Nobody wants to be told they’re bad in bed. It’s up there with one of the most searing insults you can sling at someone. But these days there’s one slur that seems to trump them all, a label so hurtful it’s enough to put you in several years of therapy. ‘My ex called me “vanilla”,’ a distressed friend recently confessed. ‘It felt awful. Like I’d failed him sexually and now he was having way better sex and I was just some boring shag from his past.’
It goes without saying that an ex-partner should never offer up unsolicited post-match analysis of your sex life – and if they do, be grateful you’re no longer with them. But there’s a reason why being called vanilla can feel particularly insulting. In today’s hyper-sexualised landscape it seems as if everyone and everything is kinkier than ever.
On popular dating apps such as Feeld and Pure, users are encouraged to list specific fetishes on their profiles, the idea being that you can find someone who enjoys the same things as you. This could range from threesomes and voyeurism to bondage and role play. Then we have zeitgeisty films like Babygirl, where a female CEO (Nicole Kidman) enters into a BDSM relationship with her younger male intern (Harris Dickinson). There was Challengers, Luca Guadagnino’s super-sexy tennis flick that famously featured a three-way kiss. And then there’s Nosferatu, which, when you break it down, is essentially about a young girl getting so turned on by a vampire she can’t function.
The point is that niche sexual practices are officially having a moment. To be clear, this is largely a good thing, sparking more open conversations around sex that are long overdue. But where does it leave those of us who are quite happy with more conventional sex? The kind that doesn’t feature whips and chains or drinking milk from a saucer while your partner calls you a ‘good girl’.
‘Being vanilla in the bedroom is enjoying sexual activity that is mainstream,’ explains Lorraine Grover, a psychosexual nurse spe- cialist. ‘It may involve straightforward foreplay, such as kissing and fondling, that leads to penetrative sex, often using the same sexual positions.’ But the label has acquired negative connotations.
‘People love to criticise anything that’s popular,’ says Kate*, 32, who calls herself vanilla due to a disinterest in kink. ‘It’s just not for me. But I don’t like when people say it’s boring; everyone thinks you’re somehow “better” at sex if you’re doing kinky stuff. But missionary is a classic for a reason.’ Lucy*, 31, agrees that the term has become unnecessarily slanderous. ‘I think some men expect women to behave like porn stars in bed and, if they don’t, they’re vanilla,’ she says. ‘It’s a label a lot of us are afraid of, because it’s ultimately an insult: you want to be thought of as sexy, not dull.’
It’s a damning narrative, one that cultivates a strange exclusivity around sex: if you’re into kink, you’re one of the cool kids. If you’re not, you’re an out-of-touch loser. This doesn’t just create a culture of shame, it also puts pressure on women to do things in bed they aren’t comfortable with. ‘This guy recently spat in my mouth during sex,’ says Lucy. ‘We’d only been on one date and it was the first time we’d slept together. He asked me to do it back to him and I felt like I had to, so I did. But I hated it.’
Being vanilla shouldn’t be a bad thing. Not least because research suggests it’s how most of us actually like to have sex: according to a recent survey of Feeld members, 60% were either looking exclusively for vanilla sex or a mix of vanilla and kink. Preferences may also change over time, depending on our partner and the relationship we have with our body. ‘I was always vanilla and quite closed off to anything kinky until I got into my thirties,’ says Jess*, 31. ‘Now, I feel like I’m much more sexually confident and open to that stuff, whereas before I’d do it to please men.’
Ultimately, there are no right or wrong ways to have sex. What matters is the connection you have with your partner and your capacity to communicate openly and honestly with one another about what you do and don’t want in the bedroom. And if you’re interested in exploring kink, it shouldn’t ever feel like an intimidating club you can’t join.
‘You could mention you’ve seen something that you’d like to try to see how you and your partner feel about the potential experience,’ suggests Grover. ‘Pick a time away from when you are being intimate to explore the type of things that are out there together. I often say to people, “We don’t eat the same dinner every day, we enjoy variety.” And, that can be the same for sex’.
Just be sure that whatever you’re doing in the bedroom, you’re doing on your own terms. Because vanilla or not, your pleasure is paramount. None of us should let societal pressures (or nasty exes) make us think otherwise.
The non-intimidating 2025 sex trends worth trying
Cool it down with warm sex. Forget the hotter the better, ‘warm sex’ is an evolution of ‘outercourse’ – or rather, sex without penetration – and involves a gentle, more mindful approach. The concept was first introduced in Sexological Bodywork therapy, with the focus on emotional connection and slowly exploring pleasure with your partner, rather than racing towards climax. Pro tip? Allow for tea breaks – this is the type of sex that can last hours, so parents might need to call the babysitter, too!
Synchronised breath: Breath work is on trend right now, with fans touting benefits such as improved mood, better sleep – and great sex. Breath work is an essential part of tantric sex, with the benefits ranging from deepening intimacy and connection to emotional relaxation and even prolonged pleasure. An easy way to get started is to focus on breathing deeply through your diaphragm during sex. Take a deep breath through the nose for five counts, then exhale out of the mouth for five. To up the intimacy, synchronising your breath with your partner is a super-hot way to feel connected.
Add in chocolate with a twist. It’s totally normal for our libido to ebb and flow. Sometimes, after a hard day in the office, the last thing we feel like is a romp under the covers. This is where libido chocolates step into the spotlight. There’s a whole host of chocolates on the market containing ingredients that are said to boost arousal, from epimedium to maca root and Siberianginseng. According to Tabs, the company behind one viral sex chocolate, the effects kick in after as 20 minutes after consumption and can last for one to three hours. Easter just got interesting.