Hailey and Justin Bieber have opened up about their marriage struggles on US podcast In Good Faith with Chelsea & Judah Smith with Hailey revealing that during Justin’s experiences with depression, her mother once talked her into staying with him after his mental illness began to take a toll on their relationship.
‘I remember I called [her] a few different times, one particular time [when] we were in Brooklyn and I was calling her, I was crying, and I was like, “I just can’t do it. There’s no way that I’m going to be able to do this if it’s going to be like this forever”’, Hailey explained. ‘And I just remember she was so calm on the phone and she was like, “It’s going to pass, and you’re going to be fine and he’s going to be healthy and we’re here for you.” And I do feel like we had a lot of support.’
Hailey went on to say that it was the ‘hardest part’ of her life at that time, and it would’ve been ’10 times harder’ without her family support. ‘I made a decision,’ she said. ‘I know for a fact that I’ve loved this person for a very long time and now would not be the time to give up on him. I just wouldn’t do that to him. Imagine abandoning somebody in the middle of the worst time of their life, potentially. I’m not that type of a person, So I was going to stick it out no matter what the outcome was going to be. It was really hard.’
Naturally, the comments have caused debate online. For a long time, social media users have attempted to spread the narrative that Justin mistreats Hailey – sharing videos on TikTok of Justin ignoring Hailey, talking over her or making jokes at her expense - with Hailey quick to deny such claims. The rumours about their marriage are more complex than one would expect though, considering the influence of Justin’s sometimes-toxic fan base who want him all for themselves, and those similarly toxic fans who prefer him with Selena Gomez. Videos of Justin and Hailey that are easily explained, or some would shrug off, are thus heavily dissected as fans obsesses over their marriage.
It’s no surprise then that many will use Hailey’s comments to confirm their suspicions about their relationship, or add to the narrative that their relationship is ‘toxic’. But for all we know, it may well be or it may well not. As usual, we are just bystanders witnessing what they choose to share, much of which is presented without context.
Ultimately, what’s worth focusing on here is the conversation Hailey is raising about being in a relationship where one partner suffers from bouts of severe mental illness. So rarely do we get to understand the partner’s perspective, how their emotional wellbeing is impacted and what’s expected of them in aiding their partner at their most ill moments.
Hailey herself has been open about suffering from an anxiety disorder, she clearly understands the hold mental illness can have on you. But of course, anxiety and depression are two very different disorders – and even if you and your partner had the same illness, triggers and symptoms vary from person to person, as well as what treatments may or may not work. It’s a deeply personal journey, as is Hailey and Justin’s relationship, but it’s also what makes the typical highs and lows of dating so much more confusing.
When you’re dating someone who is mentally ill, behaviours we might normally regard as toxic can easily be dismissed as a symptom of mental illness – not making as much effort as one would hope, unexplained absences or even full-on ghosting are just a few to note. We forgive more out of empathy, but in doing that we can often impede on our own boundaries or needs. I’ve done it myself, ignoring actions I would typically consider red flags because, as someone who also experiences mental illness, I know how complicated it is to live in a brain you can’t trust to put your best interests first.
It’s a delicate balance of understanding what you can expect of your partner, where you need to be patient or empathetic, and where your hard-line boundaries end in prioritising your own life. When your both mentally ill then, as Hailey and Justin have said they are, that balance is even trickier.
For some, Hailey saying ‘I was going to stick it out no matter what the outcome was going to be’ is a red flag. Her mother validating that, even more so. But it’s often how people feel in relationships like hers, and it’s a conversation we should have more. How do we differentiate between toxic behaviour and symptoms of mental illness with empathy? How do approach this conversation with our partners? And most importantly, when you’re at a point where you feel you really can’t do it anymore, as Hailey was, when is it appropriate to leave someone who is themselves struggling?
Rather than focusing on what Hailey’s comments say about her relationship, we should be asking all of these questions of our own love lives. Her experience is far from unique, but hopefully her opening up about it will aide us all in figuring out the answers.
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