In Defence Of Sex On A First Date

According to a new poll by dating app Happn: sex on the first date is no longer a popular thing to do. The results showed that the average Londoner (yes - London! where we talk about vibrators more than car tax) now waits an average of ten dates to have sex.

Of course: there's nothing wrong with that. It's entirely up to you when, how, and with who you choose to have sex. There's no more progress in bashing waiting for sex then there is in lambasting a women for rumpling the bedsheets after a first drink.

But the findings also reflected that we're returning to a more 'traditional' model of dating. Despite it being 2019 and Lizzo being in existence - men are more likely to say 'I love you' first, nearly half would insist on paying the bill and two thirds prefer to take the lead. As a woman who's had her fair share of sex after a first date, I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

My relationship with my last boyfriend began in the most unconventional of ways: I had sex with him at a family wedding.

I also said 'I love you' first - drunk and through mouthfuls of pasta dripping down my chin, and I got objectionably drunk on our second date. If you buy into the rhetoric of modern dating all of those things are a one-way high road to discounting my feminine worth.

Yet I would say that all of my relationships (with the exception of one) have begun in this manner. Not necessarily clandestinely in the spare room of a Spanish villa, fascinator discarded on the floor - but with what I thought wasn't anything more than a bit of harmless fun.

I was raised to believe that quite the opposite is true. That respect, loyalty and commitment can never naturally follow a one night stand. The 'third date rule'. Like so many women I know, I subscribed to the advice of dating guru's whose emails landed in my inbox with subject lines like 'HERE's how to make him think of you as more than a one night stand' and 'Has he gone cold? Try these magic three words'.

Yes, as a feminist I am hideously embarrassed to admit that I bought into to this patronising and exploitative school of thought. It makes me cringe beyond belief to think that I have honestly sat in front of YouTube videos that covertly persuade you into thinking you are one cool text, one perfect date (rules: don't drink too much, don't talk about Brexit, don't discuss the female sex party you wrote an article about) away from getting it 'right'.

But - as is the case with so many of us - my slide towards thirty has coincided with an entirely more relaxed attitude to first date sex. Logical thought applied (and not the sloppy efforts of someone on the internet trying to sell you a texting guide or a series about single women living in a metropolis): if a man or woman does a disappearing act because you had sex on a first date - chances are that they're not your potential soulmate. Some clever manipulation and text trickery is never going to magically transform them. More to the point, why would you want it to?

As for the people who are judgemental of women who have sex on a first date? Well: they're probably the same kind of sexist ogres who admonish women for 'thirsting' on Instagramand have easily threatened self-esteem. Thank u, next.

Sex is a fun, liberating, amusing and healthy thing to do. But it took me a long time to see it that way because I was raised as a 'nice girl': a horrible label to try and live up to which taxes your self esteem every time you have sex or dare to get annoyed with a boyfriend, or admit you watch porn.

But your entitlement to self respect, fair treatment and respect in a relationship very rarely has anything to do with at what stage in a courtship you choose to sleep with the other person. So while it's totally ok to wait until whatever date you're comfortable with to have sex, let's not forget that it's also totally fine to do it on a first date.