‘Stop Asking If I’m Having A Second Baby’

'I know that I had always imagined having two children. But honestly, that was before I’d had one,' says Rebecca Oxtoby.

Second baby

by Rhiannon Evans |
Updated on

Stop asking women when they’re having their babies - whether it is their first or second, or whether they are chasing a boy or trying for a girl. Please, just stop.

Because secondary infertility.

Because financial worries.

Because relationship strain.

Because post-birth trauma.

Because post-natal depression.

Because the fear of another imperfect maternity leave is real.

Because pregnancy sucked.

Because we’re enjoying this one.

Because you don’t NEED another child, even if Aunty so-and-so says it’s unfair to just have the one.

Yes, the transition to toddlerdom was tinged with sadness, as the teeny newborn slipped away from my grasp and was replaced with an increasingly independent toddler.

I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge the shed tear as I packed up her discarded sensory toys, over-snug babygrows and cellular blankets, to be replaced with Lego, big girl pyjamas and the cutest little duvet I’d ever seen.

So, for a moment, I grieved being Mum to a baby; my burnt-out mind reminiscing fictional coffee mornings with friends and the ease of a breastfeed over the need to provide actual food three times a day.

When my closest mum friends announced their second pregnancies, I found myself questioning whether I wanted another; the suitability of the age gap, the cost of two children in nursery, whether we could fit a double buggy in the boot.

I know that I had always imagined having two children. But honestly, that was before I’d had one. It’s hard, ok? The struggle to juggle life and money and time and remembering who the fuck you are only just started falling into place for me when Isabelle was around 18 months old. But, alongside the conundrums of practicality and finances, I feared that another baby would ruin my marriage.

Everyone knows that falling madly in love with someone else would push your relationship to the brink, but nobody told me that the ‘someone else’ could be your own child. I changed immeasurably when I became a mother; not only my physical appearance – mum-bun and mum-tum - but my mind. I couldn’t switch off. I felt, and still feel, as though I’m in hyper-aware mode; constantly cleaning, planning and making sure she doesn’t kill herself. It’s beyond exhausting, but I just don’t know how to switch it off. So, I guess that when she’s asleep, and I finally have some time for myself again, I just want to power down: no talking, no touching and certainly no rumpy-pumpy.

Without the rumpy-pumpy it’s pretty difficult to conceive a child, even if I was ready for one, but, more truthfully, I wasn’t sure Danny or I would make it out alive if we had another just yet. It had taken us a year and a half to finally feel like we weren’t drowning, so I’m really not too sure whether I want to throw the apple cart off the side of a cliff once again (as the saying goes).

So, here’s a bit of advice from the woman who hates people who give advice, stop telling me that ‘Isabelle needs a little brother or sister’, unless you’re planning on breeding and rearing them yourself. I’m not ready.

Rebecca Oxtoby is the author of the number one best-selling parenting series, Mum’s the Word - available now on Amazon. Mum's the Word: The sh*t nobody tells you about parenthood until it's too late

Gallery

Best Parenting Books

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, By Carla Naumburg PhD1 of 30

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids, By Carla Naumburg PhD

Pragmatic about helping you work through your sh*t to be a more present and positive parent. Increasingly relevant to today's parents, who are more overloaded, overwhelmed, and overworked than ever before, Carla Naumburg has the antidote to the feelings of complete despair and rage. With some humour too…

There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', By Kate Silverton2 of 30

There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', By Kate Silverton

This Sunday Times Bestseller details the secret to tackling tantrums, tears and laying the foundations for your child's mental health. In There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty', mum to two young children, journalist and children's mental health advocate Kate Silverton shares her groundbreaking new approach to parenting under-fives that helps to make family life a breeze!

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes, By Melinda Wenner Moyer3 of 30

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes, By Melinda Wenner Moyer

As Melinda's children grew, she found that one huge area was ignored in the realm of parenting advice: how do we make sure our kids don't grow up to be assholes? How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes is a researched, evidence-based guide that provides a fresh, often surprising perspective on parenting issues, from toddlerhood through the teenage years.

Why Did No One Tell Me?: How to Protect Heal and Nurture Your Body Through Motherhood4 of 30

Why Did No One Tell Me?: How to Protect Heal and Nurture Your Body Through Motherhood

For too long, women have been told that debilitating conditions following pregnancy are normal and something they have to just put up with. Emma Brockwell is on a mission to change this. In this guide, Emma combines her expertise as a specialist women's health physiotherapist with personal experience to create a warm and informative handbook to help pregnant women and new mums take control and care for their changing bodies. Find out how to:

The Gentle Discipline Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith5 of 30

The Gentle Discipline Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

In The Gentle Discipline Book, Sarah Ockwell-Smith debunks many commonly held beliefs about punishment and motivation and provides an alternative approach that will empower you to discipline your child in an effective way and with respect. Gentle discipline is not about mollycoddling your child or being a pushover - it means understanding your child, having realistic expectations of them, and responding to their misbehaviour appropriately. It focuses on teaching and learning, not punishment or rewarding.

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame6 of 30

No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

No Bad Kids is a collection of Janet's most popular and widely read articles pertaining to common toddler behaviours and how respectful parenting practices can be applied to benefit both parents and children. It covers such common topics as punishment, cooperation, boundaries, testing, tantrums, hitting, and more.

When The World Feels Like A Scary Place, By Abigail Gewirtz7 of 30

When The World Feels Like A Scary Place, By Abigail Gewirtz

This book by prominent child psychologist Dr Abi Gewirtz, brings solutions to a problem that is only going to get worse - how bad things happening in the world affect our children, and how we can raise engaged and confident kids in spite of them. Through conversation scripts, talking points, prompts and insightful asides, When the World Feels Like a Scary Place is an indispensable guide to talking to our kids about the big things that worry them - making us calmer parents with more resilient children.

Queen Bees and Wannabes8 of 30

Queen Bees and Wannabes

A revised and updated version of Rosalind Wiseman's groundbreaking book for a new generation of girls. Packed with insights about technology's impact on Girl World and enlivened with the experiences of girls, boys, and parents, the book that inspired the hit movie Mean Girls (YES REALLY) offers concrete strategies to help you empower your daughter to be socially competent and treat herself with dignity.

How Toddlers Thrive, By Tovah P. Klein9 of 30

How Toddlers Thrive, By Tovah P. Klein

Leading toddler expert Dr Tovah P. Klein reveals why age two to five is the most crucial time for a child's brain development and how parents can harness this period to have a lifelong positive effect on their children's lives. With chapters on everyday routines, tantrums, managing change and avoiding toddler shaming, this smart and useful guide promises to inspire you to be a better parent. Sarah Jessica Parker says: 'Tovah taught me how to resist the temptation to fix everything, and instead give my children the opportunity to learn how to problem-solve for themselves.'

The Montessori Toddler10 of 30

The Montessori Toddler

This book promises to not only help you become a more effective parent but actually change how you see your children. Written by Montessori educator Simone Davies, this book shows you how to bring the educational values of a Montessori classroom into your home-while

Parenting The Sh*t Out Of Life11 of 30

Parenting The Sh*t Out Of Life

From Grazia columnist Anna Whitehouse aka Mother Pukka and Matt Farquharson aka Papa Pukka, comes the Sunday Times bestselling account of parenting told from both perspectives, and a handy guide (kind of) on how to raise a small human. The must-read for all parents and parents-to-be - and possibly the best (or worst) baby shower gift you could ever give a prospective mum or dad...

What Mummy Makes12 of 30

What Mummy Makes

Promising 130 recipes that will suit six-month-olds AND the rest of the family, this book could save you a lot of hassle when it comes to dinnertime…

Sex, Likes And Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, By Deana Puccio And Allison Havey13 of 30

Sex, Likes And Social Media: Talking To Our Teens In The Digital Age, By Deana Puccio And Allison Havey

Based on their professional work with young people, parents and teachers – and their experiences with their own children – Deana Puccio and Allison Havey give you the tools to talk to children who are digital natives with experiences wildly different from their parents'.

I Am Not Your Baby Mother14 of 30

I Am Not Your Baby Mother

A thought-provoking, urgent and inspirational guide to life as a Black mother. It explores the various stages between pregnancy and waving your child off at the gates of primary school while facing hurdles such as white privilege, racial micro-aggression and unconscious bias at every point. Candice does so with her trademark sense of humour and refreshing straight-talking, and the result is a call-to-arms that will allow mums like her to take control, scrapping the parenting rulebook to mother their own way.

The Calm And Happy Toddler, By Dr Rebecca Chicot15 of 30

The Calm And Happy Toddler, By Dr Rebecca Chicot

You think a newborn is the hard bit… and then you meet your little toddler. This book promises to help you, gently, through tantrums, night-waking, potty-training and all the fun stuff that goes with having a toddler. Dr Rebecca Chicot has a PhD in Parenting and Child Development from Cambridge University.

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen16 of 30

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen

Tried and tested communication strategies to survive - and thrive - with kids ages 2-7. Users have rated this book for having a helpful toolbox of tricks that are easy to understand and carry out.

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-Free Parenting, By Dr Laura Markham17 of 30

Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets Of Stress-Free Parenting, By Dr Laura Markham

Most parenting books focus on changing a child's behaviour, but this book says the truth is that children only change when their relationship with their parents changes. In Calm Parents, Happy Kids, Dr Laura Markham introduces an approach to parenting that eliminates threats, power struggles and manipulation, in favour of setting limits with empathy and communication. Bringing together the latest research in brain development with a focus on emotional awareness (for both parents and children), it will appeal to all parents who don't want to force their children into compliance and lose their temper, but want to keep calm and help their children want to behave.

15-Minute Parenting 0-7 Years: Quick And Easy Ways To Connect With Your Child, By Joanna Fortune18 of 30

15-Minute Parenting 0-7 Years: Quick And Easy Ways To Connect With Your Child, By Joanna Fortune

This also comes in a version for 8-12-year-olds and posits that just 15 minutes of mindful playtime each day in your and your child's routine could change behaviour. Created with busy parents in mind, psychotherapist and parenting expert Joanna Fortune has devised a simple but effective method to build quality playful time together at home, structured around 15-minute games that can be easily incorporated into your existing daily routine.

The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play19 of 30

The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play

With a foreword written by Fearne Cotton and written by Russell Brand's wife and mother to his two children, this book has star ratings. But it's also hugely useful and full of games and tips to keep children preoccupied in ways that don't involve screens, which everyone knows is very much half the battle of parenthood...

French Children Don't Throw Food20 of 30

French Children Don't Throw Food

Part travel book and autobiography, this book shares journalist Pamela's parenting tips she learned from living in France. And, for added glam, it's set to be made into a film, starring Anne Hathaway...

The Whole-Brain Child21 of 30

The Whole-Brain Child

Designed to help children of different ages, this pioneering, practical book for parents, neuroscientist Daniel J. Siegel and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson explain the new science of how a child's brain is wired and how it matures. Different parts of a child's brain develop at different speeds and understanding these differences can help you turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child's brain and raise calmer, happier children.

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), By Philippa Perry22 of 30

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), By Philippa Perry

Philippa Perry has been a psychotherapist for the past twenty years. She lives in London with her husband the artist Grayson Perry, and they have a grown-up daughter, Flo. Billed as a book for parents and children (and those who aren't yet parents), this book comprehensively covers lots of different stages of life and has a host of celebrity fans from Nigella Lawson to Fearne Cotton.

Your Baby Week By Week23 of 30

Your Baby Week By Week

The book to shove in your pregnant friend's hands and tell them to only read week by week. A helpful manual of things your baby might and could be doing, week by week. As with all books, best taken with a dose of salt too – use the helpful bits, ignore the unhelpful/ones you can't quite face (i.e. the sleep bits…)

Nobody Told Me24 of 30

Nobody Told Me

If it's weaning or sleep-training schedules you're looking for, this might not help exactly, but this book of poetry will make you smile. And probably nod your head a lot. And sometimes cry, and sometimes feel understood. Which goes much further than you'd think.

The Second Baby Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith25 of 30

The Second Baby Book, By Sarah Ockwell-Smith

This guide examines the specific issues that can arise with a second pregnancy and birth. From the common concerns about siblings, such as how to prepare your firstborn for what's to come, to how to cope with the practicalities of life with two young children. And the feelings parents are likely to experience, too - because it's easy to forget about this part.

Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds26 of 30

Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds

Raising a teenager can leave you feeling like a parenting beginner all over again. Children in the 'between' stage change daily, leaving parents struggling to understand the child they once thought they knew. In Between by parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith uses biology, psychology and sociology of adolescence to give readers practical parenting advice that you can use to help your child through the tricky transition from childhood to adulthood.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk27 of 30

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

Parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide effective step-by-step techniques to help you improve and enrich your relationships with your children. Read this guide to learn how to break a pattern of arguments, cope with your child's negative feelings, engage your child's co-operation, set clear limits, express your anger without being hurtful and resolve family conflicts peacefully.

The Danish Way Of Parenting: What The Happiest People In The World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids, By Jesica Joel Alexander And Iben Dissing Sandahl28 of 30

The Danish Way Of Parenting

What makes Denmark the happiest country in the world, and how do Danish parents raise happy, confident, successful kids, year after year? This upbeat and practical guide reveals the six essential principles that have been working for parents in Denmark for decades:

Baby Knows Best29 of 30

Baby Knows Best

Baby Knows Best is a comprehensive guide that shows parents how to respond to their babies' cues and signals; how to develop healthy sleep habits, why babies need uninterrupted playtime and how to set clear consistent limits. After reading as parents you will be more relaxed and also have more confident, self-reliant children.

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys30 of 30

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys

Calmer Easier Happier Boys sees parenting expert Noel Janis-Norton explains simple strategies for the unique challenges of raising motivated, cooperative and confident boys. Using the stellar techniques Noel has developed over many years of working with families, parents can get back in charge. Living with boys can become calmer, easier and happier.

Just so you know, we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website - read why you should trust us