This month, a controversial Reddit post led social media users to discuss the hot topic of pornography and whether it’s okay to watch it in a relationship. The debate around pornography and whether partners should have any say in masturbation habits is usually black and white - some are all for it, some firmly against it. But porn is a complicated industry, and the ethics of using it for entertainment, whether you’re single or in a relationship - is nuanced.
In this situation, a 27-year-old woman is asking ‘am I the asshole?’ because her partner reacted badly to her sharing her favourite kind of porn to watch.
She shares ‘Somehow we had gotten onto the topic of porn. We have never watched it together and have only had minimal conversations about it. I know that his preferences are what some might consider “vanilla”. My preferences on the other hand tend to stray into the spicier territory. I feel no shame about my relationship with porn or masturbation. I do not conflate my porn preferences with my actual sexual preferences in real life. Sometimes something just turns me on to watch but isn’t an actual fantasy that I want to act out.
I mentioned that I sometimes enjoy watching content that involves multiple partners at the same time, like DP and gang bang. Again, I do not look at the people in these situations and think “Wow I wish that was me!” It just turns me on to watch and I thought I was in a safe space, to be honest.
He got real weird real quick. He wouldn’t even look at me.’ After the boyfriend became ‘distant and silent’ with her, she prompted him to share what was wrong, causing him to ‘blow up’. She continues, writing ‘He said it was insensitive of me to have told him that information because I know how jealous he can be. He said he hasn’t been able to get hard all weekend because every time he closes his eyes he thinks about me getting railed by other dudes. He’s clearly disgusted by me’
Not so long ago, I’d have firmly stated that no person - male or female - had the right to share concern over their partner’s porn habits. But that was before the real impact of pornography became more accessible. In the case of this Reddit user, her boyfriend is displaying controlling behaviour. He claims he is jealous, as though the porn directly opposes him, but she’s inviting him to be a part of that experience, trying to bring the porn into their partnered sex as well as her solo sex. While jealousy is a common response to finding out our partner is attracted to people that aren’t us or acts we don’t do, they are allowed to fantasise and this boyfriend is clearly kink-shaming. What our partners get up to during solo-time is none of our business, as much as we’d like it to be. This woman didn’t need to share her porn habits with her boyfriend at all. To react so harshly is unfair.
However, an interest in porn, generally, is a justified cause for concern for many people right now. A correlation between exposure to pornography and violent behaviourhas been proven with one study showing that 88% of mainstream pornography depicts violence against women. With these frightening stats painting a grim picture of how porn depicts women, it's understandable why some people don’t want their partners watching porn at all.
While I personally haven’t ever asked a partner to stop watching porn, and I still don’t believe it’s anyone’s right to pose that question, I have asked previous partners to consider trading in mainstream photography known for displaying violence and causing all manner of problems and anything celebrating ‘leaked’ content (which is actually revenge porn), for films from independent porn companies using ethical casting, production and marketing.
This is obviously not the boyfriend’s cause for concern in this situation though. He watches pornography himself and was interested in the pornography discussion before she revealed her favourite style of the film. This is a case of shaming and deflecting over internal insecurity, not genuine worry.
This debate pops up on Reddit semi-frequently. Two years ago, a similar post received attention online when a 32-year-old woman shared her upset that her boyfriend was watching porn while they were going through a ‘dry spell’.
She shared ‘We hadn't had sex in almost two weeks. After a mini breakdown from me, I felt a lot better and we fucked three times before he left for this event he had. I fell asleep before he came home and woke up to him sleeping next to me.
I woke up before him, as usual, and when I went to use the TV I saw he had porn left on it from the night before. Normally I have never had an issue with porn. I KNOW he masturbates and honestly, I look at porn, too. But for some reason this made me feel SO shitty. We had already had (what I thought was fulfilling) sex and, yet he needed to come home and jerk off? This just hurts a lot. Should I say something or am I overreacting?’
Most of the Redditors responding feel that her response is an overreaction. One wrote ‘You’re the asshole. If the dude wants to masturbate, let him. It doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with how satisfied he is with you.’ Others disagree, with another user replying ‘Your partner should only have eyes for you. Why aren’t you his masturbation inspiration, instead of porn?’
The latter comment is a belief linked to the common misconception that women must compete with pornography and that our partners are no longer attracted to us if they’re using it. This is, of course, not right. While porn has caused a lot of problems, it’s a huge part of internet culture and at this point, it’s a habit more common than smoking. According to Webroot, 40 million people regularly visit porn sites and 35% of all internet downloads are related to pornography. Though some of our concerns about porn may be just, pornography is ingrained in our culture, and it's difficult for many to let go of.
As the first Reddit poster eloquently replied after her verdict of ‘not the asshole’, ’We all have our insecurities. He needs to work on his, no matter where they stem from, and I will be as supportive as I can on that journey. The best thing I can do as a partner is to help him find himself so we can be our best together.’ Watching porn isn’t necessarily grounds for a break-up. These situations have nuances, depending on the content being consumed and the reason behind it. The best we can do is involve each other in our fantasies, respond without shame, and educate ourselves on the dangers of mainstream pornography and what ethical porn really means.