As a psychotherapist to women, I am faced daily with the mental impact of the juggle, both clinically and personally. There is the never-ending ticker tape that streams through my already busy mind, with the threat of guilt and self-criticism should I place a foot wrong.
I’ve witnessed (and experienced) the overwhelm, the burnout, the increased anxiety and the deepening lows that come with trying to do it all. So many of us live to the inescapable beat of a cultural drum that claims ‘efficiency is king’, and the more we do, the better we are as individuals.
Being a working mum of three in a busy household, I believed I could spin more plates than my husband purely because I was a master of multitasking thanks to my gender. If you ask around which gender is better at multitasking, the resounding response is always ‘women’. However, despite 80 per cent of respondents to a 2019 study concluding the same, Hirsch, Koch and Karbach studied gender differences and found that females had no genetical or biological edge over males when it came to multitasking.
One lockdown day, my husband and I took it in turns to escape the chaos and do a quick HIIT workout upstairs in the bedroom. Once he’d jumped around to The Body Coach, it was my turn. I walked into the bedroom and surveyed the unfolded washing and unmade bed. Resentment washed over me, knowing I’d have tidied and folded during the 20 second rest periods. ‘What on earth did you do in the breaks?’ I shouted down. ‘Umm, rest?’ he shouted back, incredulous.
And thus highlighted one of the vast differences between us. I rarely pass up the opportunity to do several things at once in the name of efficiency, and in doing so, deny myself the opportunities of rest that would likely make me more efficient (and happier) in the long run. Yet I feel the need to earn rest, whereas he takes rest. And if you asked me who was more likely to burn out, overwhelmed, resentful, irritable, and sobbing on the floor on a Sunday afternoon, well, that would be me.
So if multitasking isn’t the answer, but rather that cause of our deteriorating mental health, what should we do to support ourselves when there is still so much on our to-do-list?
Here are five things that will help...
Embrace single mindedness
In the name of efficiency, I once brushed my teeth while emptying the dishwasher and pouring cereal into bowls. I got toothpaste down my shirt, adding to the washing pile, and probably only brushed four teeth properly. While doing many things at once feels productive, it’s often counterproductive, and a stressor on body and mind. Instead, focus on one task at a time before moving to the next. Our brains work so much better this way.
Check your motivation
Often the reason we multitask is because ‘doing’ provides us with a sense of worth. However, when how we feel about ourselves is determined by how much we do, it’s shaky ground for our confidence to stand upon. While our resources are limited, the list of things to be done is unlimited. You are not the sum of what you do. Rest and enjoyment aren’t something to be earned, but to be welcomed as recovery from life’s challenges, a pause to enjoy the good in our lives, and training for the inevitable curveballs ahead.
Delegate clearly
Handing over the reins and relinquishing responsibility for something can be challenging for those perfectionists amongst us. Sure, something might be done at a different speed, to a different standard, or in a different way, but the important thing is you’re not the one doing it. Consider delegating the task from start to finish, rather than just an element of it. This lessens the likelihood you’ll end up taking the task back in frustration, or expending energy in micro managing it. It can be beneficial to sit down with your partner or colleague and map out all the roles you assume each other play, and the expectations you have of one another.
Accept your varying resources
You are not an endless ball of physical energy and emotional headspace. The resources we have available to us day by day, hour by hour, change dependent on things both in and out of our control. We are complex, ever-changing humans and therefore to expect ourselves to be producing constant output is a tall order and an unkind pressure. Cut corners, put in boundaries and adjust expectations dependent on what physical and emotional energy you have available to you. Relentlessly aiming at perfection doesn’t make you a better person, it makes you a tired one.
This is a huge and worthy topic to touch upon, and I’ve merely scraped the surface. But the most important takeaway is that the tool of multitasking we are leaning upon in order to improve our quality of life and mental health, is often the very thing robbing us.
Check in with yourself often. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, which of these tips resonate most for you? Consider what you might need and find a small way to value and meet that need. Remind yourself to slow down and take what opportunities arise to catch a break. The world won’t slow down for you. The lists and needs of life are endless, but you are not.
Bestselling author and psychotherapist Anna Mathur, is the founder of The MotherMind Way - a new online platform full of life-changing advice, nurturing resources and community all supporting the emotional wellbeing of mums. You can also find more mental health advice and musing from Anna on her Instagram page @annamathur