Olivia Attwood weighs in on some of the most common dilemmas faced by modern women – from kids at weddings to dodgy partners and overfamiliar mothers-in-law. In her final column of the series, the TV personality, podcaster and Bad Boyfriends host offers her advice on what to do when your mother-in-law is a little too close for comfort.
Your mother-in-law always comes round uninvited and it’s clear she’s not there to see you... In fact, she doesn’t seem to like you very much. How do you set boundaries? And how should you raise it with your partner?
This is a really hard one. I had this situation when I lived with my ex-boyfriend. His mum might as well have come in and pissed all over him she was so territorial. It caused a lot of problems I have to say. She had a key for us for emergencies and she’d literally let herself in. One time I was naked, and she just let herself into the flat and was like ‘don’t mind me!’ and I was like, ‘no, I absolutely do mind you!’.
When we moved out and were looking for a new place, we went round to hers and she’d printed off these houses on Right Move and they were all on her road. We said we weren’t looking there, we were looking 20 minutes away, and she cried. At the time I was thinking ‘oh my god, how am I going to navigate this for the rest of my life?’. Luckily, I didn’t have to.
I think for a lot of mothers have a hard time letting go of sons. This relationship wasn’t meant to be and when I gently approached my ex on the subject, I didn’t get any support on it, and he didn’t try to see my point of view. There’s also a lot of emotional manipulation that goes on in families and I think in this case he definitely knew bringing it up with her would be difficult. He didn’t want the drama.
You have to be able to turn to your partner for support on something like that and carefully explain the reasons why it makes you so uncomfortable. Ask them, ‘how would you feel if it was the other way around? How would you feel if my dad turned up here every day?’. Ask them to help set that boundary. If they fail to do so, then I think that’s when you have to take it one step further. Then you might have to speak to her yourself and say, ‘this is where I live and it makes me feel uncomfortable, this is our private space.’
To be honest, if you have a partner who won’t advocate for you when you’re feeling uncomfortable, then it’s not a great sign. And these conversations can be difficult. Brad would do anything not to have a difficult or awkward conversation so he would stick his head in the sand. Luckily, we don’t have that issue with his mum at all.
Brad’s mum is lovely. We’ve never had any issues – on my side anyway! I’ve been very lucky. It can’t always be easy having me as a daughter-in-law and she takes it in her stride.
Back to the dilemma. The first step would be to go to your partner and failing that go to your mother-in-law. It’s going to be pretty awkward. I think you should chat in a neutral location. If she’s in your house, then she might feel like she’s getting turfed out. You could also try a phone call, but you have to make sure you explain carefully how you feel and remain conscious of her feelings and her ego. Explain that it’s not that she’s not welcome, it’s that where you grew up you had a lot of privacy, and your parents were more pulled back and you’re just not used to it. Tell her that you’re trying to build a life with her son and try to appeal to her soft side.
As I said, there’s definitely something with mums and sons. I say this as someone who has a brother. My sister and I always say I swear we got brought up by different parents. The way my mum is with us versus our brother and the way she responds to people we’re seeing. Anyone we brought home she was so easy going and she’s just not like that with my brother. She examines who he’s dating, and she always has an opinion.
Look, I don’t know the psychology behind it but there is just something. There’s a lot of literature to suggest women who are unhappy in their own relationships fill the void with their sons… So, if they are not getting what they need emotionally from their other children or their partner then they try to fill the gap with their son. If you think about people you know who are overly obsessed with their children, they are probably unhappy in their relationship or single. You know I’m right!
It creates an unfair pressure on the child, but also on their partner. I think it’s quite common.
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