If like the rest of us you’ve been using property porn as a sort of televisual Xanax over the last few months, you will have been quick to dive into Netflix’s latest offering: Million Dollar Beach House. We could have been forgiven for thinking it would be a lot like Netflix’s other property/ constructed-reality hybrid Selling Sunset but, besides the sweeping external shots, hugely expensive, one of a kind Calacatta Gold kitchen worktops and obscenely large walk in wardrobes on display here, Million Dollar Beach House simply does not fill the void.
It follows the almost unfathomably unlikeable and unrelatable team at Nest Seekers International, a real estate agency (which sounds like a bougie bird sanctuary) in the sought after area of the Hamptons on the East Coast of the US, full of frat boys turned realtors and indiscernible women with painful vocal fry.
We’re told how the team, which includes Michael Fulfree, Noel Roberts, Peggy Zabakolas and JB Andreassi, ‘hustle’ from Memorial Day (end of May) to Labor Day (the first Monday in September) to buy and sell multimillion dollar properties for their clients. So far, so Selling Sunset yet Million Dollar Beach House lacks any of the secret ingredients which made the former so compelling, namely: there’s no storyline, there’s no funny characters and...there’s no Christine Quinn’s 5ft chainmail endowed ponytail.
Let's look at why Million Dollar Beach House doesn’t match up to Selling Sunset:
1 The plot goes nowhere: the only drama seems to revolve around the team ganging up on Noel because Peggy doesn’t get on with him. After watching the whole series I still don’t understand why almost every episode seems to revolve around this manipulated drama which feels uncomfortable to watch. Viewers were quick to point out the problematic nature of the microaggressions demonstrated towards Noel, the single Black realtor at the company, by the rest of the cast.
2 There are only so many times that we can hear about the fact Michael’s wife is ‘about to have a baby’. This line is uttered in almost every scene by head honcho Michael, who insists that any office drama must be quickly wrapped up so he can focus on his wife having a baby. He complains of having to buy his wife a 'push present' because while he appreciated that she had carried their baby for almost nine months, he had carried the baby 'in his balls for 30 years.' Conversely, Selling Sunset’s Maya Vander casually drops her pregnancy news in between various office arguments as if she’s ordering a coffee.
3 It’s actually pretty hard to find a group of people who you could watch for six whole episodes yet struggle to remember a single one of their names - MDBH did it though! Meanwhile Selling Sunset’s stars, though admittedly they are now three seasons in, are thriving. Chrishell Stause is set to appear on Dancing With The Stars and Christine is rumoured to be appearing in the next series of I’m A Celeb. I do not need to see Michael Fulfree on a spin off. (Side note, I would actually enjoy more screen time and backstory for Noel and his identical twin brother Joel, with whom he dropped out of high school to play ping pong tournaments.)
4 There’s very little aspirational value. While on Selling Sunset we have Christine stepping off a private jet and organising a $1 million wedding where it snowed inside, Million Dollar Beach House gave us a scene where a Nest Seekers team bonding event involved huddling on a boat during a rain sodden day trip clutching plastic cups of champagne. Or there was the time Michael and his best friend and colleague Jimmy Giugliano go long-boarding through the suburbs in combat trousers to discuss the future of the real estate industry, Sure, the houses are nice, but they’re just not $75million houses that Davina will never sell.
The show hasn’t been confirmed for a second season yet and..we won’t be holding our breath.
READ MORE:
Why Selling Sunset’s Christine Quinn Is A Gift From The Reality TV Gods
Is It Just Us Or Does Everyone On Selling Sunset Dress Like We Did In 2004?