How To Get Laid At A Wedding

Don't book yourself into that quaint B&B in the next village, head for the Travelodge. And never, ever arrange to share a room with a mate. Illustration by Frances Sousa


by Madeleine Knight |
Published on

Wedding season is upon us. And if you’re a self-respecting citizen of our generation you’ll know, if not from your own experience, from the reliable source of Wedding Crashers, that this is THE place to pick up. Everyone loved up, thinking about how beautiful and spiritual the union of man and woman truly is. Gallons of alcohol, new people of a similar age, a dance floor... the ground couldn’t be more fertile for fornication if it were slathered in baby oil.

Tips aren’t really necessary, given the environment, but here are some pointers to absolutely nail your nailing, anyway**...**


Your outfit must be sexy enough to say you’re single but demure enough to chat to granny without flashing her a nipple. Choose one statement article of clothing that will set you apart from the crowd, such as an oversized hat (think Andie McDowell in Four Weddings).

Always wear stockings and suspenders. These will get you in the appropriate predatory mind frame, plus letting someone ‘accidentally’ glimpse them at the end of the night is classier than saying, ‘My place or yours, sonny jim?’

Also, pack multiple cartons of cigarettes. This will ensure you meet more men as everyone forgets to stock up and and all the non-smokers want one by about 10pm after the free-flowing champers.

**On arrival **

Attach yourself to another attractive single female friend. Don't risk ambiguity of relationship status by hanging out with couples, families or male friends. This might be difficult at first but if you politely explain to said friends that you need to get pummelled tonight, they will either understand or swiftly leave you to it because you've been inappropriate in front of their children. Again.

Lush Ushers

This is a big day for the ushers. They know they look dashing in their morning suits and because they all match, they think they’re in a boyband recruiting groupies. The lads-lads-lads vibe left over from the stag, along with the fact they’ve been drinking solidly for a week, means they’ll be scoping out the ladies from the moment of arrival, placing bets and being obnoxiously forward.

Capitalise on this. It’s easy game. Place your own bets with the other single ladies on who can bang the best man. It’s like shagging a celebrity.

Sit where you’re supposed to

The singles table is the one everyone else wishes they were on. People get raucous, leery and drinking games are initiated – ‘drink whenever the father of the bride stutters or bombs a joke’ gets you plastered.

If you’re sat next to a dud it’s really not the end of the world. Suck it up for the first two courses and rest assured seating will become fluid after mains. At that point you can hop a few seats right to woo Cheekbone Charlie with your sparkling conversation before he falls in love with your boring but beautiful mate.

Do NOT make the mistake my friend Ashley made, of switching the placecards to sit next to Mr Fit. This will only end in awkwardness and stress out the bride who has the seating plan burned into her retinas.

Find babies

When you’ve been chatting to your prey for a reasonable time, secretly signal to a friend with a baby/toddlers to come over. Sticking some strong maternal images in his head is always a winning move. Hang around until someone says, ‘Oh, you look so good with a child in your arms’ or ‘You’re such a natural’.

This will take under five minutes, then you can shimmy on down to the dance floor and have a seemingly family-friendly ballroom dance/grind to suss out what you’re dealing with for the evening.

Catching the bouquet

Don’t do it. Leave it to the poor women who are still sniffing around their boyfriends of nine years with the hope that they’ll still one day propose.

Scrambling around for the bride’s cast-offs may be their last vestige of hope. Bagging their holy grail will guarantee you death stares for the rest of the evening, you’ll fuck up your shoes AND lose your shag-potentials as they’ll assume you’re a marriage desperado like the others. Lose lose all round.

What’s worse, you’ll miss that perfect time to strike up a conversation with the boyfriends of aforementioned women who were obviously never going to propose anyway and might be up for a roll around behind the marquee.

Just kidding! (I’m not kidding.)

**Don’t Get Drunk **

The difference between sexy-mysterious-single-girl-at-wedding and drunk-lush-crying-in-corner-at-wedding is the difference between six glasses of wine and eight. Drink awareness is critical if you wanna go to pound town. Goes without saying.


Pick the most popular venue. Avoid anywhere called ‘Cottage on the Hill’ or ‘B&B on the Cliff”. This is not where the fun, hip, wedding party contingent will be staying. The Travelodge – or similar – is usually a safe bet.

And don’t share a room with a buddy. It may bring the costs down, but it really limits your choices of shag venues. You don’t want to be THOSE guests found romping in a bush.

Expect everyone to know

Wedding gossip is important for all newlyweds to validate the ‘fun rating’ of their wedding. They’ll smoke out everything untoward that went down and make sure everybody knows about it and talks about it for years afterwards.

‘Well, my wedding was a SCREAM!’ says Georgia. ‘There were five separate orgies and someone had sex with my actual husband!’, for example.

Don’t do anything and expect it to remain a secret.

**Liked this? You might also be interested in: **

How Not To Be A Dick At The First Wedding You Go To That Isn’t Your Cousin’s

Every Time A Friend Gets Engaged I’m A Little Disappointed In Them

Calling Bullshit On The Magic Of Bridal Appointments

Follow Madeleine on Twitter @MissMadeleineK

Illustration: Frances Sousa

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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