Since airing back in 2015, Married At First Sight has become a worldwide hit. From dramatic dinner parties to tense reunions, viewers of the show get to sit back and watch firsthand exactly what it takes to say 'I do' to a stranger.
But if there's one thing we love more than watching some love, it's seeing relationship expert Mel Schilling coach our MAFS couples through many ups and a whole of downs.
Ahead of MAFS Australia's return to our screens tonight, we sat down with Mel to chat toxic masculinity, major twists, and whether it's really all about love.
What do you think is the biggest difference between the Australian and UK versions of the show?
I think I’m still in the process of figuring that out myself! When I started the UK version of the show, I came into it with lots of preconceived ideas based on stereotypes of Brits – expecting people to be more reserved, the stiff upper lip stereotype. Of course, that’s just been blown completely out of the water!
I would suggest that UK contributors probably take a little bit longer to get to that point of properly trusting the process. There’s a little bit of a warmup phase, whereas the Aussies put it out in the open as soon as they’re on camera.
What's the most shocking revelation in the new series that you think viewers will be surprised by?
Within the first few seconds of the first episode, you’re going to see something shocking. Something happens at the very first wedding that is unprecedented. It's essentially a game changer for not just that couple, but for the experiment. So yes, you won’t have to wait very long for a shock!
Viewers always love a bit of drama. Who in the cast do you think fans should look out for this year?
In all honesty, there's a number of people this year that will shock and surprise you. It’s a bit like some of our characters last year who we initially thought were the good guys, and they turned out to be not quite so good in their behaviour. There’s some that you really need to watch, because they’ll creep up on you.
The show always brings some twists and turns. Anything viewers can look forward to this season?
There’s something we introduced last year that we’ve supersized this year. I can’t say too much, but it’s a new aspect of the experiment that we’ve taken to the highest degree. It pushes people so far outside their comfort zone that we had one group point blank refuse to do it! It was really beyond people’s levels of comfort.
'My hope is that particularly women watching the shows will recognise behaviours they've seen in the past'
What was the hardest moment for you during filming?
I’d say it was watching the theme of male behaviour. There’s some very toxic male behaviour that you’re going to see. We’re talking about narcissism, gaslighting, toxic deceit, and really quite underhanded, manipulative behaviour to a degree that we haven’t seen before.
I think for an audience watching, it’s going to be quite confronting – but also quite enlightening. My hope is that particularly women watching the show will recognise behaviours they’ve seen in past relationships, or even their present relationships, and find the words to label it so they can make a more informed choice about whether they really want to be in those relationships.
This season, we see an unusual situation where one couple is allowed to leave?
That's right. Traditionally, the rules have said that if one partner says stay and the other says leave, they both must stay for another week to continue to work on the relationship. There is an occasion this year where we ultimately made the decision to allow this couple to leave, despite one voting stay. We had to realise that it’s such an unhealthy situation that we just can’t in good conscience allow them to stay.
I think you’ll probably see this type of rule flexing happening more as the experiment continues to evolve. Behind the scenes, we’re changing things to make sure that not only is the experiment still creating opportunity for relationships to blossom, but also that it’s working from a duty of care perspective.
Talking about duty of care, things seem to get quite heated between the viewers and contestants...
Social media interaction between fans and couples has really escalated over the years! Our contributors have copped quite a backlash, but also a massive fandom. It’s both sides of the coin.
We do need to keep in mind that these are normal people doing a brave thing by putting themselves out there on international television. And I wouldn’t say it’s just dating shows! If someone’s singing on stage or doing a physical challenge in the jungle, that person is showing such courage and vulnerability. I would love to appeal to audiences to have some admiration for these people, because they’re doing something that’s pretty ballsy if you ask me!
If MAFS had been around when you were single, would you have done it?
I don’t think I would have. I wouldn’t have fallen into that category of person who was really committed to finding love. I had one foot in the dating pool and one foot out, so I don’t think I would have taken it seriously enough to step into an experiment like this. I’ll save that for the people who really, really want it.
Strictly, however, I would do in a heartbeat.
Is the purpose of the show marriage, or is it to learn more about yourself?
I have to say it’s the latter. I hear so often from people who’ve been through the process and maybe haven’t ended up with their bride or groom, but they’ve been able to take some of that learning into their future relationships and change those patterns. They draw a bit of a line in the sand and say, “okay, that was my pre-MAFS style of dating, and I do it differently now.” I love hearing that!
But even regardless of dating and relationships, to hear people tell us that going through the process has made them feel more confident or self-aware – that’s invaluable.
How do people not get caught up in the pressure to reach milestones by certain ages, or compare their lives to those around them?
Whether we like it or not, we are in a couple's society. The way our society is structured is biased towards couples. Being the only single person at the party or being shoved onto the kids table at Christmas… I’ve been there and I get it – it’s difficult!
This is one of those scenarios where we can’t control the social expectation, but we can control our reaction to it. You can respond by internalising it and saying 'I’m a failure because I haven’t found my partner yet.’ Or, you can look at it and say ‘yep, there is a social expectation around couples. I’m not in a couple yet, but I’m in the process of creating that for myself.’ That’s two very different mindsets. One’s coming from a place of lack, and the other is coming from a place of abundance.
'Love needs to be based on trust - and trust isn't immediate'
Is there such a thing as an instant spark?
I believe in that instant spark, but not love at first sight. You can have lust at first sight and attraction at first sight, but I believe love is something that grows. It needs to be based on trust, and trust isn't immediate.
I also believe that the spark can come later! Even on MAFS, we've seen where someone turns around at the altar and thinks ‘oh, that’s not what I ordered.’ But then they turn from being disappointed to growing really attracted to this person – to the point where they’re starting to fall in love!
Do you think every couple can benefit from a relationship expert?
I think all couples, and even singles, can benefit. Obviously I’m biased because I am a psychologist and coach, but I think you can always benefit from an external, more objective perspective on the way you do things and how you could improve. At the end of the day, it’s all about growth.
Would you ever consider a relationship expert - or do you think you’d be able to coach yourself?
I absolutely can’t coach myself. [laughs] I would consider getting some expertise, because you can’t be objective about your own relationship when you’re in it!
‘Watch Mel Schilling in Married At First Sight Australia from 6 March, 7:30pm on E4