Having worked in the field of couple relationships for nearly 20 years, first as a divorce lawyer and for the last 15 years as a couple therapist, I have heard a lot of arguments. I have also spent a lot of time with couples going back over their arguments, thinking what they were about, and how they might communicate their concerns or frustrations with each other in ways that might be easier to hear.
When it comes to arguments at Christmas, there are plenty of things for couples to have different ideas about. But there is one issue that comes out year after year, as traditional as the decorations themselves, that can cause tension and snappiness and get in the way of peace and goodwill. It’s the one about one person in a relationship feeling overloaded by the invisible load they are carrying. A huge but unseeable Santa sackload of thinking that they are doing about presents that need to materialise, food that needs buying and cooking, and general unseen stuff that needs to happen before everyone arrives.
This issue is one that often slips under the radar because it isn’t easy to quantify but the feelings about it find ways to make themselves known in the everyday stuff. When one person is feeling full to the brim with their to do list (some of which may be hard to quantify) then often the feelings about that spill over the top into resentments about things that seem rather petty.
What tends to happen is that because this load being carried by one partner isn’t that easy to see or quantify, their partner isn’t so aware of it. The person carrying the load and doing the thinking may be so busy and absorbed with it all that they aren’t keeping their partner in the loop with what they are doing. They may also have an unrealistic expectation that their partner will know all the work that they are doing and will acknowledge it.
Examples of invisible work at Christmas time can include: Working out arrangements (especially those that take into account complex family dynamics). Smoothing family relationships; Thinking of present ideas. Planning meals (and then more meals). Shopping around to get good deals. Community contributions. End of term school contributions and activities
Rather than save this argument until Christmas Eve when one half of the couple is in meltdown, it seems to help couples when they can get onto the front foot with each other when it comes to communicating about the build up of work that one or both of them is feeling. They may need to be more honest with themselves too about what they are taking on and what they can realistically manage. As so often is the case, it comes down to communication.
What I suggest is that couples sit down together and take a moment to give their Christmas plans a bit of reflection. Rather than expecting the other to mind-read they might ask each other questions like...
* What is on your mind that needs doing at the moment?
* What is important to you at the moment?
* Who is doing what here?
* How do you each feel about the work you are doing?
* Are you showing enough appreciation to each other for the jobs you are both doing?
Conversations like this not only make sure that important feelings get tended to before resentments build, but they also provide the opportunity for a moment of intimacy (yes – talking about this stuff is intimate!) that can be quite welcome in a crazy month where couples can feel like ships in the night.
I write about the importance of having this kind of conversation in my book Five Arguments All Couples Have. Not just at Christmas but generally because I think that where resentments build in the area of who is doing what they can be extremely corrosive. Where one person is feeling unacknowledged and unseen in the work they are doing then this can lead to deeper feelings of disconnection that can drive couples apart.
Having conversations like this can also lead to deeper feelings becoming a bit clearer and known between the couple. For example, if a couple ask each other what is important to each of them about Christmas, there may be different feelings that emerge that relate to their previous experiences. Perhaps one is really invested in making Christmas perfect – perhaps because they had difficult Christmasses growing up – and the other is not at all interested in Christmas because their mum always got really stressed and it was felt to be a real hassle. Everyone’s experience is personal and unique and when a couple can get more acquainted with what they are each bringing to their ideas about Christmas this enables them to be more attuned to each other. Even if they aren’t able to put each other’s ideas into practice there is a huge value to them both feeling heard by each other about how they are feeling. Christmas I always think is a bit like parenthood – everyone has big ideas about it – and so it’s important to get a reading on where each other’s ideas are coming from.
This exchange of ideas also allows for a more honest approach. What can often happen is that one person ends up with all the blame as in ‘You’re not doing any of the work and I’m cross with you because I’m having a rubbish stressful time’. However, if there is a more open exchange about the situation then it may be possible for both people in the relationship to take a bit of responsibility for the dynamic. Where one person is able to acknowledge that the reason that they are taking on so much work at Christmas and stressing themselves out about it is also because they really care about how it goes (for multiple reasons) then this may make it easier for their partner to understand and be sympathetic to their situation. It may also help them tune into what they take on and what they realise is beyond their capacity.
A good way to start might be to take a moment for self reflection, asking questions such as...
* What is important to you about Christmas?
* How much have you communicated to your partner about the work you think needs doing?
* How much have you acknowledged the work your partner is doing or been curious about it?
* What are your limits – are you taking on more than you can manage and how is this impacting the people around you?
* Are you communicating well enough to enable people to help you if needed?
It’s true that all this reflection and communication is work in itself – in my view some of the essential work of relationships generally. But the intimacy and goodwill it can bring by doing this work together pays off (and may just stand you in good stead for when the in laws do arrive – and that’s another whole other area of tension but that’s one for another day!).
Credit line: Five Arguments All Couples Have and Why the Washing Up Matters by Joanna Harrison is published at £14.99 in hardback, ebook and audio by Souvenir Press.