New survey from Girl Guides found that more than a quarter of girls 11-16 are contemplating cosmetic procedures, and even more have have been on diets.
I don’t know about you, but as a mother of a daughter, I had a visceral reaction to this statistic. We might be doing what we can within our homes to nurture our daughter’s self-esteem, but this statistic is terrifying truth that as a culture we are failing our girls. There’s a tide that still needs to turn further in the direction that nurtures mental health rather than idolises unreachable, perfectionist ideals; A culture where it’s not enough to swipe a filter on your photo, you need to live an entirely filtered life. But if we all felt entirely content in who we were, who gets paid then? Consider the products, the businesses, the jobs that wouldn’t exist if we weren’t all striving to silence the whispering undertone of ‘I’m not good enough’.
Sometimes, in the face of a statistic like this, we can freeze. There is much that is out of our control. The social media giants that rake in the cash from clicks, the algorithms geared to keep fingers lingering and minds questioning how to fix the parts of us that generations ago wouldn’t have been deemed broken. It’s not surprising we might choose to sit tight and hope that our daughter’s won’t find themselves in that 25%. We can turn a blind eye to the double-edged-sword of social media because it feels like a beast too big to fight. Or, we can look around us and within us, and see what we can do within the realms of our resources, because hand-on-heart it makes a difference.
Whether you’re actively campaigning for that tide to turn, or you’re quietly anxious about what you’re seeing around you and wondering what it means for your daughter, here are three things you can do:
Know that you’ll never be enough.
In my new book ‘The Uncomfortable Truth’, I address 10 of life’s uncomfortable truths so that we might find a liberating acceptance of life’s messy uncertainty. I talk about the truth that some people won’t like you. Not because there’s anything wrong with you per se, but because we’re not all each other’s cup of tea, and that should be okay, but it often isn’t. I talk about the truth that ultimately despite what the positive affirmations say, you aren’t enough.
You will never be ‘enough’ to meet the standards that our culture and social media press upon people, where the splintered shards and snapshots of what is good, devoid of the bigger picture, come together to form a mosaic of what we are lured to believe exists. You will never be enough for everyone. You will never be strong enough, clever enough, efficient enough for the ever-increasing demands that come your way. As you find a greater, deeper sense of your own flawed nature and limits, then you can begin to embrace your need for support, reduced expectations, and self-compassion.
You can’t have it all and be it all. And the more you strive for the unreachable, the more frazzled you’ll be, and the less available for those moments of connection our children need. When I’m stressed, self-critical and perfectionist driven, I’m not present. I’m not available for those lingering moments where my daughter says what she’s been feeling, or the lazy hugs on the sofa that say ‘I’m here’. If we want to have the conversations we want to have, we need to stop striving so hard to get things right, and opt to be right there. Not all of the time, but more of the time.
Check your dialogue.
One of the most common questions I get asked by parents is this: ‘how do I make sure my child doesn’t struggle with self-esteem or anxiety’. My answer is always ‘address yours’. Firstly, you are worthy of healthy self-esteem and cultivating a sense of emotional safety, but secondly the most powerful and welcome side effect of doing this, is that our children benefit.
We need to step up to fight for our children’s self-esteem. But ultimately, it starts with us. We want them to be okay, to recognise how beautifully imperfect they are, but do WE? We want them to approach their body with a warm acceptance, but do WE? We want them to find kindness for their weaknesses and pride for their strengths, but do WE?
They are watching. Let them see you rest loudly. Let them see you place your wellbeing in higher regard than other people’s wishes. Let them hear you backtrack on any out-loud, cruel self-chatter with something more neutral or compassionate. Let them hear you proclaim ‘oops these things happen’ when you make a mistake, and say ‘no’ when you mean ‘no’. Let them see you bed-haired, and bare faced sometimes. Let them hear you ask for help, or proclaim ‘I’ve no idea how to do this’. Let them see you make space and allowances for your limited, imperfect humanness so that they know to do the same for theirs.
Arm yourself
Our culture is undeniably a battleground. We want our children to thrive, yet there is so much working against that deep wish of ours. And as your child gains freedom and autonomy, it can feel like your side of the battle is floundering. Rest assured; you are far from fighting alone. Seek supportive, equipping resources. Molly Forbes’ book ‘Body Happy Kids is one for your bedside table, whereas her book ‘Every Body’ is one for your child’s. Or sign up to ‘Smartphone Free Childhood’ perhaps, and join the parents and carers teaming up to turn the tide. If your child has a phone, then maybe get acquainted with Meta’s parental supervision settings. Or add Dr Maryhan’s ‘How not to screw up your kids’ to your podcast playlist.
If you acknowledge the battleground, arm yourself. Find the voices that are drumming to the same beat, devour resources, join forces.
There is hope, so much hope. Because these sporadic jolts that scare us, prompt action. So, let your thoughts linger, let them linger over the health of your own self-esteem as much as they prompt thought about how to nurture your daughter’s. It’s a powerful position of responsibility that we find ourselves in. We are living in unchartered territory and together we are forming the map for the generations to come.
Anna Mathur is a psycotherapist and author. Anna is passionate about taking therapy out of the therapy room and is widely celebrated for her accessible mental health advice and the light-bulb moments she offers across her platforms – including her Instagram page to over 214k followers, incredibly popular podcast ‘The Therapy Edit’.
Anna’s new book will be available August 8th - The Uncomfortable Truth by Anna Mathur is publishing 8th August 2024 (Penguin Life, £16.99) and is available to pre-ordernow.