Throughout my twenties and early thirties, I was in long-term relationships, but now I’m single.I’ve done all the apps: Bumble, Tinder, OK Cupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge. But I’m mostly on Tinder because it seems to be what most people use.
In the morning, I get up and check my email, Instagram and Twitter, then Tinder. I spend at least an hour a day on it – swiping and messaging. I could be messaging five people, but I won’t actually meet all of them. With online dating, women get more matches than men, but you’re not necessarily matching with the type of people you’d be interested in having a relationship with, or even sleeping with casually. It takes a lot of effort. You have to message people, you have to be charming and witty – and it can be exhausting.
I don’t find Tinder empowering in any way. I delete it but then I’ll think, ‘Maybe it’s changed, maybe there’s some amazing person I could meet,’ and I’ll log on again. I’ve been on there for a year or so. I’ve been on about 30 dates, and slept with maybe 15 of those. There’s a myth that if you’re single you’re having sex all the time, which is definitely not true. Sometimes, when you’re feeling horny or lonely, it’s nice to have that contact. But even with casual sex, it still takes work and energy.
I am looking for commitment, but out of the people I’ve met on Tinder, there are probably only three I could have had a relationship with. Having that connection where you think it could turn into something more serious – that’s hard to find. When I have sex with someone and it’s good, I’d like to think we can just date each other casually, even if it’s not going to be serious. It still feels worthwhile if we can have good sex – but often, the men aren’t interested in committing even to that. It confounds me. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s all a game to them.
The last time I had sex was around a month ago. It was with a younger guy I met on Tinder – he was 27. He was sweet, very cute, very charming, very French. We went on a few dates, then, the third time we met, he came over to my house. I made dinner, then we went up to my room and talked and drank wine and slept together. I enjoyed myself and he was good in bed, but we didn’t click as people.
Before we had sex, we’d got into a row after he said that French society isn’t racist or sexist, which I found ridiculous and a big turn-off. But he was there and cute and I just thought, ‘I might as well.’ The next day he texted me a link to Louis CK’s new stand-up and I thought, ‘No. I don’t want to have to explain to you why Louis CK is bad.’ And that was that. I’m going to take a break from Tinder now. I’d really rather meet someone in a bar – but I’m just not sure if people do that any more. I don’t really know how people meet if they don’t meet online. So no doubt I’ll be back on Tinder soon.
Next week: the new mum who struggled to feel sexy again after giving birth