When I was 18, I received an essay-long direct message on Facebook from a man I’d had not one conversation with. It was the guy my older sister had been dating on and off for four years, and he wanted to apologise to me for the way his toxicity had fractured our sisterly bond. I scrolled through, scoffed, and ignored it. The damage had already been done.
Eight years on, that damage has done more for our relationship than I could have known then. Two more serious relationships between us and countless experiences with toxic people, my sister and I learned the hard way that actually, emotionally uninvesting from each-others love lives was the only way to maintain a healthy dynamic.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot watching this season of Made in Chelsea. Two of the shows main characters, Olivia Bentley and Tristan Phipps, are in a relationship none of their close friends seem to believe will work out – and they’re not shy about telling them so.
Five episodes worth of arguments later and said friends only just learning that actually, their opinions are largely irrelevant in the face of oxytocin and trauma-bonding (we can all agree relationships started during a pandemic are the epitome of that, right?). If anything, the conflict has only made Olivia and Tristan cling to each other harder.
That's the exact position I'm in with my sister - yet again. But this time, bar a few drunken slip-ups, we’ve managed to maintain a healthy bond despite the endless cycle of break-ups and make-ups that often leave the emotional sounding board (in this case, me) exhausted.
Why is it so exhausting being the friend or sibling of someone in a shitty relationship? Well, ultimately, it’s because you care too much. When someone you love is involved with someone that’s not treating them right, it’s just as painful for everyone around them. Most of the time, you don’t get to see the positive qualities that keep our friend drawn in, just the heartache, toxicity and red flags.
So you listen as they rant, you give your advice, watch them take it all in eager-eyed, agreeing with every word as you hope and pray that those wide eyes mean they really get it. Then a day later, you receive the dreaded text: ‘We worked it out, all good now!’ And so the cycle continues. Eventually, giving futile advice again and again breeds resentment. ‘What’s the point?’ we wonder. ‘They’re just going to forgive them anyway.’
Months turn into years and soon enough, that resentment becomes dangerous. You start sniping about their relationship randomly, passive aggression your new love language. Resentment can so easily breed contempt, and friendships often crack when such a big part of life creates tension. You might even take talking about partners or love lives off the table altogether, at least that’s the mistake I made at first.
With said essay-long Facebook messenger, (Mark with a 'c’…yes I see your eye roll from here) years of hearing about his mistreatment of her had made me loathe him. But what’s worse, it had also changed the way I viewed my sister for staying with him. I didn’t understand then how narcissists work, how anyone can fall foul to manipulation and how easily toxic relationships can become dangerous. As a classic younger sister, I didn't hide my lack of respect for her taking him back, and eventually she stopped opening up to me about him.
It was a year before she rang me crying, explaining the latest of their arguments, and one thing she said changed my entire mindset: ‘I don’t have anyone left to talk to about this.’
By allowing myself to become so resentful of her romantic choices, I had failed her.
I realised that by allowing myself to become so resentful and angry about her romantic choices, I’d failed her. I was meant to be her best friend, and I’d left her to deal with a narcissist and manipulator alone purely because I was too emotionally invested in her love life and happiness. Had I just listened, offered support but not invested in the outcome of our conversations, she would never have felt so alone.
Nearly a decade on, after a wealth of experience and understanding of abusive relationships, I realise how lucky I am that she was able to get herself out of that toxic cycle; but also that it’s all you can really hope for. Her new relationship is still littered with red flags, as mine have been, but that experience taught us both that no one escapes a toxic situation until they’re ready to – until they come to the conclusion that it’s ‘toxic’ on their own.
Now I’ve experienced the other side, I can see too how having friends that aren’t emotionally invested in your love life is a necessity. We're all likely to date toxic people at some point or another, but there’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to tell your friends something and keeping it to yourself out of fear of judgement. I’m lucky, in a sense, my friends care enough about me to want to hear it all, but not enough to get pissed off when I self-sabotage.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard either way. There are moments when I want nothing more than to scream at my sister to leave her shitty boyfriend, how incredibly she is, how much more she deserves and how many people are out there that would treat her so much better. But in taking a step back – a breath or two - and reminding myself that nothing is as important as her feeling supported in whatever decision she makes, I can put my own expectations back in place. I can de-centre myself and my feelings, and realise that our relationship will be much better off in the long-term if I prioritise her need to feel supported over my need for her to be happy.
Life coach Rebecca Lockwood agrees. 'When this kind of situation arises, it's important to keep in touch with your friends and remember them not taking your advice is not personal,' she explains. 'It can be hard to give advice and not get touchy or particular, but you can do simple things like tell a story about a TV program you watched recently where something toxic happened in the relationship - the outcome being they noticed it wasn’t healthy and took some action or communicated this to their partner.
'This helps to displace resistance to the listener so they are more likely to take in suggestions and advice, but not see it as coming from you. It may take some time for this to land with them properly but it is a much easier way to help your friend without them thinking you are being judgmental and trying to tell them what to do.'
So ultimately, it’s not actually about caring or loving someone less, it’s about caring for them enough that you give them room to grow. Who would’ve thought Mark with a 'c’ could’ve taught me all that?
If you're worried that someone you love is in an abusive relationship, that’s another story. Please call the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 24 or visit Refuge for more information about the signs of domestic abuse and how to support survivors.
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