it) but it never works and they come to an understanding that platonic love can exist, a film where they're brother and sister (good right?), a film where they're rival CEOs of two somekindofmedia firms (straight to Netflix and into my veins), a film where Jennifer Aniston's husband leaves her, and shacks up with Brad Pitt, a film where Brad Pitt's wife leaves him and she shacks up with Jennifer Aniston.
I have more.
But mostly, I don't want to see them hooking up on screen. For many reasons. Because I also can't stand what this has done, which has brought out all the 'Oooooh they should've stayed together-ers' and everyone is analysing every raised eyebrow and face (Jen does VERY well with giving away nothing tbf).
Anyway, safe to say, Jen and Brad probably don't care what I think and probably had a good old quite normal chat about it on a group WhatsApp (and a side chat, I bet) full of huge A-Listers. Which I'm also uncomfortably jealous about, but anyway.
AND, we've all been talking about it all day and HOPEFULLY therefore the charities have raised a lot of money, which is GOOD.
Just please don't ever let me hear Morgan Freeman say 'Brad is jacking off' again? Thanks.