Olivia Attwood weighs in on some of the most common dilemmas faced by modern women – from kids at weddings to dodgy partners and overfamiliar mothers-in-law. In her first column of the series, the TV personality, podcaster and Bad Boyfriends host offers her advice on what to do when you hate your friend’s partner.
You and your friends hate your best friend’s partner – he’s the worst. How can you get through to her? Is it ok to tell her? Or him?! And do you still have to follow him on social media?
Okay, so hating someone is a very personal thing, isn’t it? You have to pull yourself away from it and ask yourself why. Is it because he’s not good for her? Is it because he’s actually not a very good person? Or is it because he’s not someone you would choose for yourself or your friend? Sometimes we become so engrossed in our friendships that we forget that our friends are individual people and maybe what they want from life, or what they need from life, is not necessarily what we want and need.
Once you try to separate those things and you still have genuine concerns then I think there’s a way of taking your friend to one side and expressing them. Whether she takes them on board or not is up to her. You have to approach stuff like this really carefully. For me, it should never be in a group situation or a situation where there’s alcohol. If you go for a coffee or talk to them one on one (try to keep it to as few people as possible) and just say why you’re concerned, then that’s fine, as long as you don’t make her feel attacked.
Remember that when you like someone or love someone, your automatic response is going to be to defend them. Don’t put your friend in a situation where they feel a need to get their back up – it’s all about where you do it and how you do it.
If it’s just a personality clash and he’s not your cup of tea, then you have to try to make as much effort as possible. You don’t need to go out of your way to pretend to be friends or to spend any excessive amount of time together, but you have to try.
As for following them back… I barely follow anyone back on social media; you don’t have to follow anyone. I wouldn’t sweat about that at all. I find it weird when people get hung up about who follows them on social media. I have loads of people I know really well who I don’t actually follow because I like to try to keep my feed as quiet as possible. Otherwise, I’m worried I’ll miss my close friends’ content.
When it comes to inviting them to your birthday and things like that, I think if you’re inviting people as couples and she’s your friend then you should invite her boyfriend, or she’ll feel isolated. But if it’s a situation where you’re not inviting everyone’s partners then no, you don’t have to invite him.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation myself, and it’s complicated.
I have a best friend Charlotte who I’ve known since primary school, and she’s known every boyfriend I’ve ever had. And I’ve had a couple of boyfriends who she hasn’t really liked but there’s one who she really hated. She made it clear quite a few times and we got through it, but at the time I’d say it did affect our friendship because I didn’t want to hear it. I mean, he was awful, a complete rat bag, but when you’re in it, you don’t want to hear it. It’s almost like when someone says something that’s true, and you know it’s true, it’s harder to take it.
In the end, she got frustrated with me because I was always coming to her with the same problems, but being the good friend that she is, she never made me feel like I couldn’t talk to her again and again and again. Even if she felt she was banging her head against a brick wall.
I’ve felt it with her too. She had a boyfriend who wasn’t nasty or anything, but I just knew he wasn’t for her. I knew that it wouldn’t last but I kept tight lipped on it because he wasn’t a bad person I just thought he was kind of lame. So when they broke up I was like ‘I knew he wasn’t your person’ and she was like, ‘oh my god, shut up, are you joking?’ Then we talked about it and it was fine, but in the moment he was a bit of a rebound and I knew that she needed that at the time so I didn’t think it was my place to say anything. That just wouldn’t have been helpful.
Those are just my personal opinions. If the relationship isn’t doing your friend any harm, why piss on their parade? But if you have serious concerns, then you should air them carefully, 100%.