In an uncertain world, it’s a source of constant comfort to know that Made In Chelsea will never change. Whatever the weather, its residents bathe in a constant, filtered warming glow – Amaro of the bank account. No-one here will ever learn to dance, and no-one will be socially hampered by the fact that you can always find them in the club, looking like a person with severe arthritis who has just received some really shocking news. People will drink ground up leaves produced in cafes with names that suggest the cafes are owned and run by strippers and their dogs. And if anyone is ever called out for their shitty behaviour, they are more likely to grow 12 inches in height, overnight, than they are to make any serious attempts to change it.
So it is that Miles was issued with an ultimatum about his terrible apartment-mate qualities, and decided on a course of action. He had an impromptu house party in the early hourse of the morning, and slept with someone in Emily’s bed. The real victim is Sam – because Miles is the subject of most of Habbs’ pillow talk. Miles arrives at his internship with Proudlock, not fit for purpose complaining of an early start at the gym. He’s promptly ratted out by Tristan who arrives and offers to make things work with Habbs. This is followed by the most upsetting thing I’ve ever heard on mainstream TV – Proudlock greeting a different employee with ‘Sup gangster, how’s the website.’ E4 need to warn us before broadcasting such offensive content.
Sophie has decided that she wants a proper storyline, and she’s fed up of being the reality version of a gerbil in a jaunty pirate hat at the end of a harrowing news bulletin, so she’s setting her romantic sights on Fred – who has acquired a puppy, who stays to snack for one scene, and one scene only. (Wither the pets of Chelsea? Are they all in a heartbreaking Harrods returns department?) Sophie struggles to talk to Ryan – ‘How is the engaged? Ment? Life?’ before asking him if he has a plan B, if he gets jilted. Sophie can only go big with her small talk. But Ryan and Louise, who have taken up tennis because they need hobbies now, apparently, are in danger of boring us, and each other, to tears and old episodes of Love Island before they make it down the aisle. Louise already has a good hobby – Sam’s love life. She’s quite concerned that Sam is wooing Habbs as if he’s trying to win Game Of Life – roll a six and get twins! He wants to show her he loves her with either a bonsai tattoo or a key to his house. This suggests Sam is a) ridiculously romantically intense and b) going to be utterly awful at buying Christmas presents.
The real reason for Sam’s misguided ardour is that Tristan is trying to broker a peace deal between Miles, Emily and Habbs. Generous Tristan has invited everyone to his house, and Miles tries to say ‘I’m sorry I’m the worst’ with overcooked spaghetti – which, if anything, should serve to make Habbs and Emily do the right thing by moving out and moving on. No more Dolmio days for them!
If you strip the episode down to Sophie and Fred’s arc, it’s quite sweet – if Richard Curtis directed a coffee advert on a tight schedule, with a full bladder, this might be what we’d get. Fred interrupts Sophie eating pasta, reading Ordinary People by Sally Rooney and wearing a strong ‘Freddie Mercury does loungewear’ jacket. He says he wants to surprise her – and he takes her on a tandem bike ride. Sophie is adorably* (rudely) cautious (dismissive) but wins him over with her kooky charms (*repeatedly reminds him that she’s not like all the other girls, she’s German and she puts out.) By the 35 minute mark, she’s caught feels, and fesses up to Louise, during a long dinner with Chelsea’s Most Sensible Couple. Louise is all for it. Presumably because she’s looking for another couple for the monthly Risk! Tournament she’s looking to host, when she develops her marital hobbies further.
Miles is genuinely surprised that soggy tagliatele did not buy him a stay of execution. Liv impulsively decides that she absolutely has to go to Canada with Habbs and Emily next week, and is weirdly resistant to the idea that Emily might want to stay at home for Harry’s birthday. After a whole ten minutes, she’s worn down and invites Harry along. I’m so curious about how posh people ‘throw’ a group holiday. Does an invitation include flights, hotels and mini bar M&Ms, or is Liv just giving people permission to enter the country while she’s in it? Habbs tells Sam she knows that he was on the brink of doing something metallic or permanent, and Sam tells her that he makes these gestures because he’s extremely insecure. This is the most emotional intelligence that anyone has ever shown in the vicinity outside a nightclub. Perhaps I was wrong, and the people of Chelsea are capable of change. Except James Taylor. He will always and forever be the worst.
Villain of the week
Gotta be Jay Tay, for his admission that he has no interest in shopping, ever considering what other people would like, and he’s so self absorbed that he thinks changing rooms are called ‘waiting rooms’
Hero of the week
I want to award this jointly to Habbs and Melissa for sticking to their guns and showing Miles that bad behaviour has consequences. You are both my heroes.