‘I Dreaded Lockdown With My Kids And Can’t Wait For It To End’: It’s Time To Stop Guilting Mums Who Don’t Enjoy Motherhood Right Now

‘I’ve found parenting in lockdown really hard,’ says Jules, 38, from Bristol. ‘I feel quite guilty even saying that because I’ve got it quite easy in comparison to other people. I’m not working at the moment so I don’t have the stress of work but I’ve still found it incredibly challenging and I do want it to end as soon as possible.’

Jules is a mum of two, a three-year old son and six-year-old daughter, living in a two-bedroom house with her husband in Bristol. Her part-time job has a fitness instructor has been taken over by full-time motherhood, and despite a recent Mumsnet survey finding ‘most families have enjoyed lockdown’, she’s not afraid to say how challenging she’s found it.

‘You do typically want to spend more time with your children but this is just so full-on, it’s relentless,’ Jules explains. ‘It’s not like you can ask anyone else to look after them. My three year old has just gone back to nursery two days a week and it’s been really nice. I wanted him to go back as soon as possible.’

Despite Mumsnet leading with the idea that families are sitting pretty in lockdown, their research shows a lot of parents feel just like Jules. According to their research, while 80% of parents have enjoyed the additional time spent with their children, 55% have found it stressful and 30% admit it’s put a strain on their family relationships.

Another survey, carried out by pregnancy charity Tommy’s, found more than half of mums in the UK say Covid-19 has had a negative impact on their mental health. Despite that, 67% are not seeking help, leading Tommy’s to start their ‘keep calm and call’ campaign hoping to rid the parenting community of guilt and stiff-upper lip mentalities.

Jules feels this guilt herself, because not only does she feel she’s got it easier than other mums, she doesn’t like admitting the increased time with her children is actually very hard. But that’s just the truth of that matter.

‘It’s the arguments and pent-up frustration that’s the hardest,’ she explains. ‘Everyone is arguing more and when things aren’t going well you just feel like you’re not being the parent you want to be, you’ve turned into something you don’t want to and you’ve got no control over it whatsoever.’

And despite wishing for more time with her kids pre-lockdown, the idea of 24/7 has been overwhelming ever since it was announced. ‘I was absolutely dreading it from the start,’ says Jules. ‘If I’d of known how long it was going to go on I don’t know how I would’ve coped at the beginning, just the thought of it would have been too much.

‘It was definitely harder in the first six weeks, it’s become more normal now,’ she continues. ‘Every time we saw one of the kids' friends on our daily walk and we could talk from a distance I just wanted to cry. I felt so sad for them not being able to see them. I don’t have that urge to burst into tears now but I think for that first month I was just frustrated and my PMT was at an all-time high. I just couldn’t really cope very well. I’m coping now but not in the way I want to. I’m not being the person that I want to be.’

It was also the fact that Jules couldn’t see her family, she explains, with them living so far away. ‘I’ve just had to not see any of them since March,’ she says. ‘My husband has family round here and he still sees them socially distancing, but they’re not my family. I just want to see my mum and dad and sister and brother, so I get a bit jealous because he’s got that and I don’t.’

While Jules' husband is at home, he spends most of his time working out of their second bedroom. ‘It’s a small house and he needs quiet upstairs so we’re restricted to just being outside,’ she says. ‘Thankfully we’ve got a garden and it’s been really nice with the good weather, but even that’s a struggle because they are noisy and you can’t blame them for that. My husband does help out at weekends, he might take them down the park and give me some time on my own.’

It’s time Jules desperately needs, and something she relishes in when she gets to do her online fitness classes. Although, even then she says ‘the kids are hanging around me and won’t leave me alone’, but she powers through, ‘because it’s important to find some sort of normality’.

And despite the frustrations, she has found solace in how her children have grown closer during lockdown. ‘Actually, being with the children is really nice when it's going well and when they’re getting on,’ she says. ‘I’ve got to see their relationship grow stronger than it was because they had to become better friends.’

Her relationship with her husband has improved too, she says. ‘My husband was working so many hours in his office and we didn’t see so much of him,’ Jules explains. ‘He was always tired from travelling and the monotony of going in and out and then he’d go off to the gym after work so we wouldn’t see him for ages. Now he’s got to be home-based and is working and exercising at home, we’re seeing more of him and he’s not so tired so actually. Even though there’s always low level arguments in every relationship, the arguments aren’t as often as they were so that’s been good.’

But now, all Jules is hoping for is some ease in restrictions so she can visit grandparents and have some much-needed family time. Hopefully then, as life returns more to normal, she can find more time for herself and be rid of the guilt that comes with being a parent in lockdown.

‘Most people I’ve seen around have been quite honest which has helped, so you feel like you’re not alone,’ she adds. ‘I haven’t met anyone that’s pretending they're keeping it together when it’s actually really hard. Generally whatever you're feeling someone else is feeling the same.’

And of course, that’s why it’s so important not just to hear stories like Jules but also to share your own. There’s enough mum-guilt just around what baby books to buy, never mind going through a global pandemic that forces a 24/7 quarantine with young children. It’s time mums everywhere relinquish the guilt, stop the judgement and start sharing.

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