The ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ Facebook Group Is Vital As A Safe Space For Women

Facebook groups have raised discussions around the need for women's safe spaces

Dating women

by Charlotte Roberts |
Updated on

When it comes to finding romance in the modern world, everyone knows the value of turning to your fellow women to ask for advice, discuss red flags, and question whether you're really the only person on your partner's dating roster.

Which is exactly why the Facebook group ‘Are We Dating the Same Guy?’ was created. Initially launched in New York in 2022, the city-specific groups were intended as a platform to warn other women about possible infidelity, lies, and in some circumstances, dangerous situations. Now, the groups span the globe – with multiple sub-groups for areas across the UK, including London and Glasgow.

The premise is simple. A person will post a snapshot of a man’s dating profile and ask ‘for tea?’. In other situations, usually anonymously and with trigger warnings, a post comes as a warning to women. Members can respond with what they know: gushing first-hand accounts, details on icky first dates, and in some circumstances, the revelation that they too are dating the exact same guy.

The groups host much of the same trials and tribulations that many thousands of singles have posed to their close friends group chat – except this time, it’s aimed at thousands of women in your city.

But while it might appear that members are harmlessly discussing individuals in the relatively private space of a closed Facebook group, the Los Angeles branch recently found itself embroiled in a £2 million legal battle after one man discovered he had been posted on the page.

Young beautiful Chinese woman relaxing lying on the couch at home and texting on smartphone.

It was alleged that the man in question had been ‘rude’ during a phone conversation back in 2022, with a host of women reportedly commented on the post, sharing their own experiences and interactions with the man in question.

After discovering he had been posted, the man accused the group of sex-based discrimination, arguing that he was unable to join the women-only group to defend himself. Alleging that the comments ‘ruined his love life, damaged his reputation, and cost him millions in job opportunities,' the man attempted to sue not only the poster, but the other 50 group members who had also responded with their own claims. A total of nine women were named in the lawsuit, with the rest referred to as ‘Does 1-50.’

Earlier this week, the Superior Court of California in Los Angeles threw out the case against one defendant, ruling that she had done nothing wrong by sharing her own opinions on the group post.

Yet the situation has caused plenty of discussion online regarding whether or not these groups should exist.

Indeed, there's some undeniable faults with spaces such as these. Although a closed group, there’s no way to ensure that posts aren't leaked – either by screenshotting, or people joining the groups under fake accounts. And with one woman's red flag being another woman's green, it's important to remember that, although fostering a sense of sisterhood, the women in these groups are still strangers.

By the very nature of the groups, men are also unable to defend themselves if posted. With awareness of the groups on the rise, rival platforms have emerged. One Facebook group, named 'Are We Dating The Girl?', writes in their bio 'This one's for the men.'

Some may perceive 'Are We Dating The Same Guy?' as nothing more than a chance to gossip - but the intention was never to slander men. And they've also helped women uncover catfishing,ghosters, and potentially avoid harmful situations.

Earlier this month, social media went into overdrive after one woman from Massachusetts, United States, asked the internet to help her track down her 'ghosting' husband. Posting in 'Are We Dating The Same Guy,' she explained that her husband vanished while she was pregnant with their second child. 'He has one baby he hasn't seen in over a year, and one he's never met. He's moved somewhere out of state and changed his phone number,' she explained to the group's members.

'Divorcing someone who's completely unreachable is really tough and drawn out, so I'm trying to track him down to get his signatures on a few papers so I can finally close this chapter and move on with my life,' she shared.

Within 24 hours of the post, the group had tracked him down to an address in Texas.

This woman isn't alone in turning to 'Are We Dating The Same Guy?' for help.

In Dazed, it's been reported that the group have alerted women to a number of potential problems. 'He manipulates you into not wearing a condom and has multiple STIs,” one post reportedly reads, as another says, 'After finding out I was pregnant, he told me he never loved me, he was only using me.'

And now Olivia*, 27, tells Grazia how the London based branch of the group helped her avoid a potentially dangerous first date. Upon scrolling one day, Olivia was shocked to see a man she had matched with on a dating app posted on the page - and even more shocked to see the various women sharing their own experiences.

The poster alleged that Olivia's date had insisted they go for drinks at a specific bar - one she later discovered was picked due to its close proximity to his house. After becoming 'loud and pushy,' labelling her 'boring' for not drinking more, the man became insistent that they return to his house down the street. In the comments were women all echoing similar stories: they went to the bar, felt pressured into drinking more than they felt comfortable with, before the man then became forceful when suggesting they return to his home.

'I did not expect to see him on there in a million years,' Olivia says. 'There'd been nothing he'd said in the week we'd been speaking that raised alarm bells. We'd arranged a date for that Friday, I'd already told all my friends about him. I never saw it coming.'

Upon cross referencing with one of the girls and confirming it was indeed the same bar she had agreed to go to, Olivia cancelled her date - with the man's response confirming it was the right thing to do.

'I made an excuse that I was busy with work just thinking it would drop off, but his response was really angry... just belittling and insulting. Yeah, it wasn't nice for me to read. But I'm glad that I saw that post and was able to cancel that date. It's scary to think I could have been walking into a vulnerable situation like that and had absolutely no idea.'

Particularly with online dating, women take greater risks every day by matching with strangers - and these groups offer safety within a community that insists they have your back.

There’s something in sharing dating experiences that help women feel safer. Although posting on an online forum may not be a flawed tool for women to have to use, we still need it. Perhaps the problem isn't in the fact that women have turned to background-checking their Tinder date with a gaggle of other single women, but that we're dating in a culture where we feel we have to.

*Names have been changed

 Charlotte Roberts is a News and Entertainment Writer for Grazia, writing interviews and features around everything pop culture.

Just so you know, whilst we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website, we never allow this to influence product selections - read why you should trust us