Remember those five minutes back in March when there was nothing more fun than seeing your mates’ buffering faces all squeezed on to your iPhone screen as it took 20 minutes to have a conversation that could have been done in two texts? Oh, the heady days of actually enjoying downloading HouseParty, mastering hen dos and birthdays on Microsoft Teams, and spying on your colleagues’ naff wallpaper on Zoom. This will always be fun, we thought. What a great way to stay connected. Fast-forward seven months and we’re sick of the sight of everyone’s (including our own) screen faces and even the merest mention of a virtual quiz can make us consider living off-grid forever.
The bad news is, thanks to Halloween, the screen celebration is back and, whether you’re a chuck-a-bedsheet-on-your-head- and-call-it-a-ghost type, or you’ve redecorated three rooms of your house in anticipation of 31 October, a spooky invite is winging its way to your inbox soon. Choose your fighter...
READ MORE: All The 2020 Halloween Make-up Inspiration You Need RN - From Zoom Face To Spider Eyes
THE SMUG ZOOM-SCAPER
Not a complicated new intimate hair removal device but a term for the person whose background never looks less than perfectly styled. For Halloween you’ve gone for a peek of autumnal-toned dried flowers in your Anissa Kermiche Love Handles vase, a seasonal wreath you made yourself on a super-fun virtual floristry class and a strategically positioned cutely costumed dog/baby/husband.
THE STILL-HASN’T-SORTED-THEIR- WIFI PROCRASTINATOR
Sure, that was understandable at the start of all this. A fun talking point even, with you frozen in a comedy position as your dial-up connection struggled to keep up. IT’S BEEN MORE THAN HALF A YEAR NOW. Upgrade your service. Buy a dongle. Bribe your neighbours’ kids to give you their password. Just put us all out of our misery. See also: the one who still doesn’t understand any of it. No, we can’t hear you. Yes, you’re on mute. Please don’t take us to the bathroom with you...
READ MORE: 21 Of The Greatest 2020-Inspired Halloween Costumes
THE WORK-DO ORGANISER
If you asked us in 2019 if there was a more awkward calendar event than a work Halloween party, we’d have probably said no. Well, 2020 has topped that with the horror that is the virtual work Halloween party. Cue a hastily designed clip-art invite telling you to ‘down tools’ at a generous 5pm for a ‘spooktacular’ evening, and a downright concerning serial killer quiz that the weird bloke in accounts has compiled. If you’re the person in charge, please don’t make attendance mandatory.
THE CAMERA REFUSENIK
Sure, your camera isn’t working. Again. Most commonly practised by your colleague who a) hasn’t bothered getting dressed in three days, or b) has worked out that people will forget they are there, so they won’t have to do anything. When it comes to a party, this is the equivalent of turning up and then sitting in a wardrobe. Don’t do this.
THE WACKY BACKGROUND FAN
You don’t look like you’re in a cool NY coffee house/floating in outer space. You look like you’ve got something suspicious to hide. Just let us see your washing-up pile and food-spattered microwave. We’ve all got them.
‘You’re On Mute: 101 Tips To Add Zip To Your Zoom’by Jo Hoare is out 27 October