‘I was with my ex-boyfriend long distance for three years, I would stay at his home all the time and became really close to his mum,’ says Urszula Makowska, an actor and influencer from New York City. ‘She was always taking care of me, giving me advice, it felt like she was a second-mum to me for years, then when we broke up it was like she hated me.’
When Urszula ended an emotionally abusive relationship with her ex, she never expected to also have to go through a break-up with his mother, Angela*. Over the years that she dated her son, they had developed a mother-daughter relationship, something she’s reminded of on weekends like this when Mother’s Day comes around.
‘We would always get each other presents for Christmas, birthdays and Mother’s Day - we even got each other chocolates for international Women’s Day,’ she says. ‘I felt like she was a lifelong friend, she knew her son really well so she understood me.’
However, upon breaking-up with her ex, Urszula was quickly ex-communicated from the family. The last time they spoke, she had informed Angela that she was worried for her son before advising her they had broken up. ‘She did not try and contact me after that,’ says Urszula, ‘I ran into her once and she didn't even say “hi”, she just pretended like she didn't know me anymore.’
While Urszula understood that Angela was likely to take her sons side in the break-up, she never realised just how profound losing the relationship would be on her. Feeling like she had to grieve two relationships ending, it became apparent that losing her partners mum was actually the hardest part of her break-up.
‘It's harder to grieve a relationship with someone that's like a second mum, because they feel quite stable,’ she says, ‘and you feel like you have a really strong relationship and you can trust that person. I would cry all the time because of him, she knew it wasn't working out and it wasn't healthy, so her not wanting to talk to me just because me and her son couldn’t be together made our friendship feel really empty.’
‘We naturally create important attachments to our partners family, often discovering a kind of parenting we didn't receive ourselves,’ says counsellor Fiona Wright, ‘If it was a positive, healthy relationship, the loss can feel devastating. We often don't appreciate the magnitude of the bond we've created until it's disrupted.’
This was certainly the case for Urszula, was also left feeling lonely and friendless on her subsequent visits to the UK after focusing on her friendships with her partners family. ‘Me coming from the US, I don't know too many people out in Europe when I go there,’ she says, ‘so now I don't have anyone to turn to and I'm very alone. That was the hardest thing, not having her anymore when I travelled there.’
In fact, Urszula has even found herself holding back from developing close knit relationships with her current partners family for fear of having it end in the same way. ‘I take a while before I introduce my partner to my parents or before I meet their parents,’ she says, ‘I don’t want to end up developing another relationship where when it ends it becomes like you hate each other.’
While it’s understandable that such a loss would cause apprehension for developing future close relationships with in-laws, Fiona says the only way to avoid experiencing a similar loss is through open and honest communication. ‘People are likely to be feeling hurt,’ she says, ‘there will be a sense of loss for everyone involved, it's important to keep talking.’
If you’re interested in talking to a counsellor, visit the Counselling Directory here.
*names have been changed