There’s nothing like a viral TikTok to get the internet heavily invested. This week, the topic in hand is arguing with your partner – or rather, how much we should all be doing it.
A viral video by user @owennurm has sparked a lively debate online after he explained he broke up with his girlfriend because they were fighting ‘once or twice’ a week which left him ‘mentally drained.’ He went on to explain the relationships that work ‘are the most harmonious’, with ‘two people that are their own individuals coming together,’ adding that his breakup with his girlfriend came down to a ‘compatibility issue’ due to the constant fighting. The video has since amassed 4.3 million views and 185.1k likes.
This TikTok has got us thinking: how much arguing should you be prepared to withstand in your relationship before calling it quits? From late night screaming matches in the kitchen to snipey comments over text, we're all guilty of bickering with our partner every now again. Well, almost all of us. Every friendship group will know that one smug couple who have, supposedly, never argued in their life (in 2022, George Clooney claimed he and wife Amal have 'never' had an argument in the eight years they have been married).
But in our opinion, that’s just not realistic. It’s no secret that disagreements are a natural part of relationships, especially when the blissful honeymoon stage comes to an end. If you find yourself agreeing on everything your partner does or says, then that could also be a bit of a red flag, because you're always going to disagree with someone your spending inordinate amounts of time with.
But then again, arguing every single week does seem excessive and might make you question why you’re even with the person in the first place. People say that relationships take work, but just how much effort should we be putting in?
Let’s look at some numbers. A 2022 US YouGov poll asked people in serious relationships how often they argue, what they argue about and how these arguments transpire. The survey found that 30% said they argue once a week or more, while 28% said they argued once a month or multiple times a month. Meanwhile, 32% said they argue once or multiple times per year and only 3% said they never argue (phew).
Relationship Psychologist, Dr Limor Gottlieb says that it is entirely normal for couples to experience conflict over time, and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an unhealthy relationship. ‘It’s not about avoiding conflict altogether; it's about how you handle it. If you're in a relationship where you never argue, it might sound great, but research shows that these couples who avoid conflict often end up with hidden resentments and emotional distance that can lead to ending the relationship,’ she says, adding that disagreements should be handled with respect, active listening, and validation.
However, although its common, arguing a lot with your partner isn't pleasant and can have a knock on affect on your day to day life. While Dr. Gottlieb agrees that 'tough conversations' are part of relationships, she acknowledges that excessive conflict is ‘detrimental’, and the assertion that arguments equate to ‘greater effort’ is a misunderstanding.
‘It’s about striking a balance. Research suggests a five-to-one positive-to-negative experience ratio as optimal. Beyond this, the focus should shift from the quantity of conflict to the quality of resolution,’ she says. For relationships where weekly arguing has become the norm. Dr Gottlieb recommends encouraging open communication about concerns and developing conflict resolution skills, such as active listening and emotional validation, which ‘are imperative for fostering a positive and enduring relationship.’
Finally, she advises to always talk about the smaller stuff, as this can prevent bigger arguments in the long run. 'Addressing minor grievances promptly can prevent them from escalating into major issues. Proactively engaging in the resolution of disagreements can contribute significantly to the overall health and longevity of your relationship,' she says.