Olivia Attwood weighs in on some of the most common dilemmas faced by modern women – from kids at weddings to dodgy partners and overfamiliar mothers-in-law. In her third column of the series, the TV personality, podcaster and Bad Boyfriends host offers her advice on what to do when the guy you’ve been dating wants to go 50/50 on everything.
You’ve been dating a guy for a couple of weeks, and he expects you to go 50/50 on everything. Is it fair to be annoyed? Or what about when bigger things pop up, like a weekend away?
Okay, so I’m going to really shock people with this one and say no. This is where you have to be really careful when you start dating someone and make sure your values are aligned.
If you have this idea in your mind that the man you’re going to date is going to pay for everything, then why are you three or four weeks into dating someone who wants to go 50/50 and suddenly getting annoyed about it?
People have to be more upfront in dating. That doesn’t mean meeting a man and saying, ‘you have to pay for everything,’ but people are perfectly entitled to live life however they want to live it and if he wants to split the bill with his partner on everything then those are his values. That’s the way he lives his life.
You have to have an honest conversation and say it doesn’t make you feel special, or you don’t think it’s romantic. Then they’re going to say they don’t really care and that’s the example they had growing up. It just means you’re probably not a match as life partners.
Everyone wants to act like a so-called ‘pick me’ in the beginning stages of dating and pretend you’re cool with everything, but if that’s not actually how you feel then you need to establish that quite early on. Otherwise, how is it his fault? How was he to know that it’s a problem? As far as he’s aware, this is how you’re happy to operate.
I’d suggest bringing it up after a few dates. For me personally (and I will die on this hill), I would never go on a second date with someone who asked me to split the bill on the first date. Men have patriarchy, they have higher wages than us, they have loads of things, the least they can f*cking do is buy the first dinner. And that’s just my opinion.
That’s my romantic, old-fashioned side. After the first date, I would always offer to split or to treat. Then you start to get into a rhythm. With Brad and I at the beginning, maybe he’d buy dinner and then I’d get a cab somewhere. Even if it’s a small amount of money it’s good to put your hand in your pocket and not take the piss. It shows you’re not just there for a free evening out, but it lets them make the romantic gesture.
Some people don’t get a kick out of chivalry and all that, which is also fine. It’s a subjective thing. For me, I’m getting my nails done, I’m getting a spray tan, I’m getting a wax. They’re putting a t-shirt on and walking out the door.
Then again, if it’s just drinks I don’t think it matters because it’s easier to take it in turns. But if it’s one nice dinner, and they’ve asked you on the date, then I definitely think the man should pay.
It gets complicated once you’re married and you’ve got two different incomes. Brad and I have had different points in our lives where one is paying more than the other and it goes up and down. I think when you get into a serious relationship, that’s what you are signing up for. Now we’re married we see our money as one pot. Brad and I are both in quite unpredictable careers, so even more so for us, if I’m doing really well at one particular time then I’ll pay for a holiday or vice versa.
When you’re looking for a partner for life, you need to talk about whether they are someone who wants a nice home and a nice car, but not to go on many holidays. Or if they don’t want to eat out very often. Or if they would rather live somewhere smaller and travel more. You need to have the same idea of what you want to do with your money. Once you do, there’s less push and pull, because you’re just on the same page.
If you’re still on dating terms, you should try to work out as quickly as possible whether they have the same outlook on things as you. Maybe not on the first or second date, but you don’t want to end up with someone who has a completely different vision for their future to you. It’s not going to work, is it?
When it comes to bigger things down the line, I think it’s a case-by-case situation. I had this conversation with a friend the other day. This guy had said he wanted to take her to Dubai for the weekend and he booked everything and sent her the details. Then he texted her half the bill.
He’s the one that used the word ‘take’, but he’s not ‘taking’ her anywhere. He’s just offered for them to go on a holiday together. If someone suggests a trip, then that’s on them to treat you and finance it. Then you can buy some dinners when you’re out there.
On that note, I think if someone invites you to a wedding, it’s on them to finance you as their date. I’m not going to pay to go to Italy for your boss’s wedding.
We get hung up on the embarrassment of these things, but if someone has told you they’re taking you somewhere and hasn’t involved you in the planning or asked you where you want to go, then asked you to pay for it, I think that’s wild.
You hear more and more of these stories! These men. The audacity is not in short supply.
Want more advice from me? Listen to my podcast So Wrong It's Right.