Last week, a divisive topic was raised on This Morning. Dr Wednesday Martin suggested that for this festive period, those in monogamous relationships should be gifting each other a 'hall pass'. Essentially, a period of consensual non-monogamy, where you don’t have to worry about getting too drunk at the office Christmas party and getting off with your boss, at least not in regards to your relationship.
According to Dr Martin’s research, women are more likely to experience sexual dissatisfaction in long term relationships, describing female desire as ‘plunging’ after four years of monogamy, while male desire tends to ebb over a longer period of time. With one in five people counteracting that problem by having a secretive affair, Dr Martin suggests that if you’re struggling with dissatisfaction in your relationship, you should communicate that to your partner and explore other options, such as a consensual relationship with someone outside the relationship.
Of course, it's hooked on the festive period, what better a time to have an affair than in December, the month of boozy office parties? However, this research goes beyond just being non-mongamous for a short period of time, it shows that in the long-term, polyamory is just as viable an option for long-term relationship satisfaction as monogamy.
The idea was met with some disquiet, specifically by Vanessa Feltz who was sat next to Dr Martin on the This Morning coach and proclaimed that we shouldn’t be playing fast and loose with the ‘intricacies of a relationship’. Of course, no one is suggesting we play fast and loose. Choosing to move from monogamy to non-monogamy, for a short period or not, is nothing to be careless about, but that’s not what Dr Martin is saying at all.
What she is suggesting is that there are relationship options outside of the classic concept of monogamy. If 20% of us aren’t happy enough to break the trust of a relationship and risk losing that relationship forever, 'isn’t there a more creative way?' she asks.
The counter-argument, according to Vanessa, is romantic relationships should be exclusive. 'It’s supposed to be intimate, something precious and treasured between the two of you!’ she replied. One thing Vanessa is missing however, is that just because you have relationships with other people doesn’t mean your own is less precious, or less intimate.
Because actually, just as all of our friendships and familial relationships are valuable to us in different ways, our romantic relationships can be too. In fact, placing all of your expectations and needs on one person not only puts a ton of pressure on the person you love, but also on yourself to be that one all-encompassing, need-filling person for them too.
More than that, if you allow your all of needs (be them emotional, sexual, intellectual and beyond) to be met by multiple people, you are more likely to lead a more fulfilled life. At least, that’s what Dr Martin’s research shows, as she says ‘in terms of relationship satisfaction and jealousy, swingers and people in consensual non-monogamous relationships report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and lower levels of jealousy.’
This is where the festive time period seems somewhat problematic. If you're considering non-monogamy, there's no reason it should just be limited to December. Why only be sexually satisfied one month of the year? More than that, her research goes beyond just having other sexual partners, but would also apply to having more than one relationship where all of your needs are met, i.e. finding someone that caters to the parts of you your initial partner simply can't because their own experiences of life don't completely align with yours- which seems ridiculous to expect anyway, doesn't it?
Dr Martin isn’t suggesting we all go out and immediately get with that hottie on our commute we always plan our imaginary second life with, but what she is suggesting is that we are at least open to communicating about a ‘creative third option’, with the first two being remain dissatisfied in your relationship or have a secretive affair and emotionally damage the person you decided to commit to.
If we’re open, honest and able to communicate effectively, non-monogamy isn’t all that radical. And if the stats show that monogamy isn’t right for all of us, perhaps we should be taking the 'festive hall-pass' a lot more seriously.