Four years ago, I contracted genital herpes. I had sex with an acquaintance and he went down on me. He had a beard so I didn’t see that he had a cold sore, but I also didn’t know that cold sores and genital herpes are caused by the same virus. No idea. I think you’re taught that if you use a condom, you’re safe, you can’t catch anything – and that needs to change.
I hadn’t had sex for a year at that point and I was lonely. It was great to be with someone. I went to work feeling great the next morning, but two or three days later, I couldn’t walk. I was in so much pain. I went to a sexual health clinic where the doctor looked at me and said, ‘Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s herpes.’ The virus causes blisters that burst into open, painful sores. She took a swab, which confirmed her diagnosis.
I felt guilt-ridden and disgusting. I thought I’d never have sex again. Some people with herpes rarely have outbreaks, but over those first few months, I was getting one every three weeks and couldn’t cope. Although there’s no cure for herpes, there is a drug to treat the symptoms – some people only need it during an outbreak, but the doctor put me on a daily dose, which I’ve taken for almost four years. But I still get outbreaks occasionally.
I met my partner two years ago. I got an outbreak early in our relationship and realised I’d slept with him three days beforehand, so there was a chance I’d given it to him: it’s contagious from the onset of sores until they’re fully healed. I sat him down, weeping so hard I could barely talk. But he didn’t have it and he said, ‘Even if I did, it would be a problem shared.’ That was ground-breaking: the thing I was most terrified of had happened – and it wasn’t the end of the world. The last time I had sex was a few days ago. We went through a stage when the sex was few and far between because I was having so many outbreaks, but I’ve learned that I can avoid them by being ‘boring’ – drinking less, looking after my general health – and things have improved.
We’ve also found other ways to be sexual besides penetration. Month on month, year on year, it gets better and better. I’m in therapy now and that’s helping too. For a time, I couldn’t bring myself to speak to the man who gave me the virus, but one day I wrote him a letter detailing how it had affected my life. I explained that I spend a lot of money on this drug – it’s like an extra phone bill a month. I’ve lost jobs because of unexplained absences – I didn’t feel I could tell bosses it was because of an outbreak. It also makes sex impossible a lot of the time, then adds pressure to have sex on the days you can, which leads to unenjoyable sex.
Then there’s the fact I probably won't be able to give birth vaginally, because if I were having an outbreak, that could be life-threatening for the baby. I wanted this man to understand the size of this thing, its many ramifications. He replied saying, ‘It’s not my fault. I never knew a cold sore was herpes.’ No one talks about herpes; you only hear it on TV when it’s being joked about. That needs to change. There needs to be more awareness.
Visit nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes for advice
NEXT WEEK: The 29-year-old who’s only had one sexual partner