A new mum is asking reddit if She’s The Asshole (AITA?) after her ‘best friend’ reportedly ditched her after having a baby.
Except, that’s not the entire story. OP is mother to ‘a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Ciara’, meaning she’s not such a new mum after all, and the friend in question, Mia, ‘doesn’t have kids [or] want kids but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.’
Right, so. On with the nitty gritty.
‘I’m a SAHM (stay at home mum) and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously,’ explains OP. ‘Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s a walking distance between our houses. I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home) but she rarely does. She keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.’
OP’s latest perceived slight was that, after turning down drinks with mutual friends, and having her offer of ‘a few drinks at mine’ turned down, Mia proceeded to go out with the mutual friends anyway and posted the pictures to social media.
‘I was fuming,’ She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again. I felt rejected and horrible, I thought we were best friends but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.’
After a confrontation where OP ‘shouted’ at her friend, and with the expected apology not forthcoming, OP has turned to the guidance of reddit who’ve almost universally concluded that, yes, she is TA.
‘YTA,’ says the top rated comment. ‘She didn't ditch you. She asked you to go out with her friends as she'd made plans. She's not drinking like she's 20, she's drinking like someone who doesn't have a child.’
Another agreed, ‘You gave birth to a child and decided to become a mother. Your friends are under no obligation to change their wants, needs, or lifestyles to accommodate the choices you make.’
The real kicker for reddit commenters was when OP was seemingly outraged by Mia’s suggestion that she leave Ciara with her husband once in a while so the pair could hang out on their own without a toddler in the mix.
OP wrote, ‘This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle on my marriage.’
One said, ‘I legit thought she was a single mum and was feeling sympathetic until that last-minute mention of a spouse,’ with another agreeing, ‘weird how there’s no mention of partner/coparent until commenting about her friend “meddling in her marriage”…it sounds like her relationship probably has an impact on her strained friendship, too. Maybe that’s why her friend doesn’t want to go to her house.’
While it’s obvious that making social plans isn’t as easy as it once was after having a child, it’s unlikely it’s impossible for OP and her decision not to bother proves that actually it’s her who doesn’t value the friendship.
And as others have pointed out, it certainly sounds like OP is married to someone who confuses ‘babysitting’ with ‘parenting’, if she’s is so reluctant to ask her husband to take responsibility for their child every now and then. Others have pointed out that as a stay at home mum, OP isn’t (like some mums) short of time with her child, and others have been insulted by her insinuation that as Mia works from home, she’s able to just ‘pop over whenever’ and is any less busy than she is.