Like Lily Allen, I’m Bad At ‘Analogue Wanking’

‘Why haven’t you read your book yet? It’s been six months, don’t you want to be able to masturbate? To orgasm with me?’

That was a quote from my ex-boyfriend, Nathan*, who after two years of being together was getting increasingly frustrated that I couldn’t orgasm during sex. And more than that, that I wasn’t proactively doing something about it by reading the book he’d bought me ‘Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming’. But the thing is, I could. I just needed a vibrator to do it.

Like Lily Allen, who recently told Cosmopolitan UK she’s not very good at ‘just wanking with my hands’, I too have always preferred vibrators over the more, as Lily puts it, ‘analogue’ option.

‘I’m not a good analogue wanker,’ she said. ‘It’s the digital or the tech elements that get me off. It's been very difficult for me to become intimate with myself. And yes, sex toys certainly helped kind of break that barrier for me.’

Lily’s admission came as part of her promotion for her new collaboration with Womanizer, releasing her very own ‘clit sucker’ called The Liberty. Detailing the ins and outs of her sex life in various interviews is of course causing much thrill for many intrigued by her love life. But for me, who has always felt slightly at odds with just how shit I am at wanking, her openness about also preferring vibrators is actually quite important.

Because, as evidenced by my ex-boyfriend's urgency to have me learn analogue wanking to completion (I knew what to do, in the main, it just didn’t really DO anything for me), being reliant on a vibrator to orgasm comes with stigma in partnered sex, and thus in your own sexual pleasure.

I received my first vibrator as a gag Christmas gift from a flatmate at university. Up until that point, I’d only tried to masturbate a handful of times and found zero pleasure in using my hands…or the shower head. I wasn’t a horny teenager, I didn’t particularly care about becoming sexuality active save for the pressure to appear ‘normal’, and I was far too scared of my naked body and what men would say about it to become involved in a sexual relationship with the boys at my school. I was also a closeted bisexual, so there’s that.

Then, I went to university and quickly became involved with said ex-boyfriend, whom I was with when I received the gift as part of our flat's first Secret Santa. Quite frankly, I was mortified. I laughed and joked about how great a gift it was, but inside I resolved never to use it. Not just because I clearly (looking back) had some sort of internalised shame surrounding masturbation, but because now I was becoming sexually active with my partner, it felt like something I should only do with him involved.

Six years on, and coming from someone that literally never stops talking about wanking, this concept feels not just foreign to me, but ludicrous. I started to learn that one a random summer day at home in Liverpool, when I decided out of sheer boredom to try the vibrator. Me and my ex had been having all kinds of sex for six months at this point, and while I enjoyed the intimacy of it all, I wasn’t climaxing and I didn’t understand why. On that random day in my teenage bedroom, 250 miles from my Essex-born boyfriend, I realised. I had my first orgasm with the clit-stimulating vibrator – in fact, I’m pretty sure I had three - and everything became clear. There was nothing wrong with me, I just needed some technological help. IT support, if you will.

Click through for the best vibrators and sex toys for women...

From then on, I was hooked. I probably used the vibrator around three times a day that summer, but as soon as I returned to university and regular sex with my boyfriend, it became my biggest shame. I had told him I could now orgasm with the vibrator, there was no longer anything physically or mentally stopping me from outright orgasming. But to him, that just made him more determined than ever to make me orgasm without it. And when he couldn’t – because I couldn’t, so why would he be able to? - he hated himself, and my vibrator, even more.

I don't blame him, really, you rarely see vibrators used during partnered sex in TV, film, or even mainstream porn. For a young person who has never learned about masturbation in school (In the UK, 9 out of 10 people did not learn about female or male masturbation, according to Womanizer's research), our knowledge of how to have sex and orgasm mostly comes from popular culture. So when you barely see any clitoral stimulation at all on screen, and yet somehow the woman involved is usually having a screaming-orgasm, I can bet we weren't the only young couple having this problem.

Alas, the pressure to orgasm during partnered sex mounted the longer this problem went on, and my vibrator became enemy number one. Using it when we had sex felt ‘lazy’, or so he said, like we weren’t trying hard enough to make me orgasm without it. Using it alone then, felt even more taboo, like I was cheating on him with the thing he loathed most. I read online that vibrators desensitise your clit, and I began to blame my own obsession with my vibrator as the reason our sex life has so many problems. Of course, the idea that vibrators desensitize your clit is a myth, according to Johanna Rief, Head of Sexual Empowerment at Womanizer. ‘Healthy nerve endings don’t ever change how they react to a certain stimulus no matter how often this stimulus occurs or is applied,’ she explains.

By some cruel – or hilarious – twist of fate, I did eventually learn how to make myself orgasm with my hands, about a month after we broke up a year later. I call it fate, a therapist might say otherwise.

But even to this day, I still prefer using a vibrator over my hands. It’s more efficient, less effort and has a 100% success rate. I’m working smarter, not harder… right? Either that, or my pained history with analogue masturbating makes for a more mentally tiresome experience. Do I still have some internalised shame around it? Perhaps.

But there’s shame that comes with being so reliant on vibrators too. Because, while my ex-boyfriend was young and immature when he felt so threatened by my vibrator, he’s not the only man to flinch when I suggest bringing it into partnered sex.

‘I think this feeling results from old presumptions that sex toys replace the respective partner,’ says Johanna. ‘It can also bring up fears of not being “enough” or “good enough in bed” for their partner – for both women and men.

‘But this feeling is unfounded,’ she continues. ‘For one, masturbation and sex with another person are two completely different things. Second, there exist a wide range of sex toys that can be used during intercourse and which can enhance the experience for all partners. Third, sex toys are not meant to replace anyone but can be a fun addition to everyone’s sex lives.’

And while there are plenty of men who agree, something I’ve learned comes with age and experience, it still takes a certain confidence to bring a vibrator into a sex with a partner. ‘I always want to use my clit sucker during sex,’ says Yasmin*, 30. ‘But sometimes you can just tell the guy you’re with will be put off. I think it taps into slut-shaming, women are so shamed when they embrace their sexuality in any way that bringing a vibrator or any sex toy into bed – especially a casual relationship – comes with that fear of being labelled a “slut”. Men say they want a “freak in the sheets”, but slut-shaming of our sexual exploits says otherwise, so even something as unfreaky as just wanting to orgasm with a vibrator can feel scary.’

It’s comments like Lily Allen’s then that make talking about sex toys more than just a salacious gossip about someone’s sex life but an integral conversation. According to Womanizer, eight out of 10 women prefer using a sex toy when masturbating. At the same time, sexual health company FPA has found that 80% of women do not orgasm through penetration alone and 72% report difficulty in achieving a simultaneous orgasm with their partners.

So, if 80% of us prefer using sex toys when we climax alone, the answer is simple. Bring them into your partnered sex too. As Lily says, it shouldn’t be taboo to bring vibrators into your sex life in all aspects, partner or not. If I’d of learned that sooner, I’d probably be 1000 orgasms up right now and THAT is the saddest conclusion of all.

Read More:

Apparently, Masturbation Is The Ultimate Self Care Activity For Most Brits... But We’re All Still Lying About It

Penetrative Sex Is Actually A Scam - Let Me Explain Why

Why Is Female Masturbation On TV Still The Biggest Taboo?