The day after my husband and I announced my pregnancy on social media, I was trolled. Horrifically trolled, multiple times. At best, they simply told me they hated me and our unborn child. And at worst, someone messaged me wishing that I miscarried the baby. For context, my husband has over 2 million followers across social media platforms, many of whom spent time watching his previous relationship. Sharing a new partner and a new child in swift succession was a shock and the internet’s response that day felt to me overwhelming, unkind and a downer on the joy we shared. So, the logical question would follow, why do we share our child online?
In truth, I found the first year or so of my relationship with my now husband difficult to navigate online. I felt extremely cautious of what I shared and how. I made myself ‘less’ for fear of saying or doing anything that would cause upset. A quick scroll back through my feed shows mostly selfies or pictures on holiday. I avoided talking on stories or showing too much personality (how I dressed, my haircuts, even my race regularly came under fire) and I think subconsciously I hoped the less I stood out, the less likely I would be trolled.
However, when I fell pregnant, I noticed a shift. I suffered from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (extreme pregnancy sickness) and I shared my struggles with my (and my husband’s) audience. The response was overwhelmingly supportive and kind. I also began to have messages from other women who were similarly struggling and enjoyed my honesty about pregnancy. I made a decision right then and there not to focus on the negative, and to continue to share my personal experiences on pregnancy and motherhood and that has continued into sharing my child.
Pregnancy and motherhood is an online minefield. For all of the fabulous accounts sharing real mum life, or helpful infographics, there’s plenty of women who choose just to show the best bits. There’s plenty of space on the internet for everyone and that’s their prerogative if that’s what they choose to share. Personally, I found I struggled seeing pictures of women with beautiful outfits on and blossoming bumps (although truth be told, I was also guilty of this) and later on, looking perfectly put together, celebrating their children’s daily milestones all on 12 hours sleep a night. That just wasn’t my reality.
Whilst I count my lucky stars my husband works from home, so I get a regular break and help, I also suffered from horrendous hormonal acne, loneliness, anxiety over my child’s development, and terrible postpartum hormones. I wanted to use my platform to show this even when it pushes me out of my comfort zone (I chose not to edit out a section on my husband’s YouTube channel when showing my hormonal acne) and I will continue to use my stories to show both the highs and the lows.
With anything online, I think it’s important to be cautious. Especially so when the ‘eyes on’ is such a large number. According to a quick google search, the average parent shares over 1,500 images of their child online before their 5th birthday, and a quick look at my Facebook feed would say that number feels about right. I love seeing pictures of what my friends and family with children are up to, and I love seeing the videos of my nieces and nephews shared in our family WhatsApp groups. My daughter is nearly 11-months-old and every day she’s learning something new and I greedily document it all, lapping it up with amazement at how brilliant I think she is.
Like all parents, I think my child is brilliant and I want everyone to see all her brilliant cheeky smiles, but our content goes further than just friends and family. Our profiles are public, so I try to limit how much of this is shared online. I’m conscious of the reach of every shared story and video of her so I try to think about it before it goes out into the wider world (or tell my husband off when he joyously tells everyone about our daughter’s dirty nappy that morning!)
I know that just writing this I’m opening myself up for scrutiny. Social media didn’t exist when I was a child, and we are all navigating this new normal and trying to find our own way. In all honesty, I don’t always feel confident that my way is the correct way, but I think that’s the theme of parenting. Our daughter is the most content little soul, but I still worry about every decision I make. Other days I’m glad my husband had the camera out and I can remember what it was like in those early days (please tell me I’m not the only one who puts their child to bed then misses them and looks at pictures of them?) My husband has always said he sees his life online as a form of diary. He cherry picks what he shares, but the backlog of unshared photos and films are all there for us to personally look back on and enjoy.
My husband and I discussed during my pregnancy our boundaries with sharing our child online and we have our limits. My husband uses the phrase ‘she is not the content’, by which we mean if our daughter naturally fits into what we are up to and talking about then brilliant, but we aren’t going to make her perform.
Plenty of parents have accounts dedicated to their children doing specific dances, acting, miming, and that works for them but that’s not for us. The minute she doesn’t enjoy it, we stop. The minute the trolling starts up, we stop. Perhaps wishful thinking but I’d like to hope that internet hate, trolling and gossip forums eventually die out as the younger generation find better ways to use the internet and better ways to channel their frustrations with how others are online and, with any luck, new legislation will make people accountable for their words.
However, I have found great joy in sharing my motherhood journey online and sometimes the greatest joys come from when we are most vulnerable. When my daughter was about 3-months-old, feeling lonely, I shared a post online, suggesting I use the reach of my platform for mothers to find each other. Multiple mums commented with their names, locations and offers for coffee and friendship – one of the women who saw my post messaged me directly. “Hi I think I live near you, I recently had a baby and I’m always up for a walk because mum stuff can get lonely”. So, I end by saying this: Liv, I’m so glad you responded to my message online, motherhood has felt a lot less lonely since knowing you.