Why Gratitude Should Come With Small Print

This year more than ever, many of us have coped by saying 'I shouldn't moan, I'm lucky....' But, says Anna Mathur, beating emotions into submission with gratitude isn't always the best way forward.

Gratitude Anna Mathur

by Anna Mathur |
Updated on

‘Gratitude, positive mental attitude, good vibes only’; Many of us lean on these sentiments in the moments we’re hit by life’s curveballs or feel dragged down by the mundane. They help us push through difficult parenting days, work juggles and life struggles. For if we pull up our positive pants and focus on what is good whilst counting our blessings then perhaps we can ride the wave of positivity until the next challenge crashes in.

We do it because it works. Like the glass of wine to take the edge off dinnertime carnage, the third coffee poured by tired bones and the handful of Haribo to suppress growls of hunger, gratitude serves a purpose. It buoys us up and keeps us keeping on.

Just as the hangover, sugar crash and burnout come with consistently grabbing ways to silence or delay valid needs, gratitude should come with a little warning caveat.

Before I share the gratitude small print, let me tell you this; I can whole heartedly say that practicing gratitude has changed my life. It turns on a light in dark days, it draws my attention to the privilege of the beautiful, boring mundane. Gratitude has improved my relationships, my anxiety levels and my mood. I am not remotely anti-gratitude, but like with any tool, it can be slightly misused.

Think of the times you’ve felt low, sad, frustrated or overwhelmed this last year. The times you’ve told yourself ‘But I am so lucky, but we have our health, but my friend has it so much harder so I must focus on what is good’. And it works, it really does.

But the thing is, as you choose to turn away from what is bad and sad and going wrong, to what is good, happy and going right, you turn your back on emotions that are deserving of being heard, seen and felt. Sure, the sadness and overwhelm may not be enjoyable, but they are valid and may serve as flags to alert us of a need.

I have often said of parenting, ‘This is so hard, but I love them’, as if I need to reassure everyone of my love. Now I turn this into ‘This is so hard and I love them’.

When we look towards the sun, the shadows don’t disappear, when we shut the door on the mess, it doesn’t go away. Gratitude is a powerful and lifechanging tool, unless you use it to beat yourself around the backside in the moments you feel anything other than grateful. I sometimes fear that we (myself included) are becoming so accustomed to viewing life through a filtered lens, that we filter the feelings that arise in our own hearts. We so often berate ourselves for having what is quite simply, a human response to what is going on in and around our lives.

Do you ever notice yourself using other people’s circumstances as leverage to push yourself into an attitude of gratitude? We count our blessings and thank our lucky stars that we are not going through the same stress or heartache. Feelings are valid regardless of whether someone else’s journey is either sadder or easier and breezier. Someone else’s broken leg will not make your stubbed toe hurt any less! Your pain is your pain, your overwhelm is your overwhelm, the more we beat these emotions into submission with gratitude, the more they will get stuck, prompting feelings of guilt, shame and self-criticism.

Sure, we don’t need to swim around in our feelings in a ‘woe is me’ way, for that is not helpful either. In acknowledging and valuing feelings, rather than positive-mental-attituding them into a dark corner, we let the emotion move through us.

Next time you use gratitude, instead of saying:

‘I’m so overwhelmed but I know I’m lucky’, replace the ‘but’ with ‘and’.

This turns it into ‘I’m so overwhelmed and I know I’m lucky’.

You can acknowledge and respect your feelings of overwhelm whilst also recognising your privilege and gratitude. Neither one needs to discount the other. I have often said of parenting, ‘This is so hard, but I love them’, as if I need to reassure everyone of my love lest they question it. Now I try and turn this into ‘This is so hard and I love them’.

Gratitude paired with compassion cultivates self-respect and peace. Gratitude paired with judgement welcomes guilt and self-criticism. In feeling all the feels, you are not failing, you are human. Practicing gratitude without self-judgement invites sanity saving perspective, saving us from staying stuck. But do it with compassion, for if there is one thing we all need more of, it is that.

Know Your Worth: How to build your self-esteem, grow in confidence and worry less about what people think by Anna Mathur is published on 13th May

READ MORE: The Danger Of 'You've Got This' When It Comes To Parenting

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