The Last Time I Had Sex: The Woman With A Terminal Illness Who’s Having An Affair

Zoe, 40, from Leeds works for an airline...

I was first diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 35. I had been married for five years and had three young children. The treatment put a huge amount of strain on my relationships – with friends, family and particularly my husband. Day-to-day existence with cancer is incredibly stressful and painful and I was subsumed by it. I forgot who I was; cancer became my full-time job.

In the process, I went a little crazy. I was looking death in the face – and that can impact people in two different ways: you can decide that you want to be a very good cancer patient who cherishes everything in their life, or you can do what I did, which is become very self-destructive. I didn’t care any more. I thought, ‘You know what, if I’m going to die soon, I want to do all the things that I want to do because really what’s the worst that can happen?’ I was in that place when I met someone else, a younger guy, randomly at a party.

Since then, I’ve been seeing him off and on for a couple of years. We never talk about my illness. When I’m with him, I’m able to forget what’s going on with me. It feels like being in my twenties again. It feels like I can have fun. My cancer has now spread to my bones and my liver – if I make it to Christmas, I’ll be lucky. I’m very angry and very sad. My children and husband are struggling to cope. The reason I’m having an affair is that it’s a complete break from my everyday life. With him, I feel able to forget about my body and the medical treatments. He never asks me about my body, he never makes comments about my body. He’s never made me feel anything except extremely attractive. That’s a gift to me. I know that the affair won’t become a proper relationship; I know that would be a disaster, that’s not what this is.

My husband doesn’t know and he doesn’t suspect. I’ll never tell him because that would change how he views me, and that would make it too difficult, as we are both aware that I’m coming towards the end. The affair doesn’t have any bearing on our relationship; it’s more like a release valve for me. My husband still adores me and wants to be with me, and the last time I had sex was with him. We have sex once a fortnight at the moment – I’m quite proud that we manage that with everything that is on our plate. It’s been quite a while since I saw the man I’m having an affair with – I’m worried that the next time I see him will be the last time. That’s a weird feeling.

I’m worried, too, that people would judge me for what I’m doing – but what I’ve learned from having a terminal illness is that you have to be selfish. I don’t have time, so I have to go out and get what I want out of life – even in this last little bit. That’s led me to do something that I know lots of people will think is wrong. But I don’t think I’ve hurt anyone.

If you’d like to tell us about your last time – be it funny, uplifting, surprising or mundane – contact us at thelasttime@graziamagazine.co.uk